Flatulence (the natural gas) - Page 4

presspirate · 02-25-11, 05:22 AM

I debated on sharing this and decided the humor was just too good not to. About a week ago I had a colonoscopy and an upper gi endoscopy. I won't go in to too much detail, if you don't know what that entails......google it.

Anyways...... for various reasons, I was given an awesome cocktail of drugs. (Non recreational ) So I didn't feel a thing. (Thank goodness.

) When you get a colonoscopy, they use use a lot of air to be able to maneuver the camera. (You know where this is going.) Long story short. I had both procedures done, and when they were finished, I was wheeled into the recovery room with about 6 other people that had had at least one of the two procedures done.

I awoke with severe gas pains, in a room with 6 people farting. I was number 7 even in the drugged up state I was in I recognized the humor of THAT situation. I think I was farting for about 6 or 7 hours afterwords.

Lankyrob · 02-25-11, 05:30 AM

Lol, i feel your pain! Been there myself - did they use peppermint juice/tea? I was on the ward for about three weeks after mine (they found an abcess behind my belly button the size of a galia melon) and every night they gave us peppermint to held move the wind through as the build up of gasses can rip open internal and external stitching. Anyone with windy problems needs to incorporate peppermint into their diet and your troubles will "blow away"

presspirate · 02-25-11, 02:25 PM

No peppermint tea. When I got back to my room, the nurse came in to check my vitals and ask how I was feeling, I told her I felt fine, but the gas pains were something else. She says, "Just fart." Which was what I had been doing until she came in, and at the time I was lying on my side with my back to her.

I have to have another one done in a month or so, I will buy some peppermint tea before then. Thanks for the tip Rob!

Lankyrob · 02-25-11, 03:05 PM

No problem, hope it helps.

infernalis · 02-25-11, 03:45 PM

I just get the wife to pull my finger, works a charm

presspirate · 02-26-11, 03:12 AM

She probably falls for it every time. While rolling her eyes and plugging her nose.

mld · 02-26-11, 07:14 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by infernalis

I just get the wife to pull my finger, works a charm

just don't do the pull the sheets over the head thing, I hate that!

Sapphyr · 02-26-11, 12:53 PM

Haha! xD You people are just too funny~

All this fart talk makes me think of the time when I was in Claire's with my mother(I was like.. 12 or so), and I remember my stepfather walked through the front door, ripped a HUGE one(everyone in the store probably heard it), and walked back out the door.

There was also the time when he was in an elevator with an elderly woman and he coughed and accidentally farted loudly. His fart was louder than his cough. And the lady just looked at him and waltzed out of the elevator when the door opened.

I've personally had issues with sneeze-farts. When ya sneeze so hard you accidentally fart? I hate it when that happens.

mld · 02-26-11, 03:01 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Sapphyr

I've personally had issues with sneeze-farts. When ya sneeze so hard you accidentally fart? I hate it when that happens.

Those sneaky little ones that you can't see coming!

I hate it when my dog farts, those are wicked!

Sapphyr · 02-26-11, 04:07 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by mld

Those sneaky little ones that you can't see coming!

I hate it when my dog farts, those are wicked!

Ha! Yeah, my puppy had some pretty bad gas the other day. Man did it reek. :c ... Actually, I'd believe any dog's fart reeks.

kernel · 12-09-11, 09:05 PM

When you said you opened this Wayne, I just had to post this email that been floating around for a while. I don't know how many of the members have seen it, but here it is.

Quote:

Colonoscopy....hysterical!!

If you've had one you'll understand and if you haven't, your time is coming.

This is from newshound Dave Barry's colonoscopy journal:

I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make an appointment for a colonoscopy. A few days later, in his office, Andy showed me a color diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place, at one point passing briefly through Minneapolis .

Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough,20reassuring and patient manner. I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn't really hear anything he said, because my brain was shrieking, quote, 'HE'S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR BEHIND!'

I left Andy's office with some written instructions, and a prescription for a product called 'MoviPrep,' which comes in a box large enough to hold a microwave oven. I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now suffice it to say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands of America 's enemies .

I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous. Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation. In accordance with my instructions, I didn't eat any solid food that day; all I had was chicken broth, which is basically water, only with less flavor. Then, in the evening, I took the moviPrep.

You mix two packets of powder together in a one-liter plastic jug, then you fill it with lukewarm water. (For those unfamiliar with the metric system, a liter is about 32 gallons.) Then you have to drink the whole jug. This takes about an hour, because MoviPrep tastes - and here I am being kind - like a mixture of goat spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon.

The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a great sense of humor, state that after you drink it, 'a loose, watery bowel movement may result.' This is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof, you may experience contact with the ground.

MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be too graphic, here, but: Have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch? This is pretty much the MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle. There are times when you wish the commode had a seat belt. You spend several hours pretty much confined to the bathroom, spurting violently. You eliminate everything. And then, when you figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink another liter of MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the future and start eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet.

After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep. The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very nervous. Not only was I worried about the procedure, but I had been experiencing occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurtage. I was thinking, 'What if I spurt on Andy?' How do you apologize to a friend for something like that? Flowers would not be enough.

At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood and totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms said. Then they led me to a room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little curtained space and took off my clothes and put on one of those hospital garments designed by sadist perverts, the kind that, when you put it on, makes you feel even more naked than when you are actually naked

Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left hand. Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I was already lying down. Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in their MoviPrep. At first I was ticked off that I hadn't thought of this, but then I pondered what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to make it to the bathroom, so you were staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode You would have no choice but to burn your house.

When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room, where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an anesthesiologist. I did not see the 17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around there somewhere. I was seriously nervous at this point. Andy had me roll over on my left side, and the anesthesiologist began hooking something up to the needle in my hand. There was music playing in the room, and I realized that the song was 'Dancing Queen' by ABBA. I remarked to Andy that, of all the songs that could be playing during this particular procedure,20'Dancing Queen' had to be the least appropriate.

'You want me to turn it up?' said Andy, from somewhere behind me. 'Ha ha,' I said. And then it was time, the moment I had been dreading for more than a decade. If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I am going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was like.

I have no idea. Really. I slept through it. One moment, ABBA was yelling 'Dancing Queen, feel the beat of the tambourine,' and the next moment, I was back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood. Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I felt. I felt excellent. I felt even more excellent when Andy told me that It was all over, and that my colon had passed with flying colors. I have never been prouder of an internal organ.

ABOUT THE WRITER: Dave Barry is a Pulitzer Prize-winning humor columnist for the Miami Herald. On the subject of Colonoscopies... Colonoscopies are no joke, but these comments during the exam were quite humorous..... A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies:

1. 'Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before .

2. 'Find Amelia Earhart yet?'

3. 'Can you hear me NOW?'

4. 'Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?'

5. 'You know, in Arkansas , we're now legally married.'

6. 'Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?'

7. 'You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out...'

8. 'Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!'

9. 'If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!

10. 'Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.'

11. 'You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?'

12. 'God, now I know why I am not gay.'

And the best one of all.

13. 'Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?'

**millertime89** · 12-10-11, 12:24 AM

rofl, I've read that before, but I always laugh at it.

KORBIN5895 · 12-10-11, 11:50 PM

First things first. The most important thing I learned in college is that you can fart into your hand and then put in your roommates face..... try it sometime.

We were playing hockey last season and the most amazing thing happened! A guy farted and literally made another guy on the bench puke! Needless to say I was thoroughly impressed.

EasternGirl · 12-11-11, 02:43 AM

My yellow lab, may she rest in peace (she died last year), used to fart all the time. She had these wicked, wicked farts that we called "swamp farts"...that would be "silent but violent"...and would completely clear the room. Someone in my family would say "Swamp fart!" and we would all get up and run out of the room...and my poor dog would be sitting there with this look on her face like "What?"...

ZARADOZIA · 12-11-11, 04:40 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by presspirate

I debated on sharing this and decided the humor was just too good not to. About a week ago I had a colonoscopy and an upper gi endoscopy. I won't go in to too much detail, if you don't know what that entails......google it.

Anyways...... for various reasons, I was given an awesome cocktail of drugs. (Non recreational ) So I didn't feel a thing. (Thank goodness.

) When you get a colonoscopy, they use use a lot of air to be able to maneuver the camera. (You know where this is going.) Long story short. I had both procedures done, and when they were finished, I was wheeled into the recovery room with about 6 other people that had had at least one of the two procedures done.

I awoke with severe gas pains, in a room with 6 people farting. I was number 7 even in the drugged up state I was in I recognized the humor of THAT situation. I think I was farting for about 6 or 7 hours afterwords.

Been there done that...you are NOT alone. My issue..I woke mid-way through the colonoscopy procedure. I was facing the monitor and said, "Oh cool, is that me?" followed by, "OMG THAT HURTS" and then I was out again. I warned them thst cocktails don't last long on me...not the first time I have became lucid during a procedure, scary business!!

On the upside, it was great to have a fail-safe excuse to have the walking farts. It's one of my husband's pet peaves and it tickled me to no end to fart around him for the first time.