Need a smile? the ZARADOZIA awesome joke thread

[ZARADOZIA]

Originally Posted by jarich

I dont want to start any type of religion discussion, but this one was just too funny!

I LOVE this one!!! Nice analogy! Certainly hits the nail on the head and gets the point across

[KORBIN5895]

On the head ( snicker)

[ZARADOZIA]

Originally Posted by KORBIN5895

On the head ( snicker)

lol Actually 2 puns in that statement...Kudos for catching one of them.

[alessia55]

Hmmm... Zara has been on in a while... I hope she's OK! Probably just spending time with her real world family

Here a few funnies I found:

[KORBIN5895]

Unfortunately I don't get the first one completely. Baseball bat I got.

[alessia55]

Originally Posted by KORBIN5895

Unfortunately I don't get the first one completely. Baseball bat I got.

It's a play on this terrible song that came out forever ago:



The lyrics that matter are:
"It's peanut butter jelly time (thyme)!
It's peanut butter jelly time (thyme)!
Peanut butter jelly
Peanut butter jelly
Peanut butter and a baseball bat"

[Devorah]

One of my favest headlines ever was "British Left Waffles On Falkland Islands".

[Devorah]

There was a great contest at the washington Post one year, for people to come up with new words making aplay on other worlds. Some of the best were:

Caterpallor: the colour you turn when discovering half a worm in your apple

Beelzebug: Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your room at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

Arachnoleptic fit: what follows upon having walked face first into a spider's web.(this happens to me a LOT so I've gotten used to it. Sort of. )

Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly

Intaxication: The euphoria you feel upon receiving your tax return until you realize it was your money to begin with.

[ZARADOZIA]

Communication on the job is important!

There is a factory in America which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arm. A new employee is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 0800.

The next day at 0845 there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door. The Foreman from the assembly line throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee. He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule. The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself so the 2 men march down to the factory floor.

When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up. At the end of the line stands the new employee surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's.

She has a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles. The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles, and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs. The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches the woman. "I'm sorry," he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, "but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday... Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles."

[infernalis]

That was cute... Did I actually just say cute??

[ZARADOZIA]

*!* WARNING: THIS IS COMPLETELY POLITICALLY INCORRECT, IF YOU GET OFFENDED EASILY- DO NOT READ *!*

My MIL sent this too me and I had to share. For me it is EXTREMELY funny coming from her because she is always "PROPER" - she doesn't cuss and can recite the entire bible upon request. This is her email to me in its entirety:

Irony:

Originally Posted by MIL

Warning: some are a bit shocking to come from innocent little me.../
Don't judge me, please.
Love, LaDell


Dear Noah, We could have sworn you said the ark wasn't leaving till 5. Sincerely, Unicorns

Dear Icebergs, Sorry to hear about the global warming. Karma's a bitch. Sincerely, The Titanic

Dear America, You produced Miley Cyrus. Bieber is your punishment. Sincerely, Canada

Dear Yahoo, I've never heard anyone say, "I don't know, let's Yahoo! it..." Just saying.... Sincerely, Google

Dear 2010, So I hear the best rapper is white and the president is black? What happened?! Sincerely, 1985

Dear girls who have been dumped, There are plenty of fish in the sea.... Just kidding! They're all dead. Sincerely, BP

Dear Skin-Colored Band Aids, Please make one for every skin color. Sincerely, Black people

Dear Scissors, I feel your pain.... no one wants to run with me either. Sincerely, Sarah Palin

Dear Customers, Yes, we ARE making fun of you in Vietnamese. Sincerely, Asian Nail Salon Ladies

Dear Ugly People, You're welcome. Sincerely, Alcohol

Dear World, Please stop freaking out about 2012. Our calendars end there because some Spanish d-bags invaded our country and we got a little busy ok? Sincerely, The Mayans

Dear White People, Don't you just hate immigrants? Sincerely, Native Americans

Dear iPhone, Please stop "spell checking" all of my rude words into nice words. You piece of shut. Sincerely, Every iPhone User

Dear Trash, At least you get picked up.... Sincerely, The Girls of Jersey Shore

[infernalis]

Being of (partially) native American blood, The "Dear White People, Don't you just hate immigrants? Sincerely, Native Americans" certainly did bring a half smile to my face.

We gripe about what the Nazi faction did, we call the Klan and skinheads names, but everyone seems to forget that this entire continent was once inhabited by tribes of people who were at one with nature, never took more than they needed, were proud, loyal, celebrated life, and swarms of Europeans just pulled up in ships, dropped the queens flag and plundered the once rich lands for their selfish greed.

and people wonder why I hate thanksgiving....

Sorry for my rant people, I'm not real cheery this morning. ( I probably should stay off the boards at the moment)

[ZARADOZIA]

Originally Posted by infernalis

and people wonder why I hate thanksgiving....

For my household, Thanksgiving has Nothing to do with History- It all about what we have accomplished together, and being thankful for being together, having a place to rest our heads, food on the table.

We celebrate Christmas also, but we are not Christians. For us, it's not about the meaning of where it comes from, but the meaning we decide to give it.

Basically we are disgusting optimists and will make the best of what we have.

[infernalis]

For the most part I am too, Then life blindsides ,,, Oh sweetie I'm jacking your thread.

Sorry.

[ZARADOZIA]

Pfft- can't hijack my thread, conversations flow...




Maybe this will make you smile.