How to deal with disapproving family? - Page 2

EmbraceCalamity · 12-28-12, 10:10 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by dinosaurdammit

I didnt mean the frill thing as an insult, i was just stating how you can do it and I just somehow lack the spine to do so. I want to so bad stand up and state my thoughts but they just jumble up my words and they end up coming out as garbling mouth vomit. How can I better gain the confidence to say the things i need to?

Read The Satanic Bible. Great confidence-builder.

~Maggot

BarelyBreathing · 12-28-12, 11:08 PM

Tell her that next time you would love to spend time with her over at her home (or a restaurant, or a museum, etc etc).

EmbraceCalamity · 12-28-12, 11:10 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by BarelyBreathing

Tell her that next time you would love to spend time with her over at her home (or a restaurant, or a museum, etc etc).

I think she's from out of the area, hence my suggestion about the hotel room and spending time outside of the house. That's what I got, anyway. I think that would be the most reasonable solution to the problem.

~Maggot

dinosaurdammit · 12-28-12, 11:22 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by EmbraceCalamity

I think she's from out of the area, hence my suggestion about the hotel room and spending time outside of the house. That's what I got, anyway. I think that would be the most reasonable solution to the problem.

~Maggot

I dont want to burden her with the expensive of having to stay in a hotel but her intolerance and ignorance make it so she refuses to understand anything I try and tell her. It is her way or highway. She lives over 1,600 miles away so its not often we get to see each other and when she is here she spoils my kid until she turns into an absolute BRAT and then is intolerable to take out on trips.

EmbraceCalamity · 12-28-12, 11:30 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by dinosaurdammit

I dont want to burden her with the expensive of having to stay in a hotel but her intolerance and ignorance make it so she refuses to understand anything I try and tell her. It is her way or highway. She lives over 1,600 miles away so its not often we get to see each other and when she is here she spoils my kid until she turns into an absolute BRAT and then is intolerable to take out on trips.

Maybe you could pay for the room? Or tell her that she's going to have to choose one way or the other.

~Maggot

dinosaurdammit · 12-28-12, 11:35 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by EmbraceCalamity

Maybe you could pay for the room? Or tell her that she's going to have to choose one way or the other.

~Maggot

I couldnt afford a 70 dollar a night stay :/ Id go so broke so fast. Knowing her I would imagine she would stay at home and hold it against me.

EmbraceCalamity · 12-28-12, 11:43 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by dinosaurdammit

I couldnt afford a 70 dollar a night stay :/ Id go so broke so fast. Knowing her I would imagine she would stay at home and hold it against me.

I figured. Like I said, these kinds of people can't be negotiated with. Guess you're stuck.

~Maggot

BarelyBreathing · 12-29-12, 12:00 AM

I'm sorry.

That sucks. Perhaps you can have your parent talk to her? I hate saying this, but it really sounds like it's more hassle than it's worth.

Danimal · 12-29-12, 12:41 AM

No one is going to agree with everything you do. How you handle it is a reflection of your character in my opinion. I don't know you or your nana and I don't know what you or your nana have or haven't done so I think it would be irresponsible to tell you what you should do but I can tell you what I have done in similar situations.

Find a balance. I put up with a certain amount of ridicule because I deserved it. Also because I owed a debt to all those who helped raise me and because I do respect my elders. Most of the criticism will have roots in concern. If there is any truth in the criticsim then I would do what I could to quell the fears of those that care. There is not always an easy answer here, some compromise is painful. If you just walk a different path and you make them uncomfortable, then figure out a way to make them comfortable.

If I felt it was mean spirited for the sake of being mean, I let it roll off me. When dealing with a mean person the only power they have over you is what you give them. If their accusations are baseless then they are without value, there is nothing to hold over you unless you let them. Don't be petulant just let it go.

Some folks are just that way. About 10 years ago my younger brother complained about my father being too hard. This is my youngest brother by 6 years, I am the oldest. Let me just say that if my father was hard on my younger brothers then he was gruesome to me. I didn't see it that way though. I told my brother, you think that dad is hard on me because I don't do things the "right way" so I deserve it. Conversely, because you do things the "right way" that dad is just picking on you for no reason. He says, with a smile, exactly. So I asked him if he thought over confident people took too much for granted and left themselves open to mistakes....... In the same way that I might not take dads advice and make a mistake that would have been avoided if I had listened?

Lankyrob · 12-29-12, 05:35 AM

I see it like this, you sit her down in a neutral place and explain that you highly respect her opinion and love spending time woth her BUT you are an adult, you have your own place thatYOU pay the bills for and within that environment (and within the confines of the law) you can do what YOU want.

Explain your love for the snakes and explain that if they upset her then you will respectthis and keep then locked in their viv for the duration of her visit, explain that they are harmless and CAN NOT escape from their homes.

My father hates snakes and cant understand why we have them, they are in our living room so cant be missed or hidden. I told him that i want him to visit and would NOT get them outwhilst he was here. Now, after a couple of years of visits he will stand and watch them in their vivs, still not getting them out but we can visit in peace.

I have a close friend who has an extreme phobia (she vomits if she sees onein a magazine or on tv) so we have agreed to only socialise at her place si ce we have gotten the snakes.

Everything is about compromise and nobody can make you feel "bad" unless YOU give them permission to do so

StudentoReptile · 12-29-12, 06:30 AM

I have a similar situation. My mother-in-law doesn't care for snakes much either, and for the first couple years my (now) wife and I were dating and later got married, she rarely if ever came to visit. My wife and I were unified with the fact that reptiles (snakes included) are and always be a part of my life, and I'm not getting rid of them because this is OUR home, not my MIL. I tried to be courteous and moved all the reptiles in one room, and would close the door so no relatives would see them. Eventually, my MIL's desire to visit with her grandchildren took precedence over her phobia, and she does visit from time to time.

But in the end, this is YOUR life and YOUR home. You have to tell "nana" that you respect her and still love her, but these our YOUR animals that you will keep, and you are not going to change your way of life just for her. It may be a difficult conversation but some relatives just have to learn how to deal.

shaunyboy · 12-29-12, 07:35 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by dinosaurdammit

I guess its how I was raised deep south. Respect your elders no matter what. It doesnt mean you cannot disagree or be upset with it but basically it boils down to bite your tongue and eat crap with a smile. I dont like ti but its been instilled so hard in me I cant do differently.

i know how you feel pal,i have a 73 year old father who is just like your gran...

i could have been the first man on the moon and he would say.....

what took you so bloody long to get there,nothing i did/do is ever good enough

in the end after years and years of us not getting on,i decided to write him a letter (summertime this year),i gave the letter to my mum,who handed it to my dad as he was heading to bed...

re letter
with a letter they will sit and read it,time and time again if needed,but since your not there and its only paper,they have nothing to kick off at...

i was honest and to the point with my dad,and for now he seems to have mellowed,so writing down how you feel and explaining why you hurt,may be a way of getting through to her...

i told my dad that i understand we're from different generations,and i was grateful for my upbringing,and that i understood why he was how he is,but i would never be like him,and we are 2 completely different types of human being,and if i can respect him for who he is,then surely he can do the same when it comes to me

my father never spoke of my letter,not even to my mum,but she said the next day after giving it to him,she felt he had changed a little...

theres nothing worse than someone you love crapping all over you,so i hope you get things sorted out with your gran.....

all that said,you cannot let them constantly tare lumps out you...

you need to fix it,or no matter how hard it is...walk away before it tares you apart

all the best,shaun

Wildside · 12-29-12, 07:46 AM

This isn't about reptiles guys. It's about the head games her gran likes to play with her. The reptiles are just more ammo for the cannon.

shaunyboy · 12-29-12, 07:49 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by dinosaurdammit

I didnt mean the frill thing as an insult, i was just stating how you can do it and I just somehow lack the spine to do so. I want to so bad stand up and state my thoughts but they just jumble up my words and they end up coming out as garbling mouth vomit. How can I better gain the confidence to say the things i need to?

write it down in a letter,that way you have time to correct mistakes and write it exactly how it should be

also a letter lasts,so your gran can read it over and over,you never know some of it may sink in,and change her attitude

cheers shaun

dinosaurdammit · 12-29-12, 09:43 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by BarelyBreathing

I'm sorry.

That sucks. Perhaps you can have your parent talk to her? I hate saying this, but it really sounds like it's more hassle than it's worth.

I have no parents, she is basically my parent cause she adopted me. This is why it is so hard. She always relates me to my mother who had a lot of rough spots in her life. My husband finally had the heart to tell me that my nana though I was turning into my mother. My mom loved all animals great and small and had a small zoo of her own. The difference is I dont drink, do drugs and over all I dont do anything disruptive. While she was here I got a really bad stomach bug, I ended up having to go to the er and she griped at my husband that I am just like my mom, going to the er to get pain meds. I didnt need pain meds, I just needed Zofran to stop puking but she never seems to see that she just thinks I am some sort of drug addict pet owner with no proof of anything besides my herp zoo. Two days later she got said stomach bug. Wonder if it ever hit her that maybe just maybe she over thinks things.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Lankyrob

I see it like this, you sit her down in a neutral place and explain that you highly respect her opinion and love spending time woth her BUT you are an adult, you have your own place thatYOU pay the bills for and within that environment (and within the confines of the law) you can do what YOU want.

Explain your love for the snakes and explain that if they upset her then you will respectthis and keep then locked in their viv for the duration of her visit, explain that they are harmless and CAN NOT escape from their homes.

My father hates snakes and cant understand why we have them, they are in our living room so cant be missed or hidden. I told him that i want him to visit and would NOT get them outwhilst he was here. Now, after a couple of years of visits he will stand and watch them in their vivs, still not getting them out but we can visit in peace.

I have a close friend who has an extreme phobia (she vomits if she sees onein a magazine or on tv) so we have agreed to only socialise at her place si ce we have gotten the snakes.

Everything is about compromise and nobody can make you feel "bad" unless YOU give them permission to do so

While she was here none of them got out, she didnt even know we had the snake until somehow our bedroom became unlocked and open

still cannot figure out how that happened.

Quote:

Originally Posted by shaunyboy

i know how you feel pal,i have a 73 year old father who is just like your gran...

i could have been the first man on the moon and he would say.....

what took you so bloody long to get there,nothing i did/do is ever good enough

in the end after years and years of us not getting on,i decided to write him a letter (summertime this year),i gave the letter to my mum,who handed it to my dad as he was heading to bed...

re letter
with a letter they will sit and read it,time and time again if needed,but since your not there and its only paper,they have nothing to kick off at...

i was honest and to the point with my dad,and for now he seems to have mellowed,so writing down how you feel and explaining why you hurt,may be a way of getting through to her...

i told my dad that i understand we're from different generations,and i was grateful for my upbringing,and that i understood why he was how he is,but i would never be like him,and we are 2 completely different types of human being,and if i can respect him for who he is,then surely he can do the same when it comes to me

my father never spoke of my letter,not even to my mum,but she said the next day after giving it to him,she felt he had changed a little...

theres nothing worse than someone you love crapping all over you,so i hope you get things sorted out with your gran.....

all that said,you cannot let them constantly tare lumps out you...

you need to fix it,or no matter how hard it is...walk away before it tares you apart

all the best,shaun

its hard because there is a two generation gap. My mother strayed off the path, went down a bad path, tried to correct it and then died before "succeeding". She seems to think somehow reptiles take away from me playing with my kid, to be honest, in their vivs they are pretty self sustaining. All I have to do is throw food in or change their water if it needs it. She thinks god forbid I feed them that I am spending all my time with them. She thinks snakes are "evil" lizards too so by having them somehow I am evil and will ruin my kids life. My kid LOVE the snakes and loves the monitor lizard, she cant see the CWD all that much because they hide in plants all the time. Sometimes I think my mother rebelled because my grandmother has an acceptance level of 0. Somehow I have put up with it for all these years. My husband even said if it were anyone else they would have told her to F off but I just cant. I love my husbands mom, she accepts him no matter what, thats what parents SHOULD do but all my life I have been looked down on because I dont conform to her ideal image.

Quote:

Originally Posted by shaunyboy

write it down in a letter,that way you have time to correct mistakes and write it exactly how it should be

also a letter lasts,so your gran can read it over and over,you never know some of it may sink in,and change her attitude

cheers shaun

I think in this case a letter would be appropriate. Thanking her for all she did while she was here but explaining that these are my animals and my responsibility and they make me happy. Also explaining that while she thinks she knows best while she is here I would like my house rules to stick so my kid doesnt turn into a terror and that while she is here the animals are not magically going to unlock their vivs and get out to attack her in her sleep. If I have a toddler who can work a computer I damn well will have master locks on my vivs, I know monitors are smart but it isnt like Pajaaamas is going to use a +10 to pick locking to get out just to harass her. Just by having vivs in the house she automatically thinks the whole place is unsanitary. I really fail to see how because they have no smell other than wood until you open them and then they just smell like damp earth. I dont let my lizards or snakes crawl around anything but the living room and its only on the floor and never when she is here. It also gets mopped after every outing to precent cross species contamination. Somehow she thinks she will get airborne lizard aids or something. I hope when I sit down down to write this I can form all my thoughts from the past 15 years into a well written letter. Maybe it will change things but I also fear the worst that she will just resent me somehow.