Need a smile? the ZARADOZIA awesome joke thread - Page 2

ZARADOZIA · 10-24-11, 03:16 PM

USELESS INFORMATION ...

If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee
(Hardly seems worth it.)

Hippo milk is pink.
(Ew)

Drivers kill more deer than hunters.
(…)

The IRS employee’s tax manual has instructions for collecting taxes after a nuclear war.
(Go Figure!)

If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.
(Now that's more like it!)

A completely blind chameleon will still take on the colors of its environment.
(Sad. I know completely sighted people that can’t even dress appropriately.)

The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out enough energy to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.
(O.M.G.!)

A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.
(In my next life, I want to be a pig.)

A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death.
(Creepy.) (still not over the pig.)

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.
(Do not try this at home...... maybe at work.)

The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.
("Honey, I'm home. What the....?!")

The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field.
(30 minutes... lucky pig.. can you imagine??)

The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.
(What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)

Some lions mate over 50 times a day
(I still want to be a pig in my next life...quality over quantity)

Butterflies taste with their feet.
(Something I always wanted to know.)

The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.
(Hmm! mmmm........)

Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people.
(If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)

Elephants are the only animal that has four knees.
Elephants are the only animal that cannot jump.
(OK, so that would be a good thing....)

A cat's urine glows under a black light.
(I wonder who was paid to figure that out?)

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its ! brain.
(I know some people like that.)

Starfish have no brains.
(I know some people like that too.)

Polar bears are left-handed.
(If they switch, they'll live a lot longer.)

Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
(What about that pig??)

**millertime89** · 10-24-11, 03:26 PM

I've seen those before, but they still make me laugh.

stephanbakir · 10-24-11, 03:27 PM

Rofl, good read

Quick question regarding that last one... I had a dog that humped chairs for 6 years and we never once got babies, I'm assuming he did it because it felt good :P

ZARADOZIA · 10-24-11, 03:51 PM

Newspaper headlines in the year 2035

Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest country in the world, California.

White minorities still trying to have English recognized as California's third language.

Spotted Owl plague threatens northwestern United States crops & livestock.

Baby conceived naturally.... Scientists stumped.

Last remaining Fundamentalist Muslim dies in the American Territory of the Middle East (formerly known as Iran, Afghanistan, Syria, and Lebanon.)

Iraq still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least ten more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels.

Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally, but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking.

George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2036.

Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to $17.89 and reduces mail delivery to Wednesday only.

35 year study: Diet and Exercise is the key to weight loss.

Massachusetts executes last remaining conservative.

Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals violates their civil rights.

Average height of NBA players now nine feet, seven inches.

New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screw-drivers, fly swatters, and rolled up newspapers must be registered by January 2036.

Congress authorizes direct deposit of illegal political contributions to campaign accounts.

Capital Hill intern indicted for refusing to have sex with congressman.

IRS sets lowest tax rate at 75%.

Florida Democrats still don't know how to use a voting machine.

(This was sent to me by my Sis-in-law Oct 2003. She passed on a few years back, but her memory lives on. I wanted to share her wonderful sense of humor and share her laughter.)

Snakefood · 10-24-11, 05:25 PM

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.
(Do not try this at home...... maybe at work.)

This explains alot!!

when I worked at the vets, we had a paper red target taped to the wall for just such occassions, and at the vets those occassions happen alot!!!

ZARADOZIA · 10-24-11, 05:36 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by stephanbakir

Rofl, good read

Quick question regarding that last one... I had a dog that humped chairs for 6 years and we never once got babies, I'm assuming he did it because it felt good :P

LOL Great point! I have no idea...

Noisy animals are not my forte. I am not much of a dog person and I really don't care for male dogs for reasons stated above.

Snakefood · 10-24-11, 05:38 PM

hey, hey, hey!!! My male dog doesn't hump anything!!! My little female Rattie does though!!

Snakefood · 10-24-11, 05:44 PM

Baby conceived naturally.... Scientists stumped.
( did you see the movie "Child Of Man")

Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to $17.89 and reduces mail delivery to Wednesday only.
(Hey, that just happened here!!)

Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals violates their civil rights.
(Hasn't that pretty much already happened??)

ZARADOZIA · 10-24-11, 05:55 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Snakefood

Baby conceived naturally.... Scientists stumped.
( did you see the movie "Child Of Man")

Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to $17.89 and reduces mail delivery to Wednesday only.
(Hey, that just happened here!!)

Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals violates their civil rights.
(Hasn't that pretty much already happened??)

1. No, is it any good?
2. ACK!
3. No JOKE! I wish all states would take on the 3 strikes law and many other much needed changes. But I don't believe in much leniency when it comes to violent crimes. Some things needs to be zero tolerance.

ZARADOZIA · 10-24-11, 05:58 PM

The Elderly

1-ARIZONA DRIVERS:

An elderly woman called 911 on her cell phone to report that her car had been broken into. She was hysterical as she explained her situation to the dispatcher: "They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal, and even the accelerator!" she cried. The dispatcher said, "Stay calm. An officer is on the way." A few minutes later, the officer radios in. "Disregard," he said. "She got in the backseat by mistake."

_______________________________________

2- FAMILY

Three sisters ages 92, 94 and 96 live in a house together. One night the 96 year old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses. She yells to the other sisters, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?" The 94-year-old yells back, "I don't know. I'll come up and see." She starts up the stairs and pauses "Was I going up the stairs or down?" The 92 year old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her sisters.

She shakes her head and says, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful."

She knocks on wood for good measure. She then yells, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door."

______________________________________

3- "I CAN HEAR JUST FINE!"

Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine March day. One remarked to the other, "Windy isn't it?" "No," the second man replied, "it’s Thursday." And the third man chimed in, "So am I. Let's have a beer."

_______________________________________

4- Super-Sex

A little old lady was running up and down the halls in a nursing home. As she walked, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say "Supersex." She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair. Flipping her gown at him, she said, "Supersex." He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered, "I'll take the soup."
_______________________________________

5-OLD FRIENDS

Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years, they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards. One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me. I know we've been friends for a long time, but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is." Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes, she just stared and glared at her. Finally, she said, "How soon do you need to know?"

______________________________________ _

6- SENIOR DRIVING

As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Interstate 77. Please be careful!" "Hell," said Herman, "It's not just one car, it's hundreds of them!

ZARADOZIA · 10-24-11, 05:59 PM

A physician claims that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their Colonoscopies:

1. "Take it easy Doc, you're boldly going where no man has gone before."
2. "Find Amelia Earhart yet?"
3. "Can you hear me NOW?"
4. "Oh boy! That was sphincterrific!"
5. "Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?"
6. "You know in Arkansas we're now legally married."
7. "Any sign of the trapped miners Chief?"
8. "You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out...."
9. "Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!"
10. "If your hand doesn't fit you must aquit!"
11. "Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity."
12. "You used to be an executive at Enron didn't you?"

And the best one of them all..........
13 "Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is in fact not up there."

Snakefood · 10-24-11, 06:02 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ZARADOZIA

1. No, is it any good?
2. ACK!
3. No JOKE! I wish all states would take on the 3 strikes law and many other much needed changes. But I don't believe in much leniency when it comes to violent crimes. Some things needs to be zero tolerance.

1. Ya, It's one I would reccomend!! It's about the world after ALL women stop concieving, naturally or otherwise.

2. my sentiments exactly!!

3. Yes, here in Canada the law is really screwy when it comes to any crime really. What really burns my *** here though is:

if someone owes you $$, statute of limitations says you have 7 years to go after them. If someone RAPES you, statute of limitations says you have 5 years to go after them.

Am I the only one who thinks this is ***-backwards???

ZARADOZIA · 10-24-11, 06:03 PM

The Boob Poem

For years and years they told me,
Be careful of your breasts.
Don't ever squeeze or bruise them,
And give them monthly tests.

So I heeded all their warnings,
And protected them by law.
Guarded them very carefully,
And I always wore my bra.

After 30 years of astute care,
My gyno, Dr. Pruitt,
Said I should get a Mammogram,
"O.K.," I said, "let's do it."

"Stand up here real close" she said,
(She got my boob in line),
"And tell me when it hurts," she said,
"Ah yes! Right there, that's fine."

She stepped upon a pedal.
I could not believe my eyes!
A plastic plate came slamming down,
My hooter's in a vise!

My skin was stretched and mangled,
From underneath my chin.
My poor boob was being squashed,
To Swedish Pancake thin.

Excruciating pain I felt,
Within it's vise-like grip.
A prisoner in this vicious thing,
My poor defenseless tit!

"Take a deep breath" she said to me,
Who does she think she's kidding?!?
My chest is mashed in her machine
And woozy I am getting.

"There, that's good," I heard her say,
(The room was slowly swaying.)
"Now, let's have a go at the other one."
Have mercy, I was praying.

It squeezed me from both up and down,
It squeezed me from both sides.
I'll bet SHE'S never had this done,
To HER tender little hide.

Next time that they make me do this,
I will request a blindfold,
I have no wish to see again,
My knockers getting steamrolled.

If I had no problem when I came in,
I surely have one now.
If there had been a cyst in there,
It would have gone "ker-pow"!

This machine was created by a man,
Of this, I have no doubt.
I'd like to stick his balls in there,
And see how THEY come out.

Snakefood · 10-24-11, 06:07 PM

I love it!! 100% LOVE IT!!!

ZARADOZIA · 10-24-11, 06:07 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Snakefood

1. Ya, It's one I would reccomend!! It's about the world after ALL women stop concieving, naturally or otherwise.

2. my sentiments exactly!!

3. Yes, here in Canada the law is really screwy when it comes to any crime really. What really burns my *** here though is:

if someone owes you $$, statute of limitations says you have 7 years to go after them. If someone RAPES you, statute of limitations says you have 5 years to go after them.

Am I the only one who thinks this is ***-backwards???

I completely agree with you. Personally, (folks don't give me grief over this, it's just my thoughts) I believe rapists should be given the death sentence. Or at least turn them into a eunuch so it can't be done again.