Need a smile? the ZARADOZIA awesome joke thread

[KORBIN5895]

Old people are great! I work at a nursing home and I could picture a few faces as I read this. The only scary thing I see about getting old is Alzheimer disease. We have a lady under 60 with it.

[ZARADOZIA]

Originally Posted by KORBIN5895

Old people are great! I work at a nursing home and I could picture a few faces as I read this. The only scary thing I see about getting old is Alzheimer disease. We have a lady under 60 with it.

Alzheimer is one that scares the stuffings out of me. One of the resons I read & study so much, to keep all parts of the brain active.

My son's Great G-ma has it and it's heart breaking. I don't want to be like that. I do look forward to being the silly Great G-ma sitting on the front porch that the Grand kids giggle at though!

**Cool scientific factoid:
Reading jokes that makes you laugh and think uses more brain power than not. Because of this, if you can make learning entertaining (quick wit, intelligent wit) you will learn twice as fast.

[Snakefood]

I have a very beloved 91 (92 in Jan) Grandmother!!

[jaleely]

ah haha! i emailed those to my mom hehehe

[ZARADOZIA]

A physician claims that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their Colonoscopies:

1. "Take it easy Doc, you're boldly going where no man has gone before."
2. "Find Amelia Earhart yet?"
3. "Can you hear me NOW?"
4. "Oh boy! That was sphincterrific!"
5. "Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?"
6. "You know in Arkansas we're now legally married."
7. "Any sign of the trapped miners Chief?"
8. "You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out...."
9. "Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!"
10. "If your hand doesn't fit you must aquit!"
11. "Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity."
12. "You used to be an executive at Enron didn't you?"

And the best one of them all..........
13 "Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is in fact not up there."

[millertime89]

holy $hit, those are funny.

[alessia55]

hahahaha the last one is the best for sure

[ZARADOZIA]

The Boob Poem

For years and years they told me,
Be careful of your breasts.
Don't ever squeeze or bruise them,
And give them monthly tests.

So I heeded all their warnings,
And protected them by law.
Guarded them very carefully,
And I always wore my bra.

After 30 years of astute care,
My gyno, Dr. Pruitt,
Said I should get a Mammogram,
"O.K.," I said, "let's do it."

"Stand up here real close" she said,
(She got my boob in line),
"And tell me when it hurts," she said,
"Ah yes! Right there, that's fine."

She stepped upon a pedal.
I could not believe my eyes!
A plastic plate came slamming down,
My hooter's in a vise!

My skin was stretched and mangled,
From underneath my chin.
My poor boob was being squashed,
To Swedish Pancake thin.

Excruciating pain I felt,
Within it's vise-like grip.
A prisoner in this vicious thing,
My poor defenseless tit!

"Take a deep breath" she said to me,
Who does she think she's kidding?!?
My chest is mashed in her machine
And woozy I am getting.

"There, that's good," I heard her say,
(The room was slowly swaying.)
"Now, let's have a go at the other one."
Have mercy, I was praying.

It squeezed me from both up and down,
It squeezed me from both sides.
I'll bet SHE'S never had this done,
To HER tender little hide.

Next time that they make me do this,
I will request a blindfold,
I have no wish to see again,
My knockers getting steamrolled.

If I had no problem when I came in,
I surely have one now.
If there had been a cyst in there,
It would have gone "ker-pow"!

This machine was created by a man,
Of this, I have no doubt.
I'd like to stick his balls in there,
And see how THEY come out.

[Snakefood]

I love it!! 100% LOVE IT!!!

[CK SandBoas]

That is fantastic!!

[alessia55]

hahaha that last verse is hilarious!! so true!

This machine was created by a man,
Of this, I have no doubt.
I'd like to stick his balls in there,
And see how THEY come out.

[lady_bug87]

hahahahaha love the Chi Chis

[mybella]

LOL...funny

[ZARADOZIA]

A Cowboy Story

A modern day cowboy has spent many days crossing the desert without water.
His horse has already died of thirst.
He's crawling through the sand, certain that he has breathed his last, when all of a sudden, he sees an object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him.
He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand, and discovers what looks to be an old brief case.

He opens it and out pops a genie. But this is no ordinary genie.
She is wearing an Internal Revenue Service ID badge and a dull gray dress.
There's a calculator in her pocketbook. She has a pencil tucked behind one ear.

"Well, cowboy," says the genie... "You know how I work. You have three wishes."
"I'm not falling for this." Says the man. "I'm not going to trust an IRS auditor genie."
"What do you have to lose? You've got no transportation, and it looks like you're a goner anyway!"

The man thinks about this for a minute, and decides that the genie is right.
"OK, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plenty of food and drink."
***POOF***
The cowboy finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen. And he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.

"OK, cowpoke, what's your second wish."
"My second wish is that I was rich beyond my wildest dreams."
***POOF***
The man finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold coins and precious gems.

"OK, cowpuncher, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!"
After thinking for a few minutes, the man says.. "I wish that no matter where I go, beautiful women will want and need me."
***POOF***
He is turned into a tampon.

The moral of the story: If the government offers you anything, there's going to be a string attached

[millertime89]

rofl, that's hilarious.