How to deal with disapproving family? - Page 2

dinosaurdammit · 12-28-12, 11:22 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by EmbraceCalamity

I think she's from out of the area, hence my suggestion about the hotel room and spending time outside of the house. That's what I got, anyway. I think that would be the most reasonable solution to the problem.

~Maggot

I dont want to burden her with the expensive of having to stay in a hotel but her intolerance and ignorance make it so she refuses to understand anything I try and tell her. It is her way or highway. She lives over 1,600 miles away so its not often we get to see each other and when she is here she spoils my kid until she turns into an absolute BRAT and then is intolerable to take out on trips.

EmbraceCalamity · 12-28-12, 11:30 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by dinosaurdammit

I dont want to burden her with the expensive of having to stay in a hotel but her intolerance and ignorance make it so she refuses to understand anything I try and tell her. It is her way or highway. She lives over 1,600 miles away so its not often we get to see each other and when she is here she spoils my kid until she turns into an absolute BRAT and then is intolerable to take out on trips.

Maybe you could pay for the room? Or tell her that she's going to have to choose one way or the other.

~Maggot

dinosaurdammit · 12-28-12, 11:35 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by EmbraceCalamity

Maybe you could pay for the room? Or tell her that she's going to have to choose one way or the other.

~Maggot

I couldnt afford a 70 dollar a night stay :/ Id go so broke so fast. Knowing her I would imagine she would stay at home and hold it against me.

BarelyBreathing · 12-29-12, 12:00 AM

I'm sorry.

That sucks. Perhaps you can have your parent talk to her? I hate saying this, but it really sounds like it's more hassle than it's worth.

Danimal · 12-29-12, 12:41 AM

No one is going to agree with everything you do. How you handle it is a reflection of your character in my opinion. I don't know you or your nana and I don't know what you or your nana have or haven't done so I think it would be irresponsible to tell you what you should do but I can tell you what I have done in similar situations.

Find a balance. I put up with a certain amount of ridicule because I deserved it. Also because I owed a debt to all those who helped raise me and because I do respect my elders. Most of the criticism will have roots in concern. If there is any truth in the criticsim then I would do what I could to quell the fears of those that care. There is not always an easy answer here, some compromise is painful. If you just walk a different path and you make them uncomfortable, then figure out a way to make them comfortable.

If I felt it was mean spirited for the sake of being mean, I let it roll off me. When dealing with a mean person the only power they have over you is what you give them. If their accusations are baseless then they are without value, there is nothing to hold over you unless you let them. Don't be petulant just let it go.

Some folks are just that way. About 10 years ago my younger brother complained about my father being too hard. This is my youngest brother by 6 years, I am the oldest. Let me just say that if my father was hard on my younger brothers then he was gruesome to me. I didn't see it that way though. I told my brother, you think that dad is hard on me because I don't do things the "right way" so I deserve it. Conversely, because you do things the "right way" that dad is just picking on you for no reason. He says, with a smile, exactly. So I asked him if he thought over confident people took too much for granted and left themselves open to mistakes....... In the same way that I might not take dads advice and make a mistake that would have been avoided if I had listened?

Lankyrob · 12-29-12, 05:35 AM

I see it like this, you sit her down in a neutral place and explain that you highly respect her opinion and love spending time woth her BUT you are an adult, you have your own place thatYOU pay the bills for and within that environment (and within the confines of the law) you can do what YOU want.

Explain your love for the snakes and explain that if they upset her then you will respectthis and keep then locked in their viv for the duration of her visit, explain that they are harmless and CAN NOT escape from their homes.

My father hates snakes and cant understand why we have them, they are in our living room so cant be missed or hidden. I told him that i want him to visit and would NOT get them outwhilst he was here. Now, after a couple of years of visits he will stand and watch them in their vivs, still not getting them out but we can visit in peace.

I have a close friend who has an extreme phobia (she vomits if she sees onein a magazine or on tv) so we have agreed to only socialise at her place si ce we have gotten the snakes.

Everything is about compromise and nobody can make you feel "bad" unless YOU give them permission to do so

StudentoReptile · 12-29-12, 06:30 AM

I have a similar situation. My mother-in-law doesn't care for snakes much either, and for the first couple years my (now) wife and I were dating and later got married, she rarely if ever came to visit. My wife and I were unified with the fact that reptiles (snakes included) are and always be a part of my life, and I'm not getting rid of them because this is OUR home, not my MIL. I tried to be courteous and moved all the reptiles in one room, and would close the door so no relatives would see them. Eventually, my MIL's desire to visit with her grandchildren took precedence over her phobia, and she does visit from time to time.

But in the end, this is YOUR life and YOUR home. You have to tell "nana" that you respect her and still love her, but these our YOUR animals that you will keep, and you are not going to change your way of life just for her. It may be a difficult conversation but some relatives just have to learn how to deal.

Wildside · 12-29-12, 07:46 AM

This isn't about reptiles guys. It's about the head games her gran likes to play with her. The reptiles are just more ammo for the cannon.

KORBIN5895 · 12-29-12, 09:55 AM

Let me sum this up for you. Your grandmother is a very bitter old woman. I know because I lived with one just like her for eight years. I hope you can come to terms with that. She will never change. I am sorry and I'm not trying to be a **** because I can feel for you. I know where you are coming from.

dinosaurdammit · 12-29-12, 10:01 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by KORBIN5895

Let me sum this up for you. Your grandmother is a very bitter old woman. I know because I lived with one just like her for eight years. I hope you can come to terms with that. She will never change. I am sorry and I'm not trying to be a **** because I can feel for you. I know where you are coming from.

I can understand she had a hard life but why does she need to feel like she has to share the experience. Ive not exactly had an easy life either. At what point did she just become bitter and at what point will she ever see that if she doesnt change it will only drive me away.

KORBIN5895 · 12-29-12, 10:22 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by dinosaurdammit

I can understand she had a hard life but why does she need to feel like she has to share the experience. Ive not exactly had an easy life either. At what point did she just become bitter and at what point will she ever see that if she doesnt change it will only drive me away.

Mine never did figure it out. Every time I tried to reach out she would be all pissy because I hadn't called in "x" number of days, even if it had been only a week. She now is in a nursing home and no one wants to see her not even her own kids.

Relentless · 12-29-12, 10:31 AM

dinosaurdammit, first let me give you my sincerest apologies for having to deal with someone like that. I know exactly how you feel, almost to the tee. My grandparents are the exact same way with animals, but not as extreme as your nana. My mom has been that critical of me, not including the animals though, for most of my life up until I went to college.

I agree with most of what everyone said here. She is older and set in her ways. She has this perfect image in her head that no one would be able to live up to, including you. It's something certain people do because it makes them feel important or powerful. She probably will never change and she definitely will drive you away acting like this. It is VERY WRONG of her to treat you this way. You feel indebted to her just as I feel indebted to my mother when she tries to guilt me out of things she doesn't like. She tells me she raised me and put me through school and gives me the world, etc. Yet growing up, she was constantly on medication, drunk, or high and couldn't do a damn thing. Yet I feel indebted to her. It is a terrible feeling. STOP thinking you owe her something. That's what I did. My mother came around and now respects me for what I have become, despite my hardships. Your nana may not come around, but if staying away from you to prove her point is more important than seeing her daughter and grandchild, then she is at fault. NOT YOU. Keep your head up, sweetheart. Don't let someone else criminalize your hobby, your passion.

StudentoReptile · 12-29-12, 10:44 AM

The last two posts sum things up well. These situations are difficult, but some people will NEVER see eye-to-eye when it comes to this hobby (or other things in life as well). For example, I have resigned myself to the fact that no job I ever will hold will ever meet my mother's satisfaction. I'm 30 yrs old, and I have my own family (wife and 2 kids) to worry about, without concerning myself with someone else's expectations.

dinosaurdammit · 12-29-12, 11:08 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by StudentoReptile

The last two posts sum things up well. These situations are difficult, but some people will NEVER see eye-to-eye when it comes to this hobby (or other things in life as well). For example, I have resigned myself to the fact that no job I ever will hold will ever meet my mother's satisfaction. I'm 30 yrs old, and I have my own family (wife and 2 kids) to worry about, without concerning myself with someone else's expectations.

I now understand what I must do its going to be hard to get myself out of the mindset of always just being a yes person when she ask. Its going to be difficult but I truly love my critters and I respect her but I think its high time she realizes im not my mother and that I am deserving of respect.

Relentless · 12-29-12, 12:00 PM

That's more like it! There's a point where it's no longer respecting your elders, but letting someone take advantage of your kind and understand personality. It's just not fair to you.