How To Give a Cat a Pill.....

[beth wallbank]

THIS IS JUST A JOKE!!! DO NOT TAKE ANY OF IT SERIOUSLY

HOW TO GIVE A CAT A PILL

1. Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left
arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger &
thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply
pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand.
As cat opens mouth pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to
close mouth and swallow.

2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa.
Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, throw soggy pill away.

4. Take a new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left
arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force
pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold
mouth shut for a count of ten.

5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top
of wardrobe. Call spouse from yard.

6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between
knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls
emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with
one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop
pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.

7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill
from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair
curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and
vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing
later.

8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on
cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill
in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with
pencil, and blow down drinking straw.

9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to
humans, drink 1 beer to take taste away. Apply
Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from
carpet with cold water and soap.

10. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another
pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard and
close door onto neck to leave head showing; force
mouth open with desert spoon. Flick pill down throat
with rubber band.

11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard
door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of
Scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek
and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply

whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back
another shot. Throw t-shirt away and fetch new one
from bedroom.

12. Call Fire department to retrieve the damn cat from
the tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who
crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take
last pill from foil wrap.

13. Tie the little $%#$%%"s front paws to rear paws
with twine and bind tightly to leg of dining room
table, find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed. Push
pill into mouth followed by large piece of steak. Be
rough about it! Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints
of water down throat to wash pill down.

14. Consume remainder of Scotch. Get spouse to drive
you to the emergency room of the hospital, sit quietly
while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes
pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on
way home to order new table.

15. Arrange for Humane Society to collect mutant cat
from hell and call local pet shop to see if they have
any hamsters.


HOW TO GIVE A DOG A PILL

1. Wrap it in bacon.

[Lisa]

an oldie but one of my favourites.

[daver676]

I've always like that one, and it's true. My gf gives the cat it's pills, I'm too impatient!

Dave

[KingFfaj]

actually my friend has a bullmastiff and hes really delicate when it comes to depilling a piece of cheese, but bacon? mind your fingers, and your arm

[Invictus]

LOL... this is one my all time faves as well. Anyone who has ever owned a cat knows how disturbingly true this is.

[Yve]

hee, hee!! funny joke but man when it comes to the real thing....what a pain in the rump!

[TheRedDragon]

*LOL* Good one! I used to own a cat named Needles (believe me, he EARNED that name) and I had to give him antibiotics. Boy was THAT a pain in the a$$! *L*