At the end of my rope....

[Will0W783]

I can't take any more....I'm literally at the end of my rope. My fiance and I had been having a hard time connecting and communicating lately; he's been afraid of his workplace closing down and he gets depressed and distant when things go wrong at work. I've been depressed and lonely about it.

Well, Friday I went into work, and was told by my boss that the past year things hadn't come together and she couldn't afford to keep me on because I hadn't been able to learn the skills to work on her new projects. I'm a postdoc researcher, and for the last 8 months the lab has been in danger of closing because my boss wasn't going to get promoted. The grad student and my boss barely ever came to work, everyone was moping about, nothing got done. I did my best with the situation, but I couldn't learn as much as I wanted. Now I have to leave....I feel depressed, terrified and defeated.

I was a train wreck all weekend....then Sunday, after my fiance John and I watched "My Cat from Hell" with Jackson Galaxy, he suggested we take the cats for a walk. We have cat harnesses and used to walk our two male cats_ Khan and Trigger. Khan was excited to be outside, but Trigger laid down and howled until I took him back inside. I saw Scratch, a rescued stray we have, on the table and thought maybe she'd like a walk. I put the harness on her, tightened it up as best I could, and took her out. She puffed out her tail and darted around, until she got under my car. She somehow managed to pull out of the harness and took off up into the woods. John and I ran after her, but we lost her in the woods.....

Scratch was John's cat, but I was madly in love with her too. She was absolutely the sweetest, most loving little cat and never got into trouble. She'd snuggle with me on the bed every night, sit on my lap when I tried to eat dinner......she also cuddled with Trigger on the dining room table chairs. They'd lie with their paws around each other. I'm devastated and heartbroken....

We put up flyers, called the local shelters, and set live traps baited with her treats and food. I woke up this morning feeling sick as a dog; I'm coughing up chunks and my whole body hurts. I can't stop sobbing; it's all my fault that this sweet, dear cat is gone. It's going to rain hard tomorrow and she's scared and lost somewhere. I don't know how to forgive myself or how to move on.....I can't take anything else.

My dad has surgery for cancer in a week. Why is this all happening to me?
I NEED Scratch to be found; I can't cope with losing her right now.....