A hamster story

[beth wallbank]

this has got to be one of the funniest emails that I have yet to get. I think you'll get as big a kick out of it as I did.

> > If you have raised kids (or been one), and gone through the pet syndrome
> > including toilet-flush burials for dead goldfish, the story below will
> > have you laughing out LOUD!
> >
> > Overview: I had to take my son's hamster to the vet. Here's what
> > happened:
> >
> > Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was
> > "something wrong" with one of the two hamsters he holds prisoner in his
> > room. "He's
> > just lying there looking sick," he told me. "I'm serious, Dad. Can you
> > help?"
> >
> > I put my best hamster-healer statement on my face and followed him into
> > his bedroom. One of the little rodents was indeed lying on his back,
> > looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do. "Honey," I called,
> > "come look at the hamster!"
> >
> > Oh, my gosh," my wife diagnosed after a minute. "She's having babies."
> >
> > "What?" my son demanded. "But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!"
> >
> > I was equally outraged. "Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we
> > didn't want them to reproduce," I accused my wife.
> >
> > "Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage,?" she
> > inquired.. (I actually think she said this sarcastically!)
> >
> > "No, but you were supposed to get two boys!" I reminded her, (in my most
> >
> > loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth together).
> >
> > "Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" my son agreed.
> >
> > "Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, ya know," she
> > informed me. (Again with the sarcasm, ya think?)
> >
> > By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. I
> > shrugged, deciding to make the best of it.
> >
> > "Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience, I announced. "We're
> > about to witness the miracle of birth."
> >
> > "OH, Gross!", they shrieked.
> >
> > "Well, isn't THAT just Great!; what are we going to do with a litter of
> > tiny little hamster babies?" my wife wanted to know. (I really do think
> > she was being snotty here, too, don't you?)
> >
> > We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a tiny
> > foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later. "We don't
> > appear to be making much progress," I noted.
> >
> > "It's breech," my wife whispered, horrified.
> >
> > "Do something, Dad!" my son urged.
> >
> > "Okay, okay." Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when it
> > next
> > appeared, giving it a gingerly tug. It disappeared. I tried several more
> > times with the same results.
> >
> > "Should I call 911?" my eldest daughter wanted to know. "Maybe they
> > could
> > talk us through the trauma." (You see a pattern here with the females in
> > my
> > house?)
> >
> > "Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly.
> >
> > We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap. "Breathe,
> > Ernie, breathe," he urged.
> >
> > "I don't think hamsters do Lamaze," his mother noted to him. (Women can
> > be so cruel to their own young. I mean what she does to me is one thing,
> > but this boy is of her womb, for God's sake.)
> >
> > The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little
> > animal through a magnifying glass. "What do you think, Doc, a
> > c-section?" I suggested scientifically.
> >
> > "Oh, very interesting," he murmured. "Mr. and Mrs. Cameron, may I speak
> > to you privately for a moment?" I gulped, nodding for my son to step
> > outside.
> >
> > "Is Ernie going to be okay?" my wife asked.
> >
> > Oh, perfectly," the vet assured us. "This hamster is not in labor. In
> > fact,that isn't EVER going to happen... Ernie is a boy."
> >
> > "What!?"
> >
> > "You see, Ernie is a young male. And occasionally, as they come into
> > maturity, like most male species, they um.... er.... masturbate. Just
> > the way he did, lying on his back." He blushed, glancing at my wife.
> >
> > "Well, you know what I'm saying, Mr. Cameron." We were silent, absorbing
> >
> > this. "So Ernie's just... just... Excited?", my wife offered.
> >
> > "Exactly," the vet replied, relieved that we understood. More silence.
> > Then my viscous, cruel wife started to giggle. And giggle. And then even
> > laugh loudly.
> >
> > "What's so funny?" I demanded, knowing, but not believing that the woman
> >
> > I married would commit the upcoming affront to my flawless manliness.
> >
> > Tears were now running down her face. "It's just...that...I'm picturing
> > you pulling on its... its...teeny little..." she gasped for more air to
> > bellow in laughter once more.
> >
> > "That's enough," I warned.
> >
> > We thanked the Veterinarian and hurriedly bundled the hamsters and our
> > son
> > back into the car. He was glad everything was going to be okay.
> >
> > "I know Ernie's really thankful for what you've done, Dad," he told me.
> >
> > "Oh, you have NO idea," my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter.
>
>