subject:chili eating contest

[evil11]

Subject: chili contest
>
>
> > NOTE: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention
> > to the first two judges, the reaction of the third is even
> > better. For those of you who may have lived in Texas, you know
> > how true this is! They actually have a chili cook-off about the
> > time the rodeo comes to town. It takes up a major portion of the
> > parking lot at the Astrodome! You will likely want to read this
> > behind closed doors because, if you are like me, you will be
> > howling out loud.
> >
> >
> >
> > INEXPERIENCED CHILI TASTER
> >
> >
> >
> > Notes From An Inexperienced Chili Tester Named FRANK, who was
> > visiting Texas from the East Coast:
> >
> >
> >
> > "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili
> > cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment
> > and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking
> > directions to the beer wagon, when the call came. I was assured
> > by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't
> > be all that spicy, and besides, they told me I could have free
> > beer during the tasting, So I accepted."
> >
> >
> >
> > Here are the scorecards from the event:
> >
> > __________________________________________________ ________
> >
> > CHILI # 1 MIKE'S MANIAC MOBSTER MONSTER CHILI
> >
> >
> >
> > JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
> >
> > JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
> >
> > FRANK: Holy ****, what the **** is this stuff? You could remove
> > dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the
> > flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
> >
> > __________________________________________________ ________
> >
> > CHILI # 2 ARTHUR'S AFTERBURNER CHILI
> >
> >
> >
> > JUDGE ONE: Smokey, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.
> >
> > JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken
> > seriously.
> >
> > FRANK: Keep this out of the reach of children I'm not sure what
> > I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two
> > people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to
> > rush in more beer when
> >
> > they saw the look on my face.
> >
> > __________________________________________________ ________
> >
> > CHILI # 3 FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI
> >
> >
> >
> > JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more
> > beans.
> >
> > JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.
> >
> > FRANK: Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels
> > like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by
> > now get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the
> > back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm
> > getting ****-faced from all the beer.
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > __________________________________________________ ______
> >
> > CHILI # 4 BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC
> >
> >
> >
> > JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
> >
> > JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for
> > fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
> >
> > FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was
> > unable to taste it, is it possible to burnout taste buds? Sally,
> > the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills; that 300
> > lb. bitch is starting to look HOT just like this nuclear waste
> > I'm eating. Is chili an aphrodisiac?
> >
> > __________________________________________________ _____
> >
> > CHILI # 5 LINDA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER
> >
> >
> >
> > JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground,
> > adding considerable kick. Very Impressive.
> >
> > JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato.
> > Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
> >
> > FRANK: My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and
> > I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind
> > me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told
> > her that her chili had given me brain damage, Sally saved my
> > tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from a
> > pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off? It really pisses
> > me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw
> > those rednecks!
> >
> > __________________________________________________ ______
> >
> > CHILI # 6 VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY
> >
> >
> >
> > JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance
> > of spice and peppers.
> >
> > JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and
> > garlic. Superb.
> >
> > FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with
> > gaseous, sulfuric flames. I **** myself when I farted and I'm
> > worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to
> > stand behind me except Sally.
> >
> > Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my arse with a snow
> > cone!
> >
> > __________________________________________________ _
> >
> > CHILI # 7 SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI
> >
> >
> >
> > JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned
> > peppers.
> >
> > JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a
> > can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should take note that
> > I am worried about Judge Number 3, He appears to be in a bit of
> > distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
> >
> > FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I
> > wouldn't feel a ****ing thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the
> > world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is
> > covered with chili which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My
> > pants are full of lava-like **** to match my ****ing shirt. At
> > least during the autopsy they'll know what killed me. I've
> > decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it, I'm not
> > getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in
> > through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.