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Helpful tips
* Old telephone books make ideal personal address books. Simply cross out the names and addresses of people you don't know.
* Fool other drivers into thinking you have an expensive car phone by holding an old TV or video remote control up to your ear and occasionally swerving across the road and mounting the curb.
* Lose weight quickly by eating raw pork and rancid tuna. You might find that the subsequent food poisoning will enable you to lose 12 pounds in only two days.
* Avoid parking tickets by leaving your windshield wipers turned to fast wipe whenever you leave your car parked illegally.
* No time for a bath? Wrap yourself in masking tape and remove the dirt by simply peeling it off.
* Apply red nail polish to your nails before clipping them. The red nails will be much easier to spot on your bathroom carpet. (Unless you have a red carpet, in which case a contrasting polish should be selected).
* If a person is choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a jug of boiling water down their throat and presto! The blockage is almost instantly removed.
* Add more traction to your tires by attaching a roll of double sided tape infront of each tire and sticking the end to the tire. The tires will automaticly wind the tape around them as they roll.
* Save time in the morning by washing your teeth and face at the same time. Just add liquid soap to your tooth paste.
* Save money by renumbering the days on old calanders.
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