Lil bored.

[Kayla90]

Originally Posted by ZARADOZIA

Marriage is scary, Especially when your family isn’t on board and giving you healthy positive advice.

My husband and I are each other’s 2nd marriage. When I was ready to get married I asked my husband to marry me, but he wasn’t ready so he said, “Yes, but not right now.” Four years later he was ready but I wasn’t and when he asked me I said, “Yes, but not right now.” We had been together 7 years at this point.

On our 10th year, July 2009 I had a meltdown and left. We had zero contact for 6-7 months and then out of the blue in Feb 2010, he emails me asking how I am doing. We started talking, then started talking about all the things we broke in our relationship. We both agreed we could not fix it, too much damage was done, but we could start over. And that is exactly what we did. We started dating, and talking, the whole nine yards.

I kept a separate residence until July 2010 and we only saw each other on the weekends because I lived 2 hours away from him. Then, March 2011, on our 12th anniversary, we were finally both ready to get married. Somehow we survived all the bad stuff and it made us better. I am more verbal now days and when he does something to make me mad, I tell him instead of letting it simmer. He is more considerate and not as selfish. We both spend as much time with each other as we can but both give the other their own space to do their own thing.

Now that's a relationship worth having! The most key part in ANYTHING is communication and there are so very few people open to talking about the things that gone on inside their heads. I know one of our problems is communication. Well was. We definitely don't understand each other, both our minds are so different from each others, we see things so opposite and understand things so differently. We talk a lot more but there is still such a huge gap in understanding between us. We spend the majority of our time fighting and while we never go to sleep angry at each other, and ever fight makes one smaller thing clear to either of us, it's still really a waste of time. It'd be nicer if we could spend more of our time getting along.

[KORBIN5895]

Originally Posted by millertime89

just cuz most guys are afraid of commitment doesn't mean we all are.
That said, right now, I'm terrified of it. So many plans.

This sums it up nicely. Commitment means letting go of your plans and making new plans with the person your committed to. There are things I may never do again because I have committed myself to my wife. I wished I lived.in the states but I gladly give it up to be with my wife. I could move back to the states. What's really keeping me here? My decision to love my my is more important to me than petty desires. When you find the person that makes you feel that way you won't be scared anymore. Right Stephan?

[ZARADOZIA]

Originally Posted by Kayla90

Now that's a relationship worth having! The most key part in ANYTHING is communication and there are so very few people open to talking about the things that gone on inside their heads. I know one of our problems is communication. Well was. We definitely don't understand each other, both our minds are so different from each others, we see things so opposite and understand things so differently. We talk a lot more but there is still such a huge gap in understanding between us. We spend the majority of our time fighting and while we never go to sleep angry at each other, and ever fight makes one smaller thing clear to either of us, it's still really a waste of time. It'd be nicer if we could spend more of our time getting along.

The trick I learned when my husband and I don't understand each other is to ask questions. He will say something and I will take it wrong, but instead of getting mad, I ask him, "what exactly do you mean, because this is how I interpretted it/understood it...." and then he will correct my understanding using different words so I understand what he means instead of what I interpret.

I say exactly what I mean, blunt and honest, and he has learned that reading between the lines is the biggest mistake you can make with me. I do not leave room inbetween the lines, I say what I mean and I mean what I say. My biggest fault is that I am too literal and many people take that as me being a smartarse/rude/disrespectful.

Perfect example, this happened this week. We have decided to adopt the foster kitten we are caring for. The paperwork reads,

Please list all pets you have owned in the past 3 years:
Breed....Sex....age....spay/neutered Where is it now?

I listed my 3 cats and for the question "where is it now?" I put, "Bedroom, Couch, Bedroom." It wasn't until after the fact that I realized how smart alec it sounded, so I quickly wrote, "My home." But my answers were literal and honest, although "normal" people don't see it that way.

You need to learn HOW the other person communicates and HOW you communicate, then work together learning how to understand each other. It took my husband about 8 years to finally understand that although what I say may come out wrong, it doesn't mean that I meant it to be negative. I can't help that I say the truth. That's why the truth hurts, because it is always taken negatively instead of at face value.

My friend asked me one night before we were getting ready to go out, "How do I look." I answered her honestly and told her the shirt she had on made her look like and old lady. She got mad at first because it hurt her feelings, but she got over it and we went upstairs and picked a shirt that was more flattering to her.

I value honesty. My husband values understanding. Together we ask a lot of questions before we get pissed, jsut to make sure we are getting pissed for a good reason...lol

[Norm66]

This thread has detoured, but it's cool.

My wife and I have been together for 12 years, living together for 10 1/2 years and married for 6 years as of last October. Scared of commitment? You bet I was. In 12th grade my psychology teacher told us that most people got married not to their soul-mate or whatever but to whoever they were dating when they decided it was time to get married. That's why there were so many divorces.

I was determined not to live up to that and I believe in my heart that I didn't. My wife and I are a great, but not perfect (what fun would that be?), match . We never fight, rarely a harsh word is spoken between us and though we've had our tense moments I have to say that communication is totally the key to understanding. Learning to communicate has been very difficult for me, but it's been worth the effort.

The other thing we've learned is not to let things fester. If something is bothering me you bet your bottom dollar I'm going to tell her and vice-versa. It's tons better that way.

Marriage is great, it's the best thing I've ever done. It requires work, but everything worthwhile does.

[Lankyrob]

Marriage is fantastic - with the right person!!

I was afraid after my accident that being together 24hours a day would ruin the relationship between me and wifey as there is no "escape". In fact it just brought us closer together.

The one rule we have and always will live by is to not go to bed on an argument - when something starts to flare up (which it inevitably does in any relationship) then i leave the house for ten minutes and then when i come back we sit down and talk.

We are similar to Zaradozia - i say what i mean - straight and honest and deal with the consequences. If i am asked a question i answer it even if the answer will upset the person - i would much rather upset them now and deal with it than lie and get found out at a later date when the issue is them MUCH worse. Wifey suffers with depression and tends to read between the lines when things are said to her be anyone - i usually end up being her logical compass to keep things from getting out of hand.

[shaunyboy]

Originally Posted by millertime89

just cuz most guys are afraid of commitment doesn't mean we all are.
That said, right now, I'm terrified of it. So many plans.

its not that scary mate

i was 15,my wife 14,when we first met and went out with each other back in 1982 (29 years together,married for 23 years )

best thing i ever did was marry her

dread to think where i'd be right now without a good woman behind me

so it don't need to be a scary experience

trust and honesty is the way to go,my wife and i are best friends,lovers and soulmates (we're still going through our honeymoon period 29 years later)

cheers shaun

[stephanbakir]

It will be a scary thing for me for a long time, I was engaged for 6 months when Lacy died, pretty much on my birthday. Not something I ever want to go through again.
I'm more or less over it now but it still gets me every once in a while...

[Kayla90]

Originally Posted by ZARADOZIA

The trick I learned when my husband and I don't understand each other is to ask questions. He will say something and I will take it wrong, but instead of getting mad, I ask him, "what exactly do you mean, because this is how I interpretted it/understood it...." and then he will correct my understanding using different words so I understand what he means instead of what I interpret.

I say exactly what I mean, blunt and honest, and he has learned that reading between the lines is the biggest mistake you can make with me. I do not leave room inbetween the lines, I say what I mean and I mean what I say. My biggest fault is that I am too literal and many people take that as me being a smartarse/rude/disrespectful.

Perfect example, this happened this week. We have decided to adopt the foster kitten we are caring for. The paperwork reads,

Please list all pets you have owned in the past 3 years:
Breed....Sex....age....spay/neutered Where is it now?

I listed my 3 cats and for the question "where is it now?" I put, "Bedroom, Couch, Bedroom." It wasn't until after the fact that I realized how smart alec it sounded, so I quickly wrote, "My home." But my answers were literal and honest, although "normal" people don't see it that way.

You need to learn HOW the other person communicates and HOW you communicate, then work together learning how to understand each other. It took my husband about 8 years to finally understand that although what I say may come out wrong, it doesn't mean that I meant it to be negative. I can't help that I say the truth. That's why the truth hurts, because it is always taken negatively instead of at face value.

My friend asked me one night before we were getting ready to go out, "How do I look." I answered her honestly and told her the shirt she had on made her look like and old lady. She got mad at first because it hurt her feelings, but she got over it and we went upstairs and picked a shirt that was more flattering to her.

I value honesty. My husband values understanding. Together we ask a lot of questions before we get pissed, jsut to make sure we are getting pissed for a good reason...lol

I find I don't have all the proper words. I say things I mean 100% but most people tend to misunderstand me just because of the fact that what I'm saying.. isn't all together what I mean??
All my friends are honest with each other, well they are with me anyways. They know I'm not afraid to be told the truth, they know that if I say something and it comes out harsh it probably wasn't meant that way.

With Stephan, he's got so much knowledge that he indeed does say things EXACTLY as he means them, but because I'm so use to having to read between everyone's lines, and trying to figure out the right words for myself.. sometimes when he says things it just comes out worse than if he was your average person.

I'll say things to him and he'll take it wrong.. and as I try to explain it out to him, he'll look at me and just be like, " You didn't say that at all???"

Oyyyy to be me is sooo confusing. My sister is like steph, very knowledgeable, and too this day due to miscommunications like that we STILL get into minor fights from time to time. It's always been hard for me to find the proper exact words to say exactly what I mean, but the fact is, I do my absolute best to say it the closest I know how.

[Kayla90]

Originally Posted by Lankyrob

The one rule we have and always will live by is to not go to bed on an argument - when something starts to flare up (which it inevitably does in any relationship)

While I can't say Steph and I are exactly in a "relationship" I have found that from the very first day, we've never gone to bed angry at each other. At first I would always go to the bedroom and be angry in there, that's how I dealt with stuff growing up, but steph was different from everyone I ever knew. He came to me! Not understanding WHY I was angry. (And I guess that's a bit of the reason I always forgive him SO easily, because sometimes he honestly genuinely doesn't understand why I get mad) And from then he's made it easier and easier for me to open up even when I'm scared.

[Lankyrob]

Originally Posted by Kayla90

While I can't say Steph and I are exactly in a "relationship" I have found that from the very first day, we've never gone to bed angry at each other. At first I would always go to the bedroom and be angry in there, that's how I dealt with stuff growing up, but steph was different from everyone I ever knew. He came to me! Not understanding WHY I was angry. (And I guess that's a bit of the reason I always forgive him SO easily, because sometimes he honestly genuinely doesn't understand why I get mad) And from then he's made it easier and easier for me to open up even when I'm scared.

The last 5 years have been the scariest times of my life so far - having someone to discuss with openly those fears has kept me sane. To my mind this sort of "relationship" is more important than any of the feeling you get from looks/sexual attraction. As the years roll on the looks can fade but the emotional attachment just gets stronger and stronger.

[ZARADOZIA]

Originally Posted by Kayla90

I find I don't have all the proper words. I say things I mean 100% but most people tend to misunderstand me just because of the fact that what I'm saying.. isn't all together what I mean??

… It's always been hard for me to find the proper exact words to say exactly what I mean, but the fact is, I do my absolute best to say it the closest I know how.

I know exactly what you mean, there are times when I am unable to put words to my emotions and on days like that I tell my hubby, “I need some time because I don’t know how to say what I feel.” And he likes that reply 100% better than me saying “nothing.” It is easier to speak truthfully and if you don’t know how to say something, tell the person you need time to think it through before you try and talk about it. Now days I don’t have that problem as often as I did when I was your age. But I have 14 years on you and have had more time to learn how to convey myself.

In general, 98% of people take what I say the wrong way. But that’s not my fault. The 2% that know me has learned to ask me to elaborate before they get pissed or they know what I mean from the start. That’s why my favorite saying is, “I am only responsible for what I say, NOT for what you understand.”

Over the years I have gotten to the point that if someone wants to take what I say negatively, more power to them, I am not going to try to change their mind if they are dead set on misinterpreting what I say. Some are unable/unwilling to give me the benefit of the doubt concerning my words. I am of a mind that it’s not my problem when someone decides to take what I say negatively instead of asking first if I meant it negatively. I am not going to stress myself out over it.

Originally Posted by Kayla90

While I can't say Steph and I are exactly in a "relationship" I have found that from the very first day, we've never gone to bed angry at each other. At first I would always go to the bedroom and be angry in there, that's how I dealt with stuff growing up, but steph was different from everyone I ever knew. He came to me! Not understanding WHY I was angry. (And I guess that's a bit of the reason I always forgive him SO easily, because sometimes he honestly genuinely doesn't understand why I get mad) And from then he's made it easier and easier for me to open up even when I'm scared.

Umm..sweety..if you are sharing the same bed (Clothing optional)…it’s safe to say you are in a relationship. Hate to be the bearer of truth…but there ya have it. **Giggling**

It’s hard to learn how to communicate when you are taught from a young age that you are not allowed to speak, not allowed to have an opinion, not allowed to have a disagreeing thought, and are forced to keep all emotions bottled up because what you want/need does NOT matter. This is/was my biggest problem and breaking those habits was not easy. Now I am “old enough” that I say exactly what is on my mind and deal with the fall out after. Those that love ME (for who I am) understand that I NEVER mean anything I say negatively…it’s pretty much from one extreme to the other..I do not know how to be tactful/gentle. I just open mouth and insert foot…all the way to the hip. At the same time, I will apologize in a heartbeat if I hurt someone’s feelings because I never mean to do that.

Originally Posted by Lankyrob

The last 5 years have been the scariest times of my life so far - having someone to discuss with openly those fears has kept me sane. To my mind this sort of "relationship" is more important than any of the feeling you get from looks/sexual attraction. As the years roll on the looks can fade but the emotional attachment just gets stronger and stronger.

You are 100% correct. Michael, (my husband) is the only man I have ever opened up to. And it’s the fact that I can tell him ANYTHING that I am thinking, regardless of how it may come out, that I find so incredibly sexy about him. Granted, He is a handsome man to begin with, but being able to talk to him about anything, my crazy dreams, wild fantasies, dreams of the future, is what has bonded me to him. It is a very secure and safe feeling to know that I can just say what is on my mind and he will listen. We spend at least 2 hours every day just talking. It may not sound like much but when you factor in he works 12 hours days, I am grateful we get 2 hours to talk…

[KORBIN5895]

We have problems at my place because I filter everything and make it sweeter...... until I get tired then I am unable to filter period. That is when I get myself into the most trouble because I don't think about what I am really saying.

[Gungirl]

I am lucky in that I married my best friend. He loves my son just like he would love his own child. We are newly weds still and I don't see the honey moon phase ever ending. We talk about everything. We share hobbies but yet we still have our own time apart. I think that if you can talk to each other about anything and stay calm you will make it. We have been together for 3yrs and have never got into an argument. I don't even recall a bicker? I knew within 3 months of meeting him that this is what I wanted. I moved out of state, gave up my house and my job after only dating for 6 months to be with him. I will never regret that. <3

[Lankyrob]

Kat - please dont take this as aimed at you but you triggered something in my mind.

Not arguing is great - as long as it TRULY means that there is no niggles in the relationship. I have had friends that seem to have perfect relationships but because they couldn't air the "niggles" over time they grow and fester and become major issues.

An example - a couple split because when he shaved he left stubble clippings in the sink - now this obviously wasnt the whole problem with the relationship but when we talked to the female in question that was the main thing that she quoted and the reason was that every day it wound her up - but because she never told him he didnt change and because it kept happening she couldnt get over it.

"If you always do what you always did, then you will always get what you always got"

If something winds you up, annoys you, you dont like then if you dont tell the person they will always continue to do it until the relationship falls apart.

Some couples dont argue, dont bicker and live long healthy lifes together. We have never had a big argument but i believe that is because when little things come up we sort it out then and there.

[Gungirl]

Oh I agree Rob and I should have stated that we are able to talk out any and all situations while being fully honest. We just understand each other in a manner I don't think most people do. If we have any kind of issue it is discussed and taken care of. I refuse to let things build up.