How to deal with disapproving family?

[dinosaurdammit]

So my nana came to visit for christmas. I thought everything would be great but from the moment she got here she downed me for EVERYTHING, mostly for my pets. I had to bring my female boa home because my friend had to come home, clean and I would be able to return athena the next morning after the fumes settled. Well we kept her in our bedroom which we always shut, somehow my husband left it open and she saw the snake. I should probably mention she hates just about everything but reptiles are at the top.

From the moment she got here she would just hawk eye my failures. I would try and try and try to please her and just fall flat on my face in a pile of horse manure. It made me feel awful. My husband was busting me too because he gets uneasy with her around as she is hyper critical down to how I parent my kid.

She started crying and making a huge fuss which got me all upset, i was shaking and crying and snot came out of my nose like a banana slug after a good rain. She basically gave me the ultimatum of "Get rid of the lizards or I wont come visit".

Now I love my nana, more than you know. This woman adopted me when no one else would and gave me a good life, although overly strict and a killjoy. She always bust me on EVERYTHING and always reminds me that I never live up to "how she tried to raise me".

I am already heartbroken about my female boa, watching her act the way she does is heartbreaking and the vet is still unsure whats going on. I tried to explain to her that reptiles make me happy and I enjoy keeping them as its so rewarding. She will have none of it. So much so she actually left. Like got up and had me take her to the airport and left. This is just- ugh- I honestly dont know what to think.

I have never had anyone give me such ultimatums and I feel it is WRONG of her to do that to me. I never go to her house and tell her how to run things and while I understand she might not like reptiles am I wrong for feeling conflicted? Has any one of you ever had to deal with family giving you grief over your hobby- you know what, reptiles are not my hobby, they are my passion. I swore to myself when I got my own house and money I would have as many as I could afford.

How do I go about telling her that while I respect that she doesnt like reptiles maybe she should reconsider trying to give me ultimatums on my pets? I suck at confrontation, I usually end up just folding like a soggy deck of cards. I mean I am an adult in my own house but maybe she is right somehow. She did raise me but at what point should she not have a say in how I live my life?

[EmbraceCalamity]

Tell her to suck it. You're an adult. It's your place, your money, your choices, and your passion. She has no room to bitch about anything in your house. And if she really hates it that much, then she doesn't have to be there. You can visit other places. She can get a hotel room, and you can do things outside of your house.

Frankly, I wouldn't be half as nice to her as you are. I'd tell her to get the hell out of the house and not bother coming back until she can accept who you are. Gotta stand up for yourself sometimes.

~Maggot

[dinosaurdammit]

Originally Posted by EmbraceCalamity

Tell her to suck it. You're an adult. It's your place, your money, your choices, and your passion. She has no room to bitch about anything in your house. And if she really hates it that much, then she doesn't have to be there. You can visit other places. She can get a hotel room, and you can do things outside of your house.

Frankly, I wouldn't be half as nice to her as you are. I'd tell her to get the hell out of the house and not bother coming back until she can accept who you are. Gotta stand up for yourself sometimes.

~Maggot

See and the thing is i do want to stand up so badly but she throws the card out "Ive had a difficult life" and the "you are all I have left" card and it really just about "puts me in my place".

[EmbraceCalamity]

Originally Posted by dinosaurdammit

See and the thing is i do want to stand up so badly but she throws the card out "Ive had a difficult life" and the "you are all I have left" card and it really just about "puts me in my place".

Typical passive-aggressive self-victimization technique. My mom does that **** too, but I'm not as nice a person as you and stopped tolerating/falling for it. Unfortunately, there's no rationalising or compromising with people like that. But that's her problem, not yours.

~Maggot

[dinosaurdammit]

Originally Posted by EmbraceCalamity

Typical passive-aggressive self-victimization technique. My mom does that **** too, but I'm not as nice a person as you and stopped tolerating/falling for it. Unfortunately, there's no rationalising or compromising with people like that. But that's her problem, not yours.

~Maggot

Its just hard to deal with because she did raise me adn give me a chance when no one else would. I almost feel like I am indebted to her and add on to the fact I am her granddaughter who had a child that is her great grandchild and she wants to see her a lot, but the problem is that she isnt ever happy to see me just my kid, which I sort of get but I dont feel like she much cares for me anymore. Add that with my pets and she makes it downright unpleasant

[EmbraceCalamity]

Originally Posted by dinosaurdammit

Its just hard to deal with because she did raise me adn give me a chance when no one else would. I almost feel like I am indebted to her and add on to the fact I am her granddaughter who had a child that is her great grandchild and she wants to see her a lot, but the problem is that she isnt ever happy to see me just my kid, which I sort of get but I dont feel like she much cares for me anymore. Add that with my pets and she makes it downright unpleasant

You can be appreciative of that without being a victim to her.

Originally Posted by Jay

Nice to see somone with morals. Maggot, believe it or not some people still respect their elders.

Can you go to her house to visit?

Eh. I don't personally believe that age gives one a free pass to treat people like crap or get respect when they don't deserve it. My morals are different than yours; doesn't mean I don't have them.

~Maggot

[Jay]

Nice to see somone with morals. Maggot, believe it or not some people still respect their elders.

Can you go to her house to visit?

[dinosaurdammit]

Originally Posted by Jay

Nice to see somone with morals. Maggot, believe it or not some people still respect their elders.

Can you go to her house to visit?

I guess its how I was raised deep south. Respect your elders no matter what. It doesnt mean you cannot disagree or be upset with it but basically it boils down to bite your tongue and eat crap with a smile. I dont like ti but its been instilled so hard in me I cant do differently.

[EmbraceCalamity]

Originally Posted by dinosaurdammit

I guess its how I was raised deep south. Respect your elders no matter what. It doesnt mean you cannot disagree or be upset with it but basically it boils down to bite your tongue and eat crap with a smile. I dont like ti but its been instilled so hard in me I cant do differently.

And just accept being treated like **** by her? Well, that's your choice, I guess. I wish people would be more willing to question what they were indoctrinated with as children.

~Maggot

[dinosaurdammit]

Originally Posted by EmbraceCalamity

And just accept being treated like **** by her? Well, that's your choice, I guess. I wish people would be more willing to question what they were indoctrinated with as children.

~Maggot

For you it seems so easy to just stand up and frill like an alstralian outback crazed lizard but for me its just so hard to go against anything she says. Sure I feel like tis wrong and i dont always agree but I guess the logic behind it is "she wont be here forever" and to be honest, when she dies, I will have no one other than my husband. My mother is dead, dad isnt around grandparents are all dead but her. Its just hard to fight with the last remaining family member I have.

[EmbraceCalamity]

Originally Posted by dinosaurdammit

For you it seems so easy to just stand up and frill like an alstralian outback crazed lizard but for me its just so hard to go against anything she says. Sure I feel like tis wrong and i dont always agree but I guess the logic behind it is "she wont be here forever" and to be honest, when she dies, I will have no one other than my husband. My mother is dead, dad isnt around grandparents are all dead but her. Its just hard to fight with the last remaining family member I have.

I'm a crazed Aussie lizard? That's kind of cool. =o Like I said, it's your choice. You're free to do what you want. But you posted a thread asking for advice on how to deal with it.

~Maggot

[Wildside]

Originally Posted by dinosaurdammit

For you it seems so easy to just stand up and frill like an alstralian outback crazed lizard but for me its just so hard to go against anything she says. Sure I feel like tis wrong and i dont always agree but I guess the logic behind it is "she wont be here forever" and to be honest, when she dies, I will have no one other than my husband. My mother is dead, dad isnt around grandparents are all dead but her. Its just hard to fight with the last remaining family member I have.

Obviously she wanted a fight Darlin'. You say she downed you for everything before she saw Athena and she plays the hard life card. She's feeding off the guilt she creates in you. A lot of times people who have had "hard lives" are broken like that. There's no point in confronting her about it you'll just need to learn how to take it with a grain of salt and be glad she doesn't live near enough to make you real miserable.

[shaunyboy]

Originally Posted by dinosaurdammit

I guess its how I was raised deep south. Respect your elders no matter what. It doesnt mean you cannot disagree or be upset with it but basically it boils down to bite your tongue and eat crap with a smile. I dont like ti but its been instilled so hard in me I cant do differently.

i know how you feel pal,i have a 73 year old father who is just like your gran...

i could have been the first man on the moon and he would say.....

what took you so bloody long to get there,nothing i did/do is ever good enough

in the end after years and years of us not getting on,i decided to write him a letter (summertime this year),i gave the letter to my mum,who handed it to my dad as he was heading to bed...

re letter
with a letter they will sit and read it,time and time again if needed,but since your not there and its only paper,they have nothing to kick off at...

i was honest and to the point with my dad,and for now he seems to have mellowed,so writing down how you feel and explaining why you hurt,may be a way of getting through to her...

i told my dad that i understand we're from different generations,and i was grateful for my upbringing,and that i understood why he was how he is,but i would never be like him,and we are 2 completely different types of human being,and if i can respect him for who he is,then surely he can do the same when it comes to me

my father never spoke of my letter,not even to my mum,but she said the next day after giving it to him,she felt he had changed a little...

theres nothing worse than someone you love crapping all over you,so i hope you get things sorted out with your gran.....

all that said,you cannot let them constantly tare lumps out you...

you need to fix it,or no matter how hard it is...walk away before it tares you apart

all the best,shaun

[BarelyBreathing]

Tell her that next time you would love to spend time with her over at her home (or a restaurant, or a museum, etc etc).

[EmbraceCalamity]

Originally Posted by BarelyBreathing

Tell her that next time you would love to spend time with her over at her home (or a restaurant, or a museum, etc etc).

I think she's from out of the area, hence my suggestion about the hotel room and spending time outside of the house. That's what I got, anyway. I think that would be the most reasonable solution to the problem.

~Maggot