You might be a herper if . . .

[Steeve B]

Courtesy of W. Bryan Jennings
Department of zoology
University of Texas



1. your snakes are having a better sex life than you and you're happy about it! ! !
2. you have way more pillowcases than you have pillows.
3. you tell the salesperson at the pet-store you won't be needing the seven day health guarantee on the mouse you just bought.
4. your best friends cat died and you wonder if you can have the body.
5. you name your rodents things like breakfast, lunch and dinner.
6. you tell yourself you don't look stupid while flipping rotted boards for snakes on the side of the road while people are watching you.
7. people come to your house and ask what is that smell'?" and you say „ what smell?".
8. you spend countless hours inventing stupid things like this.
9. you warm your leftovers up on heat tape.
10. you pretend that there is really a good reason ~-h~- you look under boards along the side of the road.
11. you're chickless.
12. you drive around on recycling day looking for the biggest piles of newspaper to steal and feel guilty when people look out their windows and pity you.
13. your girlfriend gets mad at you because you spend way too much time in the rubbermaid container section dreaming of ways to use them and you give her a 2 minute time limit to try on new clothes to buy.
14. you can go into a person's house and pinpoint the exact location of a decaying mouse.
15. you find a dead mouse in the bottom of a mayonaise jar that your friend planted there and you laugh while eating your tuna fish sandwich.
16. you do your best to give the guy wearing snake skin boots your dirtiest look and wondering if you could get off on just manslaughter.
17. you can speak Latin well without ever taking a formal course.
18. you buy card loads of bark mulch but care less about landscaping.
19. you want world peace, to save the environment, a cure for aids and a better way to kill mites.
20. your neighbours watch your house closely during hatching season when they see people entering empty handed and leaving with small boxes and then report you to the police as a drug dealer!!!
21. People ask you to pack the truck when they move because YOU have the uncanny ability to fit more fish tanks and sweater boxes into the smallest space available:
22. you can get to the center of the newspaper on the first try.
23. there is always still enough room on your credit card to buy another herp, but you ignore your bills.
24. you are foolish enough to do this as a business and actually thought you might make a living at it.
25. People spend big bucks to get rid of rats & mice and you spend bigger bucks breeding them.
26. your friend's with a guy who owns a large reptile facility and you invest alI of your spare time trying to help him keep it going.
27. there is always still room to set up yet another cage for your next herp.
28. you stop in a pet store just to look at the reps and end up buying a fake plant for a buck so you don't look stupid.
29. you spent your last dollar on a reptile book and you don't get paid for another week.
30. you drive an hour to a zoo just to visit the reps and buy a rep shirt to wear tomorrow.
31. your freezer contains more dead mice then ice cream.
32. you buy 100W bulbs by the case.

[Tim_Cranwill]

Very true:)

[Linds]

LOL! :p

[Lisa]

33. You leave your carpet python basking on the dash of your car as a theft deterant
34. If you have an empty tank you start shopping for a new herp.
35. You can't have any furry pets because you have a free roaming bumese python.
36. Your friends are afraid to visit because your Nile Monitor will eat them.
37. Your mom won't visit because you have a mouse breeding colony in your dining room and snakes in your living room.

[asphyxia]

38. you search high and low in the middle of the winter for the right type of dirt for a monitor... again and again..

wow I really am in need of a life, no wonder my family thinks I nuts
I've done almost all of the above....and am PROUD of it

Brian

[beth wallbank]

39. You give your spouse heck for wanting to drive half an hour out of the way to find a better shopping area but you are able to drive clear across the country without hesitation for a herp show.

40. You open your fridge and cupboards to find a snack for when visitors decide to appear and all you have to offer them is jarred baby food, romaine lettuce and thawed mice and mealies.

41. Your spouse spending $40 on a new tool for work but you spend the next mortgage payment on a herp without a worry in the world.

42. You can name each hatch date of each of your herps, when they have eaten, shed and pooped last, but have to actually think about what date your kids were born on and haven't the slightest idea what they weighed at birth.

OMG!!! Now that I think about each and everyone of these points, and I am guilty of all of them.......is there a herpsanonymous?........

[honduranfreekk]

Now all of that is just sooooooooooo true hahaha lmao :) :) addiction,s gotta love em lol :) :)

[Jeromerules]

Hehehe Those are hilarious. Good points too

[Clownfishie]

LOL... many of those hit far too close to home ;)

[asphyxia]

43. Crickets. Crickets. Crickets. everywhere...and it does not matter!

[Lisa]

44. When your reticulated escapes you have to do a head count of the fury animals to see if it will need feeding later that week.

[Aaron_S]

Wow thats all true

[KrokadilyanGuy3]

....45. Your grandmother walks in from the kitchen and says, "Should I help you catch that Gator?"

[Kyle Barker]

Those are pretty damn funny, and true. It makes me fell bad now, i really pitty the family.

[andrea]

46. your neighbor calls you to the fence to see his new puppy and you think "Mmmmmm......almost a good sized meal for my burm."

[andrea]

Originally posted by KrokadilyanGuy3


....45. Your grandmother walks in from the kitchen and says, "Should I help you catch that Gator?"



no, that is if you live here in louisiana ;) hehehe

[Dom]

47. you see any furry animal as snake food
48. you threw out your bed in order to make more room for cages
49. you see anything in stores as somewhat usefull in a snake cage

[Steeve B]

47 you keep your apartment at a constant 85F, with lights pointed at the couch to make a 95F basking spot.
48. you sex fruit flies when you're at a grocery store.
49. upon seeing the Vanity Fair issue with the picture of Cindy
Crawford, naked, with a boa constrictor around her and the first reaction of my herper friends was „Nice looking snake, distinct markings...must be a boa constrictor constrictor...looks like a Surinam."
50. you see someone walking their Chihuahua or Yorkshire and think „hmm...snake food."
51. your friends need to pull out at least three guinea pigs from the fridge to find the salami.
52. you go through the store checkout with 18 différent fruits and veggies (none of which you plan to eat)?
53. you judge the quality of a garage sale by the potential herp housing units for sale.
54. you get regular shipments of thousands of live crickets and your postman just rings the doorbell, drops the box and runs;
55. everyone you know says „`Vhy ON EARTH do you want to go to ORLANDO in AUGUST every year??"
56. your husband tiptoes in to check on the baby Northern Blue Tongues every night just to „see how cute they are sleeping."
57. you get a sunburn and worry that your shed isn't coming off in one piece.
58. you've sold your soul to your produce manager in exchange or dandelion greens. 45. you sleep on the couch, but have a lovely reptile setup in the bedroom.
59. you've said „Are aquariums all right?" to a prospective landlord and own no fish.
60. you evaluate potential apartments/townhouses by the location of the electrical sockets, and the how easily the second bedroom can accommodate all of your turtle tanks.
61. you have 27 bowls marked „dog" or „kitty" and no dogs or cats.
62. you ask the local drug store for a No-Pest „fly" Strip in January.
63. you've every microwave cooked a Cup O'Noodle and defrosted a mouse at the same time.
64. you've got in trouble from your girlfriend for looking at the free kitten adds with a gleam in your eye. (just kidding)
65. you have a well stocked medicine cabinet but none of its for you.
66. the Delta Cargo people recognize you on sight
67. you've ever told you apartment manager that you'll be able to pay your rent after the eggs hatch .
68. your wrists are so criss-crossed with scratches that people think you're just really bad at trying to HI yourself .
69. you tell people on the phone,, I can't talk now, I've got a lizard on my head."
70. you're lulled into a deep sleep by the melodic chirp of crickets, even though you live in a high rise.
71. redecorating the house means finding a way to squeeze in another aquarium.
72. you don't take vitamins but all your herps do. .
73. you lie awake at night trying to figure out why your crickets aren't reproducing.
74. someone at the emergency vet leans over and asks you if your animal is real.
75. you know the calcium-to-phosphorous ratios of common vegetables without looking them up.
76. you consider collard greens, dandelion greens, parsnips, mustard green, and escarole to be common vegetables.
77. you keep insisting to your spouse that the trio of Brazilian rainbow boas you just brought home only cost 45 dollars

[beth wallbank]

78. when you are able to convert old furniture into herp cages without spending a ton of money
79. your kids teacher is suspiciously away ill everytime it's your kids show and tell day.
80. you can meticulously probe a snake in seconds but tear each and every condom you attempt to put on ..
81. you know what is on the nature channel for the entire week and cancel Friday night out with the guys to watch a rattle snake rerun
82. when you visit someones house and go dumpster diving in thier bathroom trash can for toilet paper rolls for baby snake hides
83. when you're invited to a formal wear dinner party, and you show up in a newly purchased snake t shirt.
84. you know how to convert your grandmas crochet hooks into snake probes
85. when your neighbours catch you on a daily basis crawling on your hands and knees around thier front lawns collecting dandelion leaves for your herps.
86. the cops have raided your house on more than one occasion for having a grow op because of your electrical bill
87. you are asked to see photos of your family in your wallet and all you have to share are snake pictures and a neatly folded up piece of snake shed.

[vincenzo]

that is too funny i personally don't have much too add:)

[Dom]

I say # 80 Takes the cake lol!!!!!!

[Steeve B]

Oh my god, aim so sorry to have started this tread, we really need a therapy forum.
I feel much better Now that I know my problem, well got to go I have some cages to clean.

[andrea]

******79. your kids teacher is suspiciously away ill everytime it's your kids show and tell day.*******


i can SOOOOOO relate to that lol

[Edwin]

lol

[Nanashi04]

heheh!
those are the best... I agree, #80 is great.

[V.aw]

Dont know what number its at.. Haven't read everything but. heres a couple more.

You look at every piece of furniture and see a possible enclosure!
You buy lice removers and get wierd looks at the drug store

[norman]

90. your home has wire mesh covering any tight dark place,such as the hole in the wall and that damn space between the floor and the fridge!

[J.J.]

91. Everytime you are driving with your friends you tell them you need to stop home to get somthing before you go to thier house, and you end up staying at your house for an hour showing them your snake hunting and eating and give them a demonstration and explain everything that is happening as you watch your snake hunt.

I had to put that on here, I sware I have given all my family mebers a "snake feeding" demonstration! lol

[Alicewave]

92: You tell your significant other "Suuuuure, we can have kids. Somebody's gotta clean all the reptile cages"

[silke]

OMG
i started doing a list of the ones that apply in particular but when i got to 47-77 I gave up because they are ALL true
I am so glad i'm not the only one out of controll
hot apartment...sleeping to the sound of chirping crix...more mice than people food in the freezer... people in the grocery store commenting on how healthy i eat (from all the greens i buy) and then going all bug-eyed when i say it's for my lizards...ooo and aaaahhing over how cute my ig is as he sleeps....68 DEFINITELY, 69, 71, 75

damn i did it anyways....

[Steeve B]

Don’t worry professor H.G.Horn sent me the original tread 3 pages
He’s the first to admit it’s a disease but he also says this disease cures many others less fulfilling ones. Cheers

[jason h]

93 you stock up on back pills because your going to have to move your snake out to clean the cage that week.
94 you buy a second freezer because your wife is tired of digging through frozen rabbits to get to hot dogs.
95 you refer to your kids as a clutch.

[andrea]

96 you refer to your spouse as a mate

[Alicewave]

97. You refer to Renee as Gravid. ;)

(Come on kids we can get to 100!!!)

[Lisa]

98. you aren't interested in talking to people unless they have a herp.
99. if you do end up talking to a person that doesn't have a herp you try to convince them to get a snake. (Shane when are you getting a snake?)

[Pythonian]

100: Your room floor is covered in "little critter keepers" with nothing but rat feces in them.

Mike

[beth wallbank]

dang........missed 100.....
when it takes you 45 minutes for your wife to wake you as she has gone into labour, but if a friend calls and snakes are pipping, you are up and out the door in less than two minutes.

[Gorelith]

102. You can say you've eaten dinner with a savanna monitor.

[Jazzey]

LOL!
Jazzey:p

[jason h]

103 you look at your spouse as a breeding project
104 your furniture has locks and heaters

[Lisa]

lol I want a "coffee table" enclosure. sigh, one day... Hmmm i might have the perfect thing to use for it....

Originally posted by jason h
103 you look at your spouse as a breeding project
104 your furniture has locks and heaters

[Phantom]

Lollll !!!WoW .... I'm glad I'm not alone in this!!!

Reading this makes me understand why I hear the word "freak" every time I pass by anyone who knows me!! loll!!

I have to admit #80 was a killer ... toooo funnny, but sooo true!!!! lollll !!!!


Phantom

[Steeve B]

105.You tell your snake she’s ‘sexy, more often then your girlfriend.
106.You find «tongue flicking» an attractive attribute in persons of the opposite sex.

[brig]

107. Your parents/in-laws have accepted that the only grandchildren they will have are covered in scales - AND are always eager to see photos of the 'grandkids', and tell all their friends about them!!!

[silke]

aw brig...i wish
my folks are still hoping for a human grandchild
i can't even tell them i have snakes...my mom thinks i'm crazy enough for having lizards....if she knew about snakes she might just keel over

[beth wallbank]

hahaha.......my parents gave up eons ago.....they ask now anything new hatching?
108. when you go into a deli section of a supermarket and try to figure out a scam to get some free delis with lids....not that i would know....heehee

[J.J.]

109. Your family is getting/has a restraining order on you because everything on this list is true about you!

[Steeve B]

Don’t wary there must be a few attorneys that just happen to be herpers. Come to think of it IV never seen one hum, guess your on your own! lol

[dlucka]

Wow now i feel better... I'm not the only one!!!:D

110 Your gf give you the choice her or a new snake... Then you choose the snake...