How to deal with disapproving family?

[dinosaurdammit]

So my nana came to visit for christmas. I thought everything would be great but from the moment she got here she downed me for EVERYTHING, mostly for my pets. I had to bring my female boa home because my friend had to come home, clean and I would be able to return athena the next morning after the fumes settled. Well we kept her in our bedroom which we always shut, somehow my husband left it open and she saw the snake. I should probably mention she hates just about everything but reptiles are at the top.

From the moment she got here she would just hawk eye my failures. I would try and try and try to please her and just fall flat on my face in a pile of horse manure. It made me feel awful. My husband was busting me too because he gets uneasy with her around as she is hyper critical down to how I parent my kid.

She started crying and making a huge fuss which got me all upset, i was shaking and crying and snot came out of my nose like a banana slug after a good rain. She basically gave me the ultimatum of "Get rid of the lizards or I wont come visit".

Now I love my nana, more than you know. This woman adopted me when no one else would and gave me a good life, although overly strict and a killjoy. She always bust me on EVERYTHING and always reminds me that I never live up to "how she tried to raise me".

I am already heartbroken about my female boa, watching her act the way she does is heartbreaking and the vet is still unsure whats going on. I tried to explain to her that reptiles make me happy and I enjoy keeping them as its so rewarding. She will have none of it. So much so she actually left. Like got up and had me take her to the airport and left. This is just- ugh- I honestly dont know what to think.

I have never had anyone give me such ultimatums and I feel it is WRONG of her to do that to me. I never go to her house and tell her how to run things and while I understand she might not like reptiles am I wrong for feeling conflicted? Has any one of you ever had to deal with family giving you grief over your hobby- you know what, reptiles are not my hobby, they are my passion. I swore to myself when I got my own house and money I would have as many as I could afford.

How do I go about telling her that while I respect that she doesnt like reptiles maybe she should reconsider trying to give me ultimatums on my pets? I suck at confrontation, I usually end up just folding like a soggy deck of cards. I mean I am an adult in my own house but maybe she is right somehow. She did raise me but at what point should she not have a say in how I live my life?

[EmbraceCalamity]

Tell her to suck it. You're an adult. It's your place, your money, your choices, and your passion. She has no room to bitch about anything in your house. And if she really hates it that much, then she doesn't have to be there. You can visit other places. She can get a hotel room, and you can do things outside of your house.

Frankly, I wouldn't be half as nice to her as you are. I'd tell her to get the hell out of the house and not bother coming back until she can accept who you are. Gotta stand up for yourself sometimes. ;)

~Maggot

[dinosaurdammit]

Tell her to suck it. You're an adult. It's your place, your money, your choices, and your passion. She has no room to bitch about anything in your house. And if she really hates it that much, then she doesn't have to be there. You can visit other places. She can get a hotel room, and you can do things outside of your house.

Frankly, I wouldn't be half as nice to her as you are. I'd tell her to get the hell out of the house and not bother coming back until she can accept who you are. Gotta stand up for yourself sometimes. ;)

~Maggot

See and the thing is i do want to stand up so badly but she throws the card out "Ive had a difficult life" and the "you are all I have left" card and it really just about "puts me in my place".

[EmbraceCalamity]

See and the thing is i do want to stand up so badly but she throws the card out "Ive had a difficult life" and the "you are all I have left" card and it really just about "puts me in my place".Typical passive-aggressive self-victimization technique. My mom does that **** too, but I'm not as nice a person as you and stopped tolerating/falling for it. Unfortunately, there's no rationalising or compromising with people like that. But that's her problem, not yours.

~Maggot

[dinosaurdammit]

Typical passive-aggressive self-victimization technique. My mom does that **** too, but I'm not as nice a person as you and stopped tolerating/falling for it. Unfortunately, there's no rationalising or compromising with people like that. But that's her problem, not yours.

~Maggot

Its just hard to deal with because she did raise me adn give me a chance when no one else would. I almost feel like I am indebted to her and add on to the fact I am her granddaughter who had a child that is her great grandchild and she wants to see her a lot, but the problem is that she isnt ever happy to see me just my kid, which I sort of get but I dont feel like she much cares for me anymore. Add that with my pets and she makes it downright unpleasant

[Jay]

Nice to see somone with morals. Maggot, believe it or not some people still respect their elders.

Can you go to her house to visit?

[EmbraceCalamity]

Its just hard to deal with because she did raise me adn give me a chance when no one else would. I almost feel like I am indebted to her and add on to the fact I am her granddaughter who had a child that is her great grandchild and she wants to see her a lot, but the problem is that she isnt ever happy to see me just my kid, which I sort of get but I dont feel like she much cares for me anymore. Add that with my pets and she makes it downright unpleasantYou can be appreciative of that without being a victim to her.Nice to see somone with morals. Maggot, believe it or not some people still respect their elders.

Can you go to her house to visit?Eh. I don't personally believe that age gives one a free pass to treat people like crap or get respect when they don't deserve it. My morals are different than yours; doesn't mean I don't have them.

~Maggot

[Jay]

You can be appreciative of that without being a victim to her.Eh. I don't personally believe that age gives one a free pass to treat people like crap or get respect when they don't deserve it. My morals are different than yours; doesn't mean I don't have them.

~Maggot

Nice way to put it.

[dinosaurdammit]

Nice to see somone with morals. Maggot, believe it or not some people still respect their elders.

Can you go to her house to visit?

I guess its how I was raised deep south. Respect your elders no matter what. It doesnt mean you cannot disagree or be upset with it but basically it boils down to bite your tongue and eat crap with a smile. I dont like ti but its been instilled so hard in me I cant do differently.

[EmbraceCalamity]

I guess its how I was raised deep south. Respect your elders no matter what. It doesnt mean you cannot disagree or be upset with it but basically it boils down to bite your tongue and eat crap with a smile. I dont like ti but its been instilled so hard in me I cant do differently.And just accept being treated like **** by her? Well, that's your choice, I guess. I wish people would be more willing to question what they were indoctrinated with as children.

~Maggot

[dinosaurdammit]

And just accept being treated like **** by her? Well, that's your choice, I guess. I wish people would be more willing to question what they were indoctrinated with as children.

~Maggot

For you it seems so easy to just stand up and frill like an alstralian outback crazed lizard but for me its just so hard to go against anything she says. Sure I feel like tis wrong and i dont always agree but I guess the logic behind it is "she wont be here forever" and to be honest, when she dies, I will have no one other than my husband. My mother is dead, dad isnt around grandparents are all dead but her. Its just hard to fight with the last remaining family member I have.

[EmbraceCalamity]

For you it seems so easy to just stand up and frill like an alstralian outback crazed lizard but for me its just so hard to go against anything she says. Sure I feel like tis wrong and i dont always agree but I guess the logic behind it is "she wont be here forever" and to be honest, when she dies, I will have no one other than my husband. My mother is dead, dad isnt around grandparents are all dead but her. Its just hard to fight with the last remaining family member I have.I'm a crazed Aussie lizard? That's kind of cool. =o Like I said, it's your choice. You're free to do what you want. But you posted a thread asking for advice on how to deal with it.

~Maggot

[dinosaurdammit]

I'm a crazed Aussie lizard? That's kind of cool. =o Like I said, it's your choice. You're free to do what you want. But you posted a thread asking for advice on how to deal with it.

~Maggot

I didnt mean the frill thing as an insult, i was just stating how you can do it and I just somehow lack the spine to do so. I want to so bad stand up and state my thoughts but they just jumble up my words and they end up coming out as garbling mouth vomit. How can I better gain the confidence to say the things i need to?

[Wildside]

For you it seems so easy to just stand up and frill like an alstralian outback crazed lizard but for me its just so hard to go against anything she says. Sure I feel like tis wrong and i dont always agree but I guess the logic behind it is "she wont be here forever" and to be honest, when she dies, I will have no one other than my husband. My mother is dead, dad isnt around grandparents are all dead but her. Its just hard to fight with the last remaining family member I have.

Obviously she wanted a fight Darlin'. You say she downed you for everything before she saw Athena and she plays the hard life card. She's feeding off the guilt she creates in you. A lot of times people who have had "hard lives" are broken like that. There's no point in confronting her about it you'll just need to learn how to take it with a grain of salt and be glad she doesn't live near enough to make you real miserable.

[dinosaurdammit]

Obviously she wanted a fight Darlin'. You say she downed you for everything before she saw Athena and she plays the hard life card. She's feeding off the guilt she creates in you. A lot of times people who have had "hard lives" are broken like that. There's no point in confronting her about it you'll just need to learn how to take it with a grain of salt and be glad she doesn't live near enough to make you real miserable.

I know my husband feels awkward when she is around, and I know she makes it hard on him as well. I really love her and value her opinions I just have a hard time balancing everything out. I love having her over, I just dont appreciate how she tries to run the house when its my house :/

[EmbraceCalamity]

I didnt mean the frill thing as an insult, i was just stating how you can do it and I just somehow lack the spine to do so. I want to so bad stand up and state my thoughts but they just jumble up my words and they end up coming out as garbling mouth vomit. How can I better gain the confidence to say the things i need to?Read The Satanic Bible. Great confidence-builder. :)

~Maggot

[BarelyBreathing]

Tell her that next time you would love to spend time with her over at her home (or a restaurant, or a museum, etc etc).

[EmbraceCalamity]

Tell her that next time you would love to spend time with her over at her home (or a restaurant, or a museum, etc etc).I think she's from out of the area, hence my suggestion about the hotel room and spending time outside of the house. That's what I got, anyway. I think that would be the most reasonable solution to the problem.

~Maggot

[dinosaurdammit]

I think she's from out of the area, hence my suggestion about the hotel room and spending time outside of the house. That's what I got, anyway. I think that would be the most reasonable solution to the problem.

~Maggot

I dont want to burden her with the expensive of having to stay in a hotel but her intolerance and ignorance make it so she refuses to understand anything I try and tell her. It is her way or highway. She lives over 1,600 miles away so its not often we get to see each other and when she is here she spoils my kid until she turns into an absolute BRAT and then is intolerable to take out on trips.

[EmbraceCalamity]

I dont want to burden her with the expensive of having to stay in a hotel but her intolerance and ignorance make it so she refuses to understand anything I try and tell her. It is her way or highway. She lives over 1,600 miles away so its not often we get to see each other and when she is here she spoils my kid until she turns into an absolute BRAT and then is intolerable to take out on trips.Maybe you could pay for the room? Or tell her that she's going to have to choose one way or the other.

~Maggot

[dinosaurdammit]

Maybe you could pay for the room? Or tell her that she's going to have to choose one way or the other.

~Maggot

I couldnt afford a 70 dollar a night stay :/ Id go so broke so fast. Knowing her I would imagine she would stay at home and hold it against me.

[EmbraceCalamity]

I couldnt afford a 70 dollar a night stay :/ Id go so broke so fast. Knowing her I would imagine she would stay at home and hold it against me.I figured. Like I said, these kinds of people can't be negotiated with. Guess you're stuck. :)

~Maggot

[BarelyBreathing]

I'm sorry. :( That sucks. Perhaps you can have your parent talk to her? I hate saying this, but it really sounds like it's more hassle than it's worth.

[Danimal]

No one is going to agree with everything you do. How you handle it is a reflection of your character in my opinion. I don't know you or your nana and I don't know what you or your nana have or haven't done so I think it would be irresponsible to tell you what you should do but I can tell you what I have done in similar situations.

Find a balance. I put up with a certain amount of ridicule because I deserved it. Also because I owed a debt to all those who helped raise me and because I do respect my elders. Most of the criticism will have roots in concern. If there is any truth in the criticsim then I would do what I could to quell the fears of those that care. There is not always an easy answer here, some compromise is painful. If you just walk a different path and you make them uncomfortable, then figure out a way to make them comfortable.

If I felt it was mean spirited for the sake of being mean, I let it roll off me. When dealing with a mean person the only power they have over you is what you give them. If their accusations are baseless then they are without value, there is nothing to hold over you unless you let them. Don't be petulant just let it go.

Some folks are just that way. About 10 years ago my younger brother complained about my father being too hard. This is my youngest brother by 6 years, I am the oldest. Let me just say that if my father was hard on my younger brothers then he was gruesome to me. I didn't see it that way though. I told my brother, you think that dad is hard on me because I don't do things the "right way" so I deserve it. Conversely, because you do things the "right way" that dad is just picking on you for no reason. He says, with a smile, exactly. So I asked him if he thought over confident people took too much for granted and left themselves open to mistakes....... In the same way that I might not take dads advice and make a mistake that would have been avoided if I had listened?

[Lankyrob]

I see it like this, you sit her down in a neutral place and explain that you highly respect her opinion and love spending time woth her BUT you are an adult, you have your own place thatYOU pay the bills for and within that environment (and within the confines of the law) you can do what YOU want.

Explain your love for the snakes and explain that if they upset her then you will respectthis and keep then locked in their viv for the duration of her visit, explain that they are harmless and CAN NOT escape from their homes.

My father hates snakes and cant understand why we have them, they are in our living room so cant be missed or hidden. I told him that i want him to visit and would NOT get them outwhilst he was here. Now, after a couple of years of visits he will stand and watch them in their vivs, still not getting them out but we can visit in peace.

I have a close friend who has an extreme phobia (she vomits if she sees onein a magazine or on tv) so we have agreed to only socialise at her place si ce we have gotten the snakes.

Everything is about compromise and nobody can make you feel "bad" unless YOU give them permission to do so :)

[StudentoReptile]

I have a similar situation. My mother-in-law doesn't care for snakes much either, and for the first couple years my (now) wife and I were dating and later got married, she rarely if ever came to visit. My wife and I were unified with the fact that reptiles (snakes included) are and always be a part of my life, and I'm not getting rid of them because this is OUR home, not my MIL. I tried to be courteous and moved all the reptiles in one room, and would close the door so no relatives would see them. Eventually, my MIL's desire to visit with her grandchildren took precedence over her phobia, and she does visit from time to time.

But in the end, this is YOUR life and YOUR home. You have to tell "nana" that you respect her and still love her, but these our YOUR animals that you will keep, and you are not going to change your way of life just for her. It may be a difficult conversation but some relatives just have to learn how to deal.

[shaunyboy]

I guess its how I was raised deep south. Respect your elders no matter what. It doesnt mean you cannot disagree or be upset with it but basically it boils down to bite your tongue and eat crap with a smile. I dont like ti but its been instilled so hard in me I cant do differently.

i know how you feel pal,i have a 73 year old father who is just like your gran...

i could have been the first man on the moon and he would say.....

what took you so bloody long to get there,nothing i did/do is ever good enough

in the end after years and years of us not getting on,i decided to write him a letter (summertime this year),i gave the letter to my mum,who handed it to my dad as he was heading to bed...

re letter
with a letter they will sit and read it,time and time again if needed,but since your not there and its only paper,they have nothing to kick off at...

i was honest and to the point with my dad,and for now he seems to have mellowed,so writing down how you feel and explaining why you hurt,may be a way of getting through to her...

i told my dad that i understand we're from different generations,and i was grateful for my upbringing,and that i understood why he was how he is,but i would never be like him,and we are 2 completely different types of human being,and if i can respect him for who he is,then surely he can do the same when it comes to me

my father never spoke of my letter,not even to my mum,but she said the next day after giving it to him,she felt he had changed a little...

theres nothing worse than someone you love crapping all over you,so i hope you get things sorted out with your gran.....

all that said,you cannot let them constantly tare lumps out you...

you need to fix it,or no matter how hard it is...walk away before it tares you apart

all the best,shaun

[Wildside]

This isn't about reptiles guys. It's about the head games her gran likes to play with her. The reptiles are just more ammo for the cannon.

[shaunyboy]

I didnt mean the frill thing as an insult, i was just stating how you can do it and I just somehow lack the spine to do so. I want to so bad stand up and state my thoughts but they just jumble up my words and they end up coming out as garbling mouth vomit. How can I better gain the confidence to say the things i need to?

write it down in a letter,that way you have time to correct mistakes and write it exactly how it should be

also a letter lasts,so your gran can read it over and over,you never know some of it may sink in,and change her attitude

cheers shaun

[dinosaurdammit]

I'm sorry. :( That sucks. Perhaps you can have your parent talk to her? I hate saying this, but it really sounds like it's more hassle than it's worth.

I have no parents, she is basically my parent cause she adopted me. This is why it is so hard. She always relates me to my mother who had a lot of rough spots in her life. My husband finally had the heart to tell me that my nana though I was turning into my mother. My mom loved all animals great and small and had a small zoo of her own. The difference is I dont drink, do drugs and over all I dont do anything disruptive. While she was here I got a really bad stomach bug, I ended up having to go to the er and she griped at my husband that I am just like my mom, going to the er to get pain meds. I didnt need pain meds, I just needed Zofran to stop puking but she never seems to see that she just thinks I am some sort of drug addict pet owner with no proof of anything besides my herp zoo. Two days later she got said stomach bug. Wonder if it ever hit her that maybe just maybe she over thinks things.

I see it like this, you sit her down in a neutral place and explain that you highly respect her opinion and love spending time woth her BUT you are an adult, you have your own place thatYOU pay the bills for and within that environment (and within the confines of the law) you can do what YOU want.

Explain your love for the snakes and explain that if they upset her then you will respectthis and keep then locked in their viv for the duration of her visit, explain that they are harmless and CAN NOT escape from their homes.

My father hates snakes and cant understand why we have them, they are in our living room so cant be missed or hidden. I told him that i want him to visit and would NOT get them outwhilst he was here. Now, after a couple of years of visits he will stand and watch them in their vivs, still not getting them out but we can visit in peace.

I have a close friend who has an extreme phobia (she vomits if she sees onein a magazine or on tv) so we have agreed to only socialise at her place si ce we have gotten the snakes.

Everything is about compromise and nobody can make you feel "bad" unless YOU give them permission to do so :)

While she was here none of them got out, she didnt even know we had the snake until somehow our bedroom became unlocked and open :rolleyes: still cannot figure out how that happened.

i know how you feel pal,i have a 73 year old father who is just like your gran...

i could have been the first man on the moon and he would say.....

what took you so bloody long to get there,nothing i did/do is ever good enough

in the end after years and years of us not getting on,i decided to write him a letter (summertime this year),i gave the letter to my mum,who handed it to my dad as he was heading to bed...

re letter
with a letter they will sit and read it,time and time again if needed,but since your not there and its only paper,they have nothing to kick off at...

i was honest and to the point with my dad,and for now he seems to have mellowed,so writing down how you feel and explaining why you hurt,may be a way of getting through to her...

i told my dad that i understand we're from different generations,and i was grateful for my upbringing,and that i understood why he was how he is,but i would never be like him,and we are 2 completely different types of human being,and if i can respect him for who he is,then surely he can do the same when it comes to me

my father never spoke of my letter,not even to my mum,but she said the next day after giving it to him,she felt he had changed a little...

theres nothing worse than someone you love crapping all over you,so i hope you get things sorted out with your gran.....

all that said,you cannot let them constantly tare lumps out you...

you need to fix it,or no matter how hard it is...walk away before it tares you apart

all the best,shaun

its hard because there is a two generation gap. My mother strayed off the path, went down a bad path, tried to correct it and then died before "succeeding". She seems to think somehow reptiles take away from me playing with my kid, to be honest, in their vivs they are pretty self sustaining. All I have to do is throw food in or change their water if it needs it. She thinks god forbid I feed them that I am spending all my time with them. She thinks snakes are "evil" lizards too so by having them somehow I am evil and will ruin my kids life. My kid LOVE the snakes and loves the monitor lizard, she cant see the CWD all that much because they hide in plants all the time. Sometimes I think my mother rebelled because my grandmother has an acceptance level of 0. Somehow I have put up with it for all these years. My husband even said if it were anyone else they would have told her to F off but I just cant. I love my husbands mom, she accepts him no matter what, thats what parents SHOULD do but all my life I have been looked down on because I dont conform to her ideal image.

write it down in a letter,that way you have time to correct mistakes and write it exactly how it should be

also a letter lasts,so your gran can read it over and over,you never know some of it may sink in,and change her attitude

cheers shaun

I think in this case a letter would be appropriate. Thanking her for all she did while she was here but explaining that these are my animals and my responsibility and they make me happy. Also explaining that while she thinks she knows best while she is here I would like my house rules to stick so my kid doesnt turn into a terror and that while she is here the animals are not magically going to unlock their vivs and get out to attack her in her sleep. If I have a toddler who can work a computer I damn well will have master locks on my vivs, I know monitors are smart but it isnt like Pajaaamas is going to use a +10 to pick locking to get out just to harass her. Just by having vivs in the house she automatically thinks the whole place is unsanitary. I really fail to see how because they have no smell other than wood until you open them and then they just smell like damp earth. I dont let my lizards or snakes crawl around anything but the living room and its only on the floor and never when she is here. It also gets mopped after every outing to precent cross species contamination. Somehow she thinks she will get airborne lizard aids or something. I hope when I sit down down to write this I can form all my thoughts from the past 15 years into a well written letter. Maybe it will change things but I also fear the worst that she will just resent me somehow.

[KORBIN5895]

Let me sum this up for you. Your grandmother is a very bitter old woman. I know because I lived with one just like her for eight years. I hope you can come to terms with that. She will never change. I am sorry and I'm not trying to be a **** because I can feel for you. I know where you are coming from.

[dinosaurdammit]

Let me sum this up for you. Your grandmother is a very bitter old woman. I know because I lived with one just like her for eight years. I hope you can come to terms with that. She will never change. I am sorry and I'm not trying to be a **** because I can feel for you. I know where you are coming from.

I can understand she had a hard life but why does she need to feel like she has to share the experience. Ive not exactly had an easy life either. At what point did she just become bitter and at what point will she ever see that if she doesnt change it will only drive me away.

[KORBIN5895]

I can understand she had a hard life but why does she need to feel like she has to share the experience. Ive not exactly had an easy life either. At what point did she just become bitter and at what point will she ever see that if she doesnt change it will only drive me away.

Mine never did figure it out. Every time I tried to reach out she would be all pissy because I hadn't called in "x" number of days, even if it had been only a week. She now is in a nursing home and no one wants to see her not even her own kids.

[Relentless]

dinosaurdammit, first let me give you my sincerest apologies for having to deal with someone like that. I know exactly how you feel, almost to the tee. My grandparents are the exact same way with animals, but not as extreme as your nana. My mom has been that critical of me, not including the animals though, for most of my life up until I went to college.

I agree with most of what everyone said here. She is older and set in her ways. She has this perfect image in her head that no one would be able to live up to, including you. It's something certain people do because it makes them feel important or powerful. She probably will never change and she definitely will drive you away acting like this. It is VERY WRONG of her to treat you this way. You feel indebted to her just as I feel indebted to my mother when she tries to guilt me out of things she doesn't like. She tells me she raised me and put me through school and gives me the world, etc. Yet growing up, she was constantly on medication, drunk, or high and couldn't do a damn thing. Yet I feel indebted to her. It is a terrible feeling. STOP thinking you owe her something. That's what I did. My mother came around and now respects me for what I have become, despite my hardships. Your nana may not come around, but if staying away from you to prove her point is more important than seeing her daughter and grandchild, then she is at fault. NOT YOU. Keep your head up, sweetheart. Don't let someone else criminalize your hobby, your passion.

[StudentoReptile]

The last two posts sum things up well. These situations are difficult, but some people will NEVER see eye-to-eye when it comes to this hobby (or other things in life as well). For example, I have resigned myself to the fact that no job I ever will hold will ever meet my mother's satisfaction. I'm 30 yrs old, and I have my own family (wife and 2 kids) to worry about, without concerning myself with someone else's expectations.

[dinosaurdammit]

The last two posts sum things up well. These situations are difficult, but some people will NEVER see eye-to-eye when it comes to this hobby (or other things in life as well). For example, I have resigned myself to the fact that no job I ever will hold will ever meet my mother's satisfaction. I'm 30 yrs old, and I have my own family (wife and 2 kids) to worry about, without concerning myself with someone else's expectations.

I now understand what I must do its going to be hard to get myself out of the mindset of always just being a yes person when she ask. Its going to be difficult but I truly love my critters and I respect her but I think its high time she realizes im not my mother and that I am deserving of respect.

[Relentless]

That's more like it! There's a point where it's no longer respecting your elders, but letting someone take advantage of your kind and understand personality. It's just not fair to you.