Need a smile? the ZARADOZIA awesome joke thread

[ZARADOZIA]

:eek:
Man Kills Self Before Shooting Wife and Daughter
*This one was caught in the SGV Tribune the other day and called the Editorial Room and asked who wrote this. It took two or three readings before the editor realized that what he was reading was impossible!!! They put in a correction the next day.
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Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
*Really? Ya think?
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Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
Now that's taking things a bit far!
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Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
What a guy!
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Miners Refuse to Work after Death
No-good-for-nothing' lazy so-and-so's!
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Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
See if that works any better than a fair trial!
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War Dims Hope for Peace
I can see where it might have that effect!
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If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
Ya think?!
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Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
Who would have thought!
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Enfield ( London ) Couple Slain;PoliceSuspect Homicide
They may be on to something!
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Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?
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Man Struck By Lightning:Faces Battery Charge
He probably IS the battery charge!
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Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
That's what he gets for eating those beans!
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Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
Do they taste like chicken?
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Local High SchoolDropoutsCut in Half
Chainsaw Massacre all over again!
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Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
Boy, are they tall!
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And the winner is....

Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
Did I read that right?
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Proofreading is a dying art, wouldn't you say?

*My son sent this to me, so no blaming me for bad commentary! lol

[stephanbakir]

Love it! That's awesome!

[redsided]

Love it more!!

[Gungirl]

lol.. thanks for the giggle.

[Snakefood]

hehehe, that was great. I am always laughing over the lack of editing. I read the entire series of "Clan of the cave bear" and the the whole "Outlander" series. After reading both I felt like contacting the authors and asking if they would like to hire an editor that actually "knows" the English language and how it is supposed to be put together!!!

[Lankyrob]

Clan of the Cave Bear is AWESOME!!! Best series of books i have read and i got all of them for 50pence at a car boot sale!!

I used to proofread articles for school and local magazines and it is hilarious some of the things that people write, and whilst you can totally understand what they mean what they actually write is SOOOOOO different!!!

[Will0W783]

LOL! Hilarious-- I love the cemetery one.

[dawnhorn]

I really needed a laugh this morning! Thanks! That's some funny stuff!

[Snakefood]

Clan of the Cave Bear is AWESOME!!! Best series of books i have read and i got all of them for 50pence at a car boot sale!!

I used to proofread articles for school and local magazines and it is hilarious some of the things that people write, and whilst you can totally understand what they mean what they actually write is SOOOOOO different!!!


All of them, even the most recent? I think the one that just came out will be the last.

[Lankyrob]

Theres another one??? I bought 5 that seemed to finish the story..........

[Snakefood]

Yup, the sixth and final book. it's called:

"The land of the painted caves"

[Lankyrob]

Yup, the sixth and final book. it's called:

"The land of the painted caves"

thanks for letting me know - will try to get hold of it soon!

[Mrs N1ntndo]

OMG . I was laughing soooo hard. I was trying to read outloud and that was so difficult to do. I had to stop so many times to wipe my eyes from the tears. Those were great.

[blindfireak40]

Yup, the sixth and final book. it's called:

"The land of the painted caves"

Finally!! It's my mom's favorite series EVER! Christmas just got one hojillion times easier hahah :yes:

[shaunyboy]

great stuff

the panda one was my favorite

cheers shaun

[ZARADOZIA]

USELESS INFORMATION ...

If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee
(Hardly seems worth it.)

Hippo milk is pink.
(Ew)

Drivers kill more deer than hunters.
(…)

The IRS employee’s tax manual has instructions for collecting taxes after a nuclear war.
(Go Figure!)

If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.
(Now that's more like it!)

A completely blind chameleon will still take on the colors of its environment.
(Sad. I know completely sighted people that can’t even dress appropriately.)

The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out enough energy to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.
(O.M.G.!)

A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.
(In my next life, I want to be a pig.)

A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death.
(Creepy.) (still not over the pig.)

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.
(Do not try this at home...... maybe at work.)

The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.
("Honey, I'm home. What the....?!")

The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field.
(30 minutes... lucky pig.. can you imagine??)

The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.
(What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)

Some lions mate over 50 times a day
(I still want to be a pig in my next life...quality over quantity)

Butterflies taste with their feet.
(Something I always wanted to know.)

The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.
(Hmm! mmmm........)

Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people.
(If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)

Elephants are the only animal that has four knees.
Elephants are the only animal that cannot jump.
(OK, so that would be a good thing....)

A cat's urine glows under a black light.
(I wonder who was paid to figure that out?)


An ostrich's eye is bigger than its ! brain.
(I know some people like that.)

Starfish have no brains.
(I know some people like that too.)

Polar bears are left-handed.
(If they switch, they'll live a lot longer.)

Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
(What about that pig??)

[millertime89]

I've seen those before, but they still make me laugh.

[stephanbakir]

Rofl, good read :)
Quick question regarding that last one... I had a dog that humped chairs for 6 years and we never once got babies, I'm assuming he did it because it felt good :P

[ZARADOZIA]

Newspaper headlines in the year 2035

Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest country in the world, California.

White minorities still trying to have English recognized as California's third language.

Spotted Owl plague threatens northwestern United States crops & livestock.

Baby conceived naturally.... Scientists stumped.

Last remaining Fundamentalist Muslim dies in the American Territory of the Middle East (formerly known as Iran, Afghanistan, Syria, and Lebanon.)

Iraq still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least ten more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels.

Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally, but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking.

George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2036.

Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to $17.89 and reduces mail delivery to Wednesday only.

35 year study: Diet and Exercise is the key to weight loss.

Massachusetts executes last remaining conservative.

Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals violates their civil rights.

Average height of NBA players now nine feet, seven inches.

New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screw-drivers, fly swatters, and rolled up newspapers must be registered by January 2036.

Congress authorizes direct deposit of illegal political contributions to campaign accounts.

Capital Hill intern indicted for refusing to have sex with congressman.

IRS sets lowest tax rate at 75%.

Florida Democrats still don't know how to use a voting machine.




(This was sent to me by my Sis-in-law Oct 2003. She passed on a few years back, but her memory lives on. I wanted to share her wonderful sense of humor and share her laughter.)

[Snakefood]

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.
(Do not try this at home...... maybe at work.)


This explains alot!!

when I worked at the vets, we had a paper red target taped to the wall for just such occassions, and at the vets those occassions happen alot!!!

[ZARADOZIA]

Rofl, good read :)
Quick question regarding that last one... I had a dog that humped chairs for 6 years and we never once got babies, I'm assuming he did it because it felt good :P


LOL Great point! I have no idea...

Noisy animals are not my forte. I am not much of a dog person and I really don't care for male dogs for reasons stated above.

[Snakefood]

hey, hey, hey!!! My male dog doesn't hump anything!!! My little female Rattie does though!!

[Snakefood]

Baby conceived naturally.... Scientists stumped.
( did you see the movie "Child Of Man")


Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to $17.89 and reduces mail delivery to Wednesday only.
(Hey, that just happened here!!)

Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals violates their civil rights.
(Hasn't that pretty much already happened??)

[ZARADOZIA]

Baby conceived naturally.... Scientists stumped.
( did you see the movie "Child Of Man")


Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to $17.89 and reduces mail delivery to Wednesday only.
(Hey, that just happened here!!)

Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals violates their civil rights.
(Hasn't that pretty much already happened??)


1. No, is it any good?
2. ACK!
3. No JOKE! I wish all states would take on the 3 strikes law and many other much needed changes. But I don't believe in much leniency when it comes to violent crimes. Some things needs to be zero tolerance.

[ZARADOZIA]

The Elderly


1-ARIZONA DRIVERS:

An elderly woman called 911 on her cell phone to report that her car had been broken into. She was hysterical as she explained her situation to the dispatcher: "They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal, and even the accelerator!" she cried. The dispatcher said, "Stay calm. An officer is on the way." A few minutes later, the officer radios in. "Disregard," he said. "She got in the backseat by mistake."

_______________________________________


2- FAMILY

Three sisters ages 92, 94 and 96 live in a house together. One night the 96 year old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses. She yells to the other sisters, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?" The 94-year-old yells back, "I don't know. I'll come up and see." She starts up the stairs and pauses "Was I going up the stairs or down?" The 92 year old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her sisters.

She shakes her head and says, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful."

She knocks on wood for good measure. She then yells, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door."

______________________________________


3- "I CAN HEAR JUST FINE!"

Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine March day. One remarked to the other, "Windy isn't it?" "No," the second man replied, "it’s Thursday." And the third man chimed in, "So am I. Let's have a beer."

_______________________________________


4- Super-Sex

A little old lady was running up and down the halls in a nursing home. As she walked, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say "Supersex." She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair. Flipping her gown at him, she said, "Supersex." He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered, "I'll take the soup."
_______________________________________


5-OLD FRIENDS

Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years, they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards. One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me. I know we've been friends for a long time, but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is." Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes, she just stared and glared at her. Finally, she said, "How soon do you need to know?"

______________________________________ _


6- SENIOR DRIVING

As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Interstate 77. Please be careful!" "Hell," said Herman, "It's not just one car, it's hundreds of them!

[ZARADOZIA]

A physician claims that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their Colonoscopies:

1. "Take it easy Doc, you're boldly going where no man has gone before."
2. "Find Amelia Earhart yet?"
3. "Can you hear me NOW?"
4. "Oh boy! That was sphincterrific!"
5. "Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?"
6. "You know in Arkansas we're now legally married."
7. "Any sign of the trapped miners Chief?"
8. "You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out...."
9. "Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!"
10. "If your hand doesn't fit you must aquit!"
11. "Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity."
12. "You used to be an executive at Enron didn't you?"

And the best one of them all..........
13 "Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is in fact not up there."

[Snakefood]

1. No, is it any good?
2. ACK!
3. No JOKE! I wish all states would take on the 3 strikes law and many other much needed changes. But I don't believe in much leniency when it comes to violent crimes. Some things needs to be zero tolerance.

1. Ya, It's one I would reccomend!! It's about the world after ALL women stop concieving, naturally or otherwise.

2. my sentiments exactly!!

3. Yes, here in Canada the law is really screwy when it comes to any crime really. What really burns my *** here though is:

if someone owes you $$, statute of limitations says you have 7 years to go after them. If someone RAPES you, statute of limitations says you have 5 years to go after them.

Am I the only one who thinks this is ***-backwards???

[ZARADOZIA]

The Boob Poem

For years and years they told me,
Be careful of your breasts.
Don't ever squeeze or bruise them,
And give them monthly tests.

So I heeded all their warnings,
And protected them by law.
Guarded them very carefully,
And I always wore my bra.

After 30 years of astute care,
My gyno, Dr. Pruitt,
Said I should get a Mammogram,
"O.K.," I said, "let's do it."

"Stand up here real close" she said,
(She got my boob in line),
"And tell me when it hurts," she said,
"Ah yes! Right there, that's fine."

She stepped upon a pedal.
I could not believe my eyes!
A plastic plate came slamming down,
My hooter's in a vise!

My skin was stretched and mangled,
From underneath my chin.
My poor boob was being squashed,
To Swedish Pancake thin.

Excruciating pain I felt,
Within it's vise-like grip.
A prisoner in this vicious thing,
My poor defenseless tit!

"Take a deep breath" she said to me,
Who does she think she's kidding?!?
My chest is mashed in her machine
And woozy I am getting.

"There, that's good," I heard her say,
(The room was slowly swaying.)
"Now, let's have a go at the other one."
Have mercy, I was praying.

It squeezed me from both up and down,
It squeezed me from both sides.
I'll bet SHE'S never had this done,
To HER tender little hide.

Next time that they make me do this,
I will request a blindfold,
I have no wish to see again,
My knockers getting steamrolled.

If I had no problem when I came in,
I surely have one now.
If there had been a cyst in there,
It would have gone "ker-pow"!

This machine was created by a man,
Of this, I have no doubt.
I'd like to stick his balls in there,
And see how THEY come out.

[Snakefood]

I love it!! 100% LOVE IT!!!

[ZARADOZIA]

1. Ya, It's one I would reccomend!! It's about the world after ALL women stop concieving, naturally or otherwise.

2. my sentiments exactly!!

3. Yes, here in Canada the law is really screwy when it comes to any crime really. What really burns my *** here though is:

if someone owes you $$, statute of limitations says you have 7 years to go after them. If someone RAPES you, statute of limitations says you have 5 years to go after them.

Am I the only one who thinks this is ***-backwards???

I completely agree with you. Personally, (folks don't give me grief over this, it's just my thoughts) I believe rapists should be given the death sentence. Or at least turn them into a eunuch so it can't be done again.

[CK SandBoas]

That is fantastic!!

[ZARADOZIA]

A Cowboy Story

A modern day cowboy has spent many days crossing the desert without water.
His horse has already died of thirst.
He's crawling through the sand, certain that he has breathed his last, when all of a sudden, he sees an object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him.
He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand, and discovers what looks to be an old brief case.

He opens it and out pops a genie. But this is no ordinary genie.
She is wearing an Internal Revenue Service ID badge and a dull gray dress.
There's a calculator in her pocketbook. She has a pencil tucked behind one ear.

"Well, cowboy," says the genie... "You know how I work. You have three wishes."
"I'm not falling for this." Says the man. "I'm not going to trust an IRS auditor genie."
"What do you have to lose? You've got no transportation, and it looks like you're a goner anyway!"

The man thinks about this for a minute, and decides that the genie is right.
"OK, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plenty of food and drink."
***POOF***
The cowboy finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen. And he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.

"OK, cowpoke, what's your second wish."
"My second wish is that I was rich beyond my wildest dreams."
***POOF***
The man finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold coins and precious gems.

"OK, cowpuncher, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!"
After thinking for a few minutes, the man says.. "I wish that no matter where I go, beautiful women will want and need me."
***POOF***
He is turned into a tampon.

The moral of the story: If the government offers you anything, there's going to be a string attached

[millertime89]

rofl, that's hilarious.

[ZARADOZIA]

Oh Good Grief! LOL

[millertime89]

holy $hit, those are funny.

[millertime89]

not as good as your other ones, but still decent

[alessia55]

HAHAHAH that's hilarious!

[alessia55]

I thought the "old friends" one was kinda cute though. I'm kind of afraid of growing old though :sorry:

[alessia55]

hahahaha the last one is the best for sure

[ZARADOZIA]

I thought the "old friends" one was kinda cute though. I'm kind of afraid of growing old though :sorry:

Don't be afraid of growing old.

Live each day to its fullest. Love deeply, Laugh often, Never go to bed with out hugging and kissing your loved ones; especially if you are angry. Always start the new day with Hugs and Kisses.
Don't overly worry about tomorrow; only worry about today because right now is the only time that matters.

[alessia55]

A dog that is NOT neutered/spayed humps people/objects to release sexual frustration (since they too have sexual cycles that urge them to mate), or as an act of dominance. Some female dogs hump male dogs or other female dogs as a way to display dominance. A dog that IS neutered may will do the same because removing the organ does not remove the hormones. :yes:

Back to the thread topic though... I didn't know that starfish had no brains... but did you know that starfish eat by ejecting their stomachs and taking in their food directly into their stomachs that way? :eek:

[UwabamiReptiles]

Those are funny.

[alessia55]

hahaha that last verse is hilarious!! so true!
This machine was created by a man,
Of this, I have no doubt.
I'd like to stick his balls in there,
And see how THEY come out.

[lady_bug87]

hahahahaha love the Chi Chis

[mybella]

LOL...funny

[ZARADOZIA]

Back to the thread topic though... I didn't know that starfish had no brains... but did you know that starfish eat by ejecting their stomachs and taking in their food directly into their stomachs that way? :eek:

Ew. Didn't know that either...lol

[Kayla90]

Wooo Polar Bears for the win!!!!
Left-Handedness all the way :P

[Lankyrob]

Here is an idea i came up with in my philosophy class at age 15, i was almost EXPELLED from school fro submitting this. I believe the question we had to answer was "How can the government deal with prisoners more effectively (less reoffending) and raise money for a better society at teh same time"

My answer was ..............

We should set up "Sin Houses" - in these houses you can hire prostitutes legally, they will be given healthcare, treated as employees so that all employment laws cover them, and the prices will include a tax element that the government can collect. Also in these houses will be rooms where violent prisoners will be kept, for a price public can enter these rooms with complete impunity and do anything they like to punish these criminals, you can have additional charges for renting weapons etc to use on the criminals.

These punishment rooms will severely reduce the number of repeat offenders and remove the likelihood of prostitutes getting stuck in the drug addiction/having to prostitute themselves cycle.

[Lankyrob]

God made all people equal but some are more equal than others

Righthanded people were practice moulds for Lefties

[ZARADOZIA]

Here is an idea i came up with in my philosophy class at age 15, i was almost EXPELLED from school fro submitting this. I believe the question we had to answer was "How can the government deal with prisoners more effectively (less reoffending) and raise money for a better society at teh same time"

My answer was ..............

We should set up "Sin Houses" - in these houses you can hire prostitutes legally, they will be given healthcare, treated as employees so that all employment laws cover them, and the prices will include a tax element that the government can collect. Also in these houses will be rooms where violent prisoners will be kept, for a price public can enter these rooms with complete impunity and do anything they like to punish these criminals, you can have additional charges for renting weapons etc to use on the criminals.

These punishment rooms will severely reduce the number of repeat offenders and remove the likelihood of prostitutes getting stuck in the drug addiction/having to prostitute themselves cycle.

Oh I like you more and more every day.

[ZARADOZIA]

LOL I'm ambidextrous. Comes in handy since I do my own nails.

[UwabamiReptiles]

Rob that is awesome.

[lady_bug87]

I'm a little more brutal.

Take him far up in the mountains to a log cabin.
Nail his *P* & *B's* to the wall.
Hand him a butter knife.
Then set the place on fire.


That is going to be my new favourite threat

[Lankyrob]

I am too, left hand dominant but can use both hands for everything, tho now i dont practice writing righthanded it is a bit scrawly.

[KORBIN5895]

Old people are great! I work at a nursing home and I could picture a few faces as I read this. The only scary thing I see about getting old is Alzheimer disease. We have a lady under 60 with it.

[Snakefood]

I have a very beloved 91 (92 in Jan) Grandmother!!

[jaleely]

ah haha! i emailed those to my mom hehehe

[ZARADOZIA]

Old people are great! I work at a nursing home and I could picture a few faces as I read this. The only scary thing I see about getting old is Alzheimer disease. We have a lady under 60 with it.

Alzheimer is one that scares the stuffings out of me. One of the resons I read & study so much, to keep all parts of the brain active.

My son's Great G-ma has it and it's heart breaking. I don't want to be like that. I do look forward to being the silly Great G-ma sitting on the front porch that the Grand kids giggle at though!

**Cool scientific factoid:
Reading jokes that makes you laugh and think uses more brain power than not. Because of this, if you can make learning entertaining (quick wit, intelligent wit) you will learn twice as fast.

[ZARADOZIA]

http://i68.photobucket.com/albums/i25/Vandacross/funny/K.jpg

http://i68.photobucket.com/albums/i25/Vandacross/funny/H.jpg

http://i68.photobucket.com/albums/i25/Vandacross/funny/G.jpg

http://i68.photobucket.com/albums/i25/Vandacross/funny/F.jpg

http://i68.photobucket.com/albums/i25/Vandacross/funny/S.jpg

http://i68.photobucket.com/albums/i25/Vandacross/funny/R.jpg

http://i68.photobucket.com/albums/i25/Vandacross/funny/O.jpg

http://i68.photobucket.com/albums/i25/Vandacross/funny/M.jpg

[ZARADOZIA]

http://i68.photobucket.com/albums/i25/Vandacross/funny/C.jpg

http://i68.photobucket.com/albums/i25/Vandacross/funny/W.jpg

http://i68.photobucket.com/albums/i25/Vandacross/funny/V.jpg

http://i68.photobucket.com/albums/i25/Vandacross/funny/securedownload.jpg

My all time favorite:
http://i68.photobucket.com/albums/i25/Vandacross/funny/B.jpg

[KORBIN5895]

Lol. Tears are running down[I][my/I] leg

[alessia55]

The dog and cat one of "They don't keep YOU on a leash because they WANT you to run away" made me laugh out loud !!!! Thanks for sharing Zaradozia!!

[ZARADOZIA]

oops forgot some:

http://i68.photobucket.com/albums/i25/Vandacross/funny/Z.jpg


http://i68.photobucket.com/albums/i25/Vandacross/funny/A.jpg


http://i68.photobucket.com/albums/i25/Vandacross/funny/Y.jpg



My other all time favorite
http://i68.photobucket.com/albums/i25/Vandacross/funny/Prozackitty.jpg

[infernalis]

This one is so completely awesome....

http://i68.photobucket.com/albums/i25/Vandacross/funny/Y.jpg

[jarich]

https://fbcdn-sphotos-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-ash4/317278_10150535384369689_716244688_11440036_537156 741_n.jpg

Slightly sarcastic, but still made me laugh

[millertime89]

better hope Stephan doesn't see this, he's got some pictures that will literally make you roll on the floor laughing.

[alessia55]

better hope Stephan doesn't see this, he's got some pictures that will literally make you roll on the floor laughing.

Yes- and not all of them are forum-appropriate ;) LOL! But hopefully he'll put some up that are

[alessia55]

Found this funny sign...

This is from a framing shop! LOL!
http://www.redrif.com/images/ff/11-11/01/ba_fresh_compilation_of_weird_and_funny_signs__bbr _br____.jpg

[snake man12]

Found this funny sign...

This is from a framing shop! LOL!
http://www.redrif.com/images/ff/11-11/01/ba_fresh_compilation_of_weird_and_funny_signs__bbr _br____.jpg

Lol what a good laugh:)

[jarich]

I dont want to start any type of religion discussion, but this one was just too funny!

http://i1234.photobucket.com/albums/ff412/jrichholt/funny.jpg

[snake man12]

OM that's the funniest thing I've seen in a while

[Gungirl]

I don't really think its that funny but I agree with it 100%

[CK SandBoas]

I love this thread! :yes:

[alessia55]

hahaha that religion one is funny. this thread always makes me laugh :yes:

[KORBIN5895]

That religious one is terrible!! Made me giggle but terrible

[ZARADOZIA]

I dont want to start any type of religion discussion, but this one was just too funny!

http://i1234.photobucket.com/albums/ff412/jrichholt/funny.jpg


I LOVE this one!!! Nice analogy! Certainly hits the nail on the head and gets the point across

[KORBIN5895]

On the head ( snicker)

[ZARADOZIA]

On the head ( snicker)

lol Actually 2 puns in that statement...Kudos for catching one of them. :D

[alessia55]

Hmmm... Zara has been on in a while... I hope she's OK! Probably just spending time with her real world family :p

Here a few funnies I found:

http://chzsomuchpun.files.wordpress.com/2011/11/funny-puns-peanut-butter-jelly-thyme.png

http://chzsomuchpun.files.wordpress.com/2011/11/964899c8-f927-4290-86bf-8982d855617b.jpg

http://chzsomuchpun.files.wordpress.com/2011/11/funny-puns-im-nuts.jpg

http://farm7.static.flickr.com/6032/6258162817_fcb364f927.jpg

[KORBIN5895]

Unfortunately I don't get the first one completely. Baseball bat I got.

[alessia55]

Unfortunately I don't get the first one completely. Baseball bat I got.

It's a play on this terrible song that came out forever ago:

Z3ZAGBL6UBA&ob=av3e

The lyrics that matter are:
"It's peanut butter jelly time (thyme)!
It's peanut butter jelly time (thyme)!
Peanut butter jelly
Peanut butter jelly
Peanut butter and a baseball bat"

[Devorah]

One of my favest headlines ever was "British Left Waffles On Falkland Islands".

[Devorah]

There was a great contest at the washington Post one year, for people to come up with new words making aplay on other worlds. Some of the best were:

Caterpallor: the colour you turn when discovering half a worm in your apple

Beelzebug: Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your room at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

Arachnoleptic fit: what follows upon having walked face first into a spider's web.(this happens to me a LOT so I've gotten used to it. Sort of. )

Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly

Intaxication: The euphoria you feel upon receiving your tax return until you realize it was your money to begin with.

[ZARADOZIA]

Communication on the job is important!

There is a factory in America which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arm. A new employee is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 0800.

The next day at 0845 there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door. The Foreman from the assembly line throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee. He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule. The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself so the 2 men march down to the factory floor.

When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up. At the end of the line stands the new employee surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's.

She has a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles. The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles, and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs. The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches the woman. "I'm sorry," he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, "but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday... Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles."

[infernalis]

That was cute... Did I actually just say cute??

[ZARADOZIA]

*!* WARNING: THIS IS COMPLETELY POLITICALLY INCORRECT, IF YOU GET OFFENDED EASILY- DO NOT READ *!*

My MIL sent this too me and I had to share. For me it is EXTREMELY funny coming from her because she is always "PROPER" - she doesn't cuss and can recite the entire bible upon request. This is her email to me in its entirety:


Irony:Warning: some are a bit shocking to come from innocent little me.../
Don't judge me, please.
Love, LaDell


Dear Noah, We could have sworn you said the ark wasn't leaving till 5. Sincerely, Unicorns

Dear Icebergs, Sorry to hear about the global warming. Karma's a bitch. Sincerely, The Titanic

Dear America, You produced Miley Cyrus. Bieber is your punishment. Sincerely, Canada

Dear Yahoo, I've never heard anyone say, "I don't know, let's Yahoo! it..." Just saying.... Sincerely, Google

Dear 2010, So I hear the best rapper is white and the president is black? What happened?! Sincerely, 1985

Dear girls who have been dumped, There are plenty of fish in the sea.... Just kidding! They're all dead. Sincerely, BP

Dear Skin-Colored Band Aids, Please make one for every skin color. Sincerely, Black people

Dear Scissors, I feel your pain.... no one wants to run with me either. Sincerely, Sarah Palin

Dear Customers, Yes, we ARE making fun of you in Vietnamese. Sincerely, Asian Nail Salon Ladies

Dear Ugly People, You're welcome. Sincerely, Alcohol

Dear World, Please stop freaking out about 2012. Our calendars end there because some Spanish d-bags invaded our country and we got a little busy ok? Sincerely, The Mayans

Dear White People, Don't you just hate immigrants? Sincerely, Native Americans

Dear iPhone, Please stop "spell checking" all of my rude words into nice words. You piece of shut. Sincerely, Every iPhone User

Dear Trash, At least you get picked up.... Sincerely, The Girls of Jersey Shore

[infernalis]

Being of (partially) native American blood, The "Dear White People, Don't you just hate immigrants? Sincerely, Native Americans" certainly did bring a half smile to my face.

We gripe about what the Nazi faction did, we call the Klan and skinheads names, but everyone seems to forget that this entire continent was once inhabited by tribes of people who were at one with nature, never took more than they needed, were proud, loyal, celebrated life, and swarms of Europeans just pulled up in ships, dropped the queens flag and plundered the once rich lands for their selfish greed.

and people wonder why I hate thanksgiving....

Sorry for my rant people, I'm not real cheery this morning. ( I probably should stay off the boards at the moment)

[ZARADOZIA]

and people wonder why I hate thanksgiving....




For my household, Thanksgiving has Nothing to do with History- It all about what we have accomplished together, and being thankful for being together, having a place to rest our heads, food on the table.

We celebrate Christmas also, but we are not Christians. For us, it's not about the meaning of where it comes from, but the meaning we decide to give it.

Basically we are disgusting optimists and will make the best of what we have.

[infernalis]

For the most part I am too, Then life blindsides ,,, Oh sweetie I'm jacking your thread.

Sorry.

[ZARADOZIA]

Pfft- can't hijack my thread, conversations flow...


1MjtpC-iIXQ

Maybe this will make you smile.

[KORBIN5895]

Oh we need a new thread on those last topics! So much to say. But I must say I giggled at the immigrants one also.

[alessia55]

LOL Zara! Loved that video. Put me in a good mood to wake up this morning :p

[Devorah]

Here is an idea i came up with in my philosophy class at age 15, i was almost EXPELLED from school fro submitting this. I believe the question we had to answer was "How can the government deal with prisoners more effectively (less reoffending) and raise money for a better society at teh same time"

My answer was ..............

We should set up "Sin Houses" - in these houses you can hire prostitutes legally, they will be given healthcare, treated as employees so that all employment laws cover them, and the prices will include a tax element that the government can collect. Also in these houses will be rooms where violent prisoners will be kept, for a price public can enter these rooms with complete impunity and do anything they like to punish these criminals, you can have additional charges for renting weapons etc to use on the criminals.

These punishment rooms will severely reduce the number of repeat offenders and remove the likelihood of prostitutes getting stuck in the drug addiction/having to prostitute themselves cycle.

Actually I'm all for implementing "caning' for minor criminal offenses- vandalism, f'r instance. Just like they have in Singapore. There is virtually no petty crme at all. It could be televised on the pay stations or live-streamed on youtube. The implement used is a rattan cane, wielded by a big strong bouncer-type guy. Rattan is known for its effect on human skin; people are left with scars. Thus, there is no possibility of "toughing it out".

[Devorah]

But, enough of that; I should share a joke on this thread, I suppose. Well, one of my faves, which i can tell to very few people, has Heisenberg (he of the "uncertainty principle") racing down the highway in a sports car. He cop stomps over to the car and angrily demands to know: Do you know how fast you were going!!!??? Heisenberg looks up at him and replies: " No, but I know where I am!"

[ZARADOZIA]

Good for a giggle- at least it made me smile.


Shaquille O’Neal’s girlfriend, Nicole Alexander, carries him piggy back on the Jimmy Kimmel show. Shaq is 7'2" 350-pounds, his Girlfriend is 5'2" and wearing high heels.

haraXnb5BVM

[KORBIN5895]

She must have some set of legs!!

[ZARADOZIA]

Liquid Confidence.


tyca5ezrldM


For the Psych Majors

lf9Jy9JQgnY

[jarich]

Love Eddie! Thanks for the laugh Zaradozia

[ZARADOZIA]

Love Eddie! Thanks for the laugh Zaradozia

My pleasure. He is my favorite too. I have been trying to decide what to get my son for xmas and finally figured it, inspired by a conversation I had with a friend last night, of which Eddie was the "instigator" so to speak...
I have purchased 5 Eddie DVD's so far for xmas, hoping to get the others too. I will be "World's Greatest Mom" again. lol Although this year I think we are going to play Scavenger Hunt with the Xmas presents. (Makes the opening last longer)

[alessia55]

Lol! That video about Pavlov's cats was really funny :p I'd never heard of Eddie Izzard before

[ZARADOZIA]

Lol! That video about Pavlov's cats was really funny :p I'd never heard of Eddie Izzard before



OMG..Child, go to YouTube, Type in Eddie Izzard, and start learning! LOL It's best if you can get the skits in order or buy the dvd's. He is a History Major and has probably forgotten more about History than we have learned. He is in a lot of movies too. I am sure you have seen them but never knew it was him. Eddie is an Icon.

On the Army
qPML-n1kRnY


On WWII
6omQ5JjjLsE

For the Christopher Walken Fans
pMraego-25o


Filmography-

Snow White and the Huntsman

Cars 2

Believe: The Eddie Izzard Story

Eddie Izzard: Live From Wembley

Every Day

Rage

The Day of the Triffids

The Riches: Season 02

Igor

The Chronicles of Narnia: Prince Caspian

Valkyrie

The Riches

Across the Universe

Ocean's Thirteen

My Super Ex-Girlfriend

The Wild

Romance & Cigarettes

The Aristocrats

5 Children & It

Eddie Izzard: Definite Article Live

Ocean's Twelve

Renegade

Eddie Izzard: Live - Sexie

Revengers Tragedy

We Know Where You Live. Live!

All The Queen's Men

The Cat's Meow

Eddie Izzard: Circle

Circus

Shadow of the Vampire

The Criminal

Eddie Izzard: Dress to Kill

Mystery Men

The Life of Python, Vol. I: It's...The Monty Python Story

The Life of Python, Vol. II

The Life of Python, Vol. III: The Lost German Episode

The Avengers

Velvet Goldmine

Eddie Izzard: Glorious

The Secret Agent

Eddie Izzard: Unrepeatable

It's Just a Ride

The Life of Python

2007 The Riches [TV Series]

[Lankyrob]

Eddie is NOT an ICON - his is a LEGEND!!! :) :) :) :) :)

[shaunyboy]

I LOVE this one!!! Nice analogy! Certainly hits the nail on the head and gets the point across

^^^^^
thats the best sign i've EVER seen pal :bouncy::bouncy::bouncy::bouncy::bouncy:

cheers shaun

[shaunyboy]

I thought the "old friends" one was kinda cute though. I'm kind of afraid of growing old though :sorry:

imo growing old means you've lived

livings what lifes all about is it not ?

so theres nothing to fear in getting old pal :bouncy::bouncy::bouncy:

cheers shaun

[ZARADOZIA]

**Disclaimer!!!
Men- DO NOT READ- You won't like it.
Women - Read it! You will Love it! (And if you don't like it, pretend you didn't read it)
Clause: These statements do not necessarily reflect my personal views, as I love the male gender,
However this is too cute to pass up.**




For all those men who say, Why buy a cow when you can get the milk for free. Here's an update for you: Nowadays, 80% of women are against marriage, WHY? Because women realize it's not worth buying an entire pig just to get a little sausage.


1. Men are like Laxatives: They irritate the crap out of you.

2. Men are like Bananas: The older they get, the less firm they are.

3. Men are like Weather: Nothing can be done to change them.

4. Men are like Blenders: You need one, but you're not quite sure why.

5. Men are like Chocolate Bars: Sweet, smooth, & they usually head right for your hips.

6. Men are like Commercials: You can't believe a word they say.

7. Men are like Department Stores: Their clothes are always 1/2 off!

8. Men are like Government Bonds: They take soooooooo long to mature.

9. Men are like Mascara: They usually run at the first sign of emotion.

10. Men are like Popcorn: They satisfy you, but only for a little while.

11. Men are like Snowstorms: You never know when they're coming, how many inches you'll get or how long it will last.

12. Men are like Lava Lamps: Fun to look at, but not very bright.

13. Men are like Parking Spots: All the good ones are taken, the rest are handicapped.

CHALLENGE:
Ok Guys- See if you can beat the list 1-13, point for point.
**Remember this is suppose to be funny, ironic, & witty.

[KORBIN5895]

As most men will probably agree that is very true , about every man but himself!

[Lankyrob]

NUMBER 13!!! Some of the best ones are handicapped :) ;) ;) :) :) ;)

[ZARADOZIA]

Smart Answers for Hard Exams:

STUDENT WHO OBTAINED 0% ON AN EXAM

Q1. In which battle did Napoleon die?
*his last battle

Q2. Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?
*at the bottom of the page

Q3. River Ravi flows in which state?
* liquid

Q4. What is the main reason for divorce?
* marriage

Q5. What is the main reason for failure?
*exams

Q6. What can you never eat for breakfast?
*Lunch & dinner

Q7. What looks like half an apple?
*The other half

Q8. If you throw a red stone into the blue sea what it will become?
*It will simply become wet

Q9. How can a man go eight days without sleeping ?
*No problem, he sleeps at night.

Q10. How can you lift an elephant with one hand?
*You will never find an elephant that has only one hand..

Q11. If you had three apples and four oranges in one hand and four apples and three oranges in other hand, what would you have ?
*Very large hands

Q12. If it took eight men ten hours to build a wall, how long would it take four men to build it?
* No time at all, the wall is already built.

Q13. How can u drop a raw egg onto a concrete floor without cracking it?
*Any way you want, concrete floors are very hard to crack.

[Lankyrob]

Thanks Zara - needed a laugh today and that gave it to me!! ;)

[ding ding]

exam questions are too funny, its amazing how creative some folk can get when they dont know the answer to something lol...

[Swany]

Zara I liked that :-) Cheers

[alessia55]

haha those were really clever :p

[Swany]

More true than funny lol

16302

16303

[Swany]

Zara one of the posts here is a male/female thing. Here's mine:-
Male/Female Definitions
1. THINGY (thing-ee) n. Female...... Any part under a car's hood. Male..... The strap fastener on a woman's bra.
2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj. Female.... Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another. Male.... Playing football without a cup.
3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n. Female... The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner. Male... Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys.
4. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n. Female.... A desire to get married and raise a family. Male...... Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.
5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n. Female.... A good movie, concert, play or book. Male...... Anything that can be done while drinking beer.
6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n. Female.... An embarrassing byproduct of indigestion. Male...... A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding.
7 MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n. Female.... The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve. Male.... Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do it.
8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n. Female.... A device for changing from one TV channel to another. Male.... A device for scanning through all 999 channels every 5 minutes.

[CK SandBoas]

That is awesome, Swany!

[ZARADOZIA]

Zara one of the posts here is a male/female thing. Here's mine:-
Male/Female Definitions
1. THINGY (thing-ee) n. Female...... Any part under a car's hood. Male..... The strap fastener on a woman's bra.
2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj. Female.... Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another. Male.... Playing football without a cup.
3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n. Female... The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner. Male... Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys.
4. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n. Female.... A desire to get married and raise a family. Male...... Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.
5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n. Female.... A good movie, concert, play or book. Male...... Anything that can be done while drinking beer.
6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n. Female.... An embarrassing byproduct of indigestion. Male...... A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding.
7 MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n. Female.... The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve. Male.... Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do it.
8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n. Female.... A device for changing from one TV channel to another. Male.... A device for scanning through all 999 channels every 5 minutes.


LOL Perfect!

[Brazen17]

I'll take your challenge and here are 10: Women are like...

1)...the stock market
They're irrational and can bankrupt you if you're not careful.

2)...computers
They take too long to warm up and a better model always comes along once you've already got one.

3)...Saran Wrap
Useful but clingy.

4)...horses
Fun to pet and ride but a pain to feed and clean up after.

5)...parking meters
If you don't feed them with enough money you face serious consequences.

6)...fax machines
Useful for one very specific purpose but otherwise just high-maintenance paperweights.

7)...political campaign contributors
If you let them talk about themselves long enough you wind up in bed with them.

8)...refrigerators
They're always cold and never seem to have a beer when you need one.

9)...blue jeans
They look good for a while but eventually they fade and have to be replaced.

10)...country western songs
They're annoying, they all sound alike, but if you really listen to them you'll get depressed and drink a lot.

[KORBIN5895]

......... wow. I think he wins.

[RandyRhoads]

Where did you find the first ones? I laughed so freakin hard when I first read these...My paramedic instructor has those printed out hanging up in class.

[Kayla90]

Smart Answers for Hard Exams:

STUDENT WHO OBTAINED 0% ON AN EXAM

Q1. In which battle did Napoleon die?
*his last battle

Q2. Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?
*at the bottom of the page

Q3. River Ravi flows in which state?
* liquid

Q4. What is the main reason for divorce?
* marriage

Q5. What is the main reason for failure?
*exams

Q6. What can you never eat for breakfast?
*Lunch & dinner

Q7. What looks like half an apple?
*The other half

Q8. If you throw a red stone into the blue sea what it will become?
*It will simply become wet

Q9. How can a man go eight days without sleeping ?
*No problem, he sleeps at night.

Q10. How can you lift an elephant with one hand?
*You will never find an elephant that has only one hand..

Q11. If you had three apples and four oranges in one hand and four apples and three oranges in other hand, what would you have ?
*Very large hands

Q12. If it took eight men ten hours to build a wall, how long would it take four men to build it?
* No time at all, the wall is already built.

Q13. How can u drop a raw egg onto a concrete floor without cracking it?
*Any way you want, concrete floors are very hard to crack.

Bahahah that's hilarious :D I've never actually been too this thread before XD I don't know why?

[Kayla90]

Wooo Polar Bears for the win!!!!
Left-Handedness all the way :P

:O But apparently I did comment of this thread before.. though I have no idea what I was talking about XD

[Kayla90]

Pfft- can't hijack my thread, conversations flow...


1MjtpC-iIXQ

Maybe this will make you smile.


Bahaha this is hilarious .. it needs to be re posted :P

[alessia55]

Found these funnies here (http://www.happyplace.com/3907/unintentionally-inappropriate-test-responses-from-children/page/1).

Clever kids....

http://static.happyplace.com/assets/images/2011/12/4efd878a26048.jpeg

http://static.happyplace.com/assets/images/2011/11/4ecbd5d4a1b12.png

http://static.happyplace.com/assets/images/2011/11/4ebc2ef68ed0c.jpg

http://static.happyplace.com/assets/images/2011/11/4ebc2ee45e48a.jpg

http://static.happyplace.com/assets/images/2011/10/4ea16f58e25d2.jpg

http://static.happyplace.com/assets/images/2011/09/4e7757faa6867.jpg

http://static.happyplace.com/assets/images/2011/09/4e775810c34ff.jpg

http://static.happyplace.com/assets/images/2011/07/4e1dc1762d169.jpg

[millertime89]

ha ha, those are awesome Alessia!
where has Zaradozia been lately? I don't think I've seen her post in a while.

[jarich]

I was just thinking the same thing and came here to add to her thread because of it. And also because I had to deal with quite a few stupid people today. The scary thing is, as George Carlin says...
http://i1234.photobucket.com/albums/ff412/jrichholt/photo1.jpg

[alessia55]

hahahaha that's so true

[Rogue628]

I was just thinking the same thing and came here to add to her thread because of it. And also because I had to deal with quite a few stupid people today. The scary thing is, as George Carlin says...
http://i1234.photobucket.com/albums/ff412/jrichholt/photo1.jpg

LOL! I love George Carlin! :D