Flatulence (the natural gas)

[infernalis]

I'd buy a $1000 snake and the power would go out for 4 days or something, I'd end up keeping it warm in a sleeping bag with body heat and farts......:no:

I have another thread idea..

[presspirate]

Phew, I was hoping that wasn't too over the top.....

[infernalis]

It would take a lot of burritos to make enough methane to run a proper heater now wouldn't it??

I have a warped sense of humour too.

[presspirate]

Most Sundays, I make a batch of 20 or so Burritos. (This week I used some dried ghost peppers that I ground up with dried onions and garlic and Sea salt. Yummy) And my wife and I take them to work for low cost lunches. I could probably heat the house some days, though no one would want to live in it.:freakedout:
Lots of people don't know how to take my sense of humor...But, I'm mostly harmless.:yes:

[Lankyrob]

Someone psted about building a house of ferret poo, if you heat it with burrito farts all you need is a tenant with no sense of smell and your sorted moneywise!!!!

[Will0W783]

Someone psted about building a house of ferret poo, if you heat it with burrito farts all you need is a tenant with no sense of smell and your sorted moneywise!!!!

OMG, you guys are too much!! But you forgot the anti-theft system: pitbull. No dog I've ever seen farts and belches as much as my pit. It's awful, but amusing.

[D&J-burgos]

OMG, you guys are too much!! But you forgot the anti-theft system: pitbull. No dog I've ever seen farts and belches as much as my pit. It's awful, but amusing.

my pit is 8 months now...and on any given day he will ruin the house with his horrid gas

[Freebody]

lol pitters are bad for that, my old pitter would be sleeping and then you would see him get up rather fast and leave the room, and sure as i seen him leave i know hes farted a silent but deadly one lol he would never stay and smell his own farts ever lol

[presspirate]

Since this has basically become the Fart Thread, or more accurately the dog fart thread. Our lab will lie next to us, and fart if he's almost asleep, he'll scare himself. If he is wide awake he'll look around like..."Who did that?":yes:

[Lankyrob]

Our Jack russell lets off some pretty nasty gas - when he smells it he looks at me as if to say "what you do that for???"!

[Will0W783]

LMAO, dogs are hilarious with their farts. Rory, my pit, has been letting loose with some really loud ones lately. She'll fart, then whip around and look at her butt with her ears cocked, and then look at me with the whites of her eyes showing! It's like she's saying, "What the heck was that? OH MAN, that's awful!! Help!"

[infernalis]

It is now the "official farting thread"... Let them rip... (pun intended)

[presspirate]

Oh man, what have I begun... :crazy2:, when I got up today and saw this thread, I LMAO'D:yes:

[Will0W783]

Beans, beans the magical fruit: the more you eat, the more you too. Beans, beans, they're good for your heart: the more you eat, the more you FART!

[infernalis]

Oh man, what have I begun... :crazy2:, when I got up today and saw this thread, I LMAO'D:yes:

Once we started down this path, it seemed to completely derail the original thread, soooo I spliced it out.

[Will0W783]

Lol, good idea Wayne. Once we get started on something off-color, there's no stopping us. Second-grade humor FTW!!!

[presspirate]

One of the production managers at work, is a real prissy little guy. He's not bad most of the time, but if you ever want to get rid of him just start talking about farts or other bodily functions. He'll turn around and walk away so quick it's like he was never there. He's one of those guys that can't even pee when someone else is in the bathroom. Keep in mind, I don't like crowded bathrooms or open stalls, but we have 3 stalls in the bathroom at work and they are all enclosed. Usually never more than one other person in there.

Which reminds me. We had a GM once that would take a dump with the stall door wide open. He'd walk in the bathroom with a newspaper and announce..."Crap time for me!" and proceed to do his business. And if there was buisness to discuss.... well he'd do it on the spot.:elvis:

[emmels705]

both my pitt and my rot can clear out a house... the pit is sneaky and silent about it, the rot has no shame haha...

[presspirate]

Someone psted about building a house of ferret poo,

That was me too. (I'm starting to look bad here.)

[infernalis]

That was me too. (I'm starting to look bad here.)


I was going to call you a scat fan but I will refrain.:yes:

[presspirate]

Oh no you didn't....kCvIw7DMHXc (I don't know the game, but the song says it all Wayne!:yes:)

[shaunyboy]

It is now the "official farting thread"... Let them rip... (pun intended)


we're bound to be the only snake forum with a fart thread,haha

presspirate if your humor is misunderstood move over here to scotland you'd fit right in here mate

you sure you dont have any scottish ancestors mate ?


cheers shaun

[Feebo]

This Utube video cheers me up when I`m sad EVERY time lol
o6vN4H6L458

[Feebo]

Why doesn`t that work for meee?! I thought I wasn`t allowed to post attachments but then I saw someone else doing it. It`s my preferred way of sharing a Utube vid. But I always get a blank square as above! Can anyone help with that? I`m typing [youtube ] and then [/youtube ] and pasting my share the video URL thing. It works everywhere else!?

[infernalis]

here is exactly what I cut from your line.....

http://www.thamnophis.us/Macro/line.gif

That part is not needed.

[Feebo]

Oh right, that`s odd I`ve not had a problem anywhere else? Ah well, now I know :) Cheers Wayne! Ere.... pull my finger lol :)

[presspirate]

:no: Don't do it Wayne!:no:

[Freebody]

i lauphed so hard watching that video, OMG what did buddy eat to get that kinda flame at the end LOL that must have burnt the hair off for sure lol

[Feebo]

LOL Yeah I do love that video :) There really aren`t many thing that can make me laugh like that every time lol Here`s another good one lol Turn the volume right up and check out this little baby`s face lol :)
cS9Bvw0L7VE

[Freebody]

LOL thats classic.

[percey39]

The baby is classic lol.

[Feebo]

I`ve had a post dissapear again! I was telling you guys about a certain Mr Methane we have over here. He`s a farting pro :)
Ofn8-3SWd8M
He holds the record for longest fart at a whole minute I think it was! I was going to post that video but it doesn`t want to play unfortunatly.....

[presspirate]

LOL Feebs, I've watched that video with my kids several times! We're waiting for him to do a tour in the states! :yes:

[Feebo]

LOL He`s actually quite talented isn`t he! lol I think I`ll post a few more of those, he can actually fart tunes along to songs aswell! lol hahahahaa :)
I found the longest fart video and it works! Here you go, the longest fart in the world brought to you by Mr Methane....
XCpPEnwQe3Q

That`s some sphinkter control!! lol

[presspirate]

That was impressive, but I think I can top that in the morning without the impressive sphincter control. He sounds like a teak kettle, and I'd hate to be in a small room with the guy!:yes:

[Feebo]

He certainly doesn`t make me want a cup of tea though lol

[presspirate]

He certainly doesn`t make me want a cup of tea though lol

Oh No! Could you imagine living with him? You wouldn't know if it was tea time, or time to clear the room!:crazy2:

[serpentshideawa]

ok i know this is older but i have two for you first one is when i was in grade school my step dad (who was drunk) thought it was a good idea to light a fart and it burned his but hairs but not his close some how and they were pulled up the other was when i was in middle school i was visiting my grandparents in indiana and we went to wal mart after dinner and this is why you dont feed older men boiled cabbage btw my grandpa cleared the store out with one fart and acted like it wasnt him lol

[bo2as]

hahahahahha o LOVE fart conversations loll there the best. my sis once farted at costco.. a lady passed by and said "hmmm smells like bacon" i sware i almost peed XD did you know.. the average persone farts 14 time daily :o

[presspirate]

My former father in law, (Old guy) Used to fart in the car when he was driving, and then lock the windows. I think the smell of puke in the car could have potentially overridden the smell of methane.

[bo2as]

hehe my dad used to that too!!

[presspirate]

We have an older guy at work too, that is in a word..... deadly. Seriously, he has made people's eyes water.

[serpentshideawa]

grandpa gave my grandma a migraine once it was funny but it wasnt

[infernalis]

6S6PPKUDGfc

[Sapphyr]

Awman, I can so relate to this thread. One, ferrets poop ALOT. I wouldn't doubt being able to build a house from it, LOL. Just would be really smelly... I own four ferrets.

Secondly, my pit farts in her sleep. I'll be at my computer and the next thing I hear is a 'pffbtbft'. Sometimes I even catch her in the act. She just looks at me like,"What? I didn't do anything, it was a bear."

And lastly, the second video linked, waking people up with farts, lighting them on fire, etc... Well, I think I've done went and wet meself. Laughed so hard I cried~ All of em are hilarious though. Love that talking animals one, I actually watch that. You ever seen the 'Night time, Day time!' one? I think they made it...

[presspirate]

I debated on sharing this and decided the humor was just too good not to. About a week ago I had a colonoscopy and an upper gi endoscopy. I won't go in to too much detail, if you don't know what that entails......google it.:sorry:

Anyways...... for various reasons, I was given an awesome cocktail of drugs. (Non recreational ) So I didn't feel a thing. (Thank goodness.:yes:) When you get a colonoscopy, they use use a lot of air to be able to maneuver the camera. (You know where this is going.) Long story short. I had both procedures done, and when they were finished, I was wheeled into the recovery room with about 6 other people that had had at least one of the two procedures done.

I awoke with severe gas pains, in a room with 6 people farting. I was number 7 even in the drugged up state I was in I recognized the humor of THAT situation. I think I was farting for about 6 or 7 hours afterwords.:crazy2:

[Lankyrob]

Lol, i feel your pain! Been there myself - did they use peppermint juice/tea? I was on the ward for about three weeks after mine (they found an abcess behind my belly button the size of a galia melon) and every night they gave us peppermint to held move the wind through as the build up of gasses can rip open internal and external stitching. Anyone with windy problems needs to incorporate peppermint into their diet and your troubles will "blow away" ;)

[presspirate]

No peppermint tea. When I got back to my room, the nurse came in to check my vitals and ask how I was feeling, I told her I felt fine, but the gas pains were something else. She says, "Just fart." Which was what I had been doing until she came in, and at the time I was lying on my side with my back to her. :yes: I have to have another one done in a month or so, I will buy some peppermint tea before then. Thanks for the tip Rob!

[Lankyrob]

No problem, hope it helps.

[infernalis]

I just get the wife to pull my finger, works a charm ;)

[presspirate]

She probably falls for it every time. While rolling her eyes and plugging her nose.:yes:

[mld]

I just get the wife to pull my finger, works a charm ;)

just don't do the pull the sheets over the head thing, I hate that!:shocked:

[Sapphyr]

Haha! xD You people are just too funny~

All this fart talk makes me think of the time when I was in Claire's with my mother(I was like.. 12 or so), and I remember my stepfather walked through the front door, ripped a HUGE one(everyone in the store probably heard it), and walked back out the door.

There was also the time when he was in an elevator with an elderly woman and he coughed and accidentally farted loudly. His fart was louder than his cough. And the lady just looked at him and waltzed out of the elevator when the door opened.

I've personally had issues with sneeze-farts. When ya sneeze so hard you accidentally fart? I hate it when that happens.

[mld]

I've personally had issues with sneeze-farts. When ya sneeze so hard you accidentally fart? I hate it when that happens.

Those sneaky little ones that you can't see coming!

I hate it when my dog farts, those are wicked!:Wow:

[Sapphyr]

Those sneaky little ones that you can't see coming!

I hate it when my dog farts, those are wicked!:Wow:

Ha! Yeah, my puppy had some pretty bad gas the other day. Man did it reek. :c ... Actually, I'd believe any dog's fart reeks.

[kernel]

When you said you opened this Wayne, I just had to post this email that been floating around for a while. I don't know how many of the members have seen it, but here it is.

Colonoscopy....hysterical!!

If you've had one you'll understand and if you haven't, your time is coming.

This is from newshound Dave Barry's colonoscopy journal:

I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make an appointment for a colonoscopy. A few days later, in his office, Andy showed me a color diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place, at one point passing briefly through Minneapolis .

Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough,20reassuring and patient manner. I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn't really hear anything he said, because my brain was shrieking, quote, 'HE'S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR BEHIND!'

I left Andy's office with some written instructions, and a prescription for a product called 'MoviPrep,' which comes in a box large enough to hold a microwave oven. I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now suffice it to say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands of America 's enemies .

I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous. Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation. In accordance with my instructions, I didn't eat any solid food that day; all I had was chicken broth, which is basically water, only with less flavor. Then, in the evening, I took the moviPrep.

You mix two packets of powder together in a one-liter plastic jug, then you fill it with lukewarm water. (For those unfamiliar with the metric system, a liter is about 32 gallons.) Then you have to drink the whole jug. This takes about an hour, because MoviPrep tastes - and here I am being kind - like a mixture of goat spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon.

The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a great sense of humor, state that after you drink it, 'a loose, watery bowel movement may result.' This is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof, you may experience contact with the ground.

MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be too graphic, here, but: Have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch? This is pretty much the MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle. There are times when you wish the commode had a seat belt. You spend several hours pretty much confined to the bathroom, spurting violently. You eliminate everything. And then, when you figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink another liter of MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the future and start eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet.

After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep. The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very nervous. Not only was I worried about the procedure, but I had been experiencing occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurtage. I was thinking, 'What if I spurt on Andy?' How do you apologize to a friend for something like that? Flowers would not be enough.

At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood and totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms said. Then they led me to a room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little curtained space and took off my clothes and put on one of those hospital garments designed by sadist perverts, the kind that, when you put it on, makes you feel even more naked than when you are actually naked

Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left hand. Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I was already lying down. Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in their MoviPrep. At first I was ticked off that I hadn't thought of this, but then I pondered what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to make it to the bathroom, so you were staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode You would have no choice but to burn your house.

When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room, where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an anesthesiologist. I did not see the 17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around there somewhere. I was seriously nervous at this point. Andy had me roll over on my left side, and the anesthesiologist began hooking something up to the needle in my hand. There was music playing in the room, and I realized that the song was 'Dancing Queen' by ABBA. I remarked to Andy that, of all the songs that could be playing during this particular procedure,20'Dancing Queen' had to be the least appropriate.

'You want me to turn it up?' said Andy, from somewhere behind me. 'Ha ha,' I said. And then it was time, the moment I had been dreading for more than a decade. If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I am going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was like.

I have no idea. Really. I slept through it. One moment, ABBA was yelling 'Dancing Queen, feel the beat of the tambourine,' and the next moment, I was back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood. Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I felt. I felt excellent. I felt even more excellent when Andy told me that It was all over, and that my colon had passed with flying colors. I have never been prouder of an internal organ.

ABOUT THE WRITER: Dave Barry is a Pulitzer Prize-winning humor columnist for the Miami Herald. On the subject of Colonoscopies... Colonoscopies are no joke, but these comments during the exam were quite humorous..... A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies:

1. 'Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before .

2. 'Find Amelia Earhart yet?'

3. 'Can you hear me NOW?'

4. 'Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?'

5. 'You know, in Arkansas , we're now legally married.'

6. 'Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?'

7. 'You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out...'

8. 'Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!'

9. 'If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!

10. 'Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.'

11. 'You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?'

12. 'God, now I know why I am not gay.'

And the best one of all.

13. 'Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?'

[millertime89]

rofl, I've read that before, but I always laugh at it.

[KORBIN5895]

First things first. The most important thing I learned in college is that you can fart into your hand and then put in your roommates face..... try it sometime.

We were playing hockey last season and the most amazing thing happened! A guy farted and literally made another guy on the bench puke! Needless to say I was thoroughly impressed.

[EasternGirl]

My yellow lab, may she rest in peace (she died last year), used to fart all the time. She had these wicked, wicked farts that we called "swamp farts"...that would be "silent but violent"...and would completely clear the room. Someone in my family would say "Swamp fart!" and we would all get up and run out of the room...and my poor dog would be sitting there with this look on her face like "What?"...

[ZARADOZIA]

I debated on sharing this and decided the humor was just too good not to. About a week ago I had a colonoscopy and an upper gi endoscopy. I won't go in to too much detail, if you don't know what that entails......google it.:sorry:

Anyways...... for various reasons, I was given an awesome cocktail of drugs. (Non recreational ) So I didn't feel a thing. (Thank goodness.:yes:) When you get a colonoscopy, they use use a lot of air to be able to maneuver the camera. (You know where this is going.) Long story short. I had both procedures done, and when they were finished, I was wheeled into the recovery room with about 6 other people that had had at least one of the two procedures done.

I awoke with severe gas pains, in a room with 6 people farting. I was number 7 even in the drugged up state I was in I recognized the humor of THAT situation. I think I was farting for about 6 or 7 hours afterwords.:crazy2:


Been there done that...you are NOT alone. My issue..I woke mid-way through the colonoscopy procedure. I was facing the monitor and said, "Oh cool, is that me?" followed by, "OMG THAT HURTS" and then I was out again. I warned them thst cocktails don't last long on me...not the first time I have became lucid during a procedure, scary business!!

On the upside, it was great to have a fail-safe excuse to have the walking farts. It's one of my husband's pet peaves and it tickled me to no end to fart around him for the first time.

[Norm66]

Best thread ever. I'm glad to know that it's not just our dogs who have gas. Our golden retriever occasionally does the 'who me?' thing and leaves the room. The others just own up to theirs mostly. hehehe

Our cats do it too. Our oldest, Sadie (Sexy Sadie from the Beatles song) will rip one off that would work for pepper spray in a pinch.

We feed a really high quality kibble for both the dogs and cats. No grains, all natural ingredients etc. We consider it preventive maintenance and so far it's worked out really well with the added benefit of smaller amounts of scat to deal with. Unfortunately the side-effect is noxious gas.

But still the worst gas I can ever remember came from my college roommate after a night of drinking cheap, draft beer at a party. It literally cleared out a large drafting room, even the teacher. At that point the teacher instituted a $2 "fine" for all gas incidents to go along with the $.50 and $1 swearing fines. He had no choice really, we all drank cheap, draft beer all the time.

[Lankyrob]

^^^^ Me and a mate stayed in a caravan for a week on holiday - went out and the pub we went in had a deal on Newcastle Brown Ale - that stuff is a methane factory!!!

In the morning we had to open all windows and doors in that caravan for a good HOUR just to clear teh fumes!!

[EasternGirl]

Thanks to this thread my son is now looking up dog farts on youtube and watching the videos to no end....lol!

[CK SandBoas]

My dog Julie has literally cleared out a room with her farts, lol. She also let loose with an epic one right in my face one night, which had me falling out of bed, it was so stinky:p

[millertime89]

^^^^ Me and a mate stayed in a caravan for a week on holiday - went out and the pub we went in had a deal on Newcastle Brown Ale - that stuff is a methane factory!!!

In the morning we had to open all windows and doors in that caravan for a good HOUR just to clear teh fumes!!

Newcastle is amazing! And yes, yes it is.

[It'sKourtneyYo]

Hahah! Well this is hilarious!
My dog, Dylan and my grandmas dog, Savannah always fart and make my dad leave the room everytime they do. It's so funny and sometimes when Dylan does it loud he looks at his butt and is like wtf?

[Rogue628]

My dog Julie has literally cleared out a room with her farts, lol. She also let loose with an epic one right in my face one night, which had me falling out of bed, it was so stinky:p


I had a husband who did that to me once...:shocked: