Best One-Liners

[Yness]

In light of all of the "serious" threads going on right now I have decided to start a light hearted thread, lets get our 1 liners in now, pick up lines, question/answer, puns, anything to get a laugh BUT keep in mind that we don't want to offend people also on that note people keep in mind its HUMOUR (OR for our American people)....here's to start it all off,

Just out of curiousity, are your parents siblings?


Yness

EDIT: The idea here is short jokes BTW

[bear24]

Whats a mad herper on the net? Banned

I think its funny

[reptiguy420]

lmao bear

[Yness]

So I am gonna try to keep this thread alive.....

Your village called, they want their idiot back!

[Cruciform]

If you were any more dense you'd have your own event horizon.

Nerd humor :)

[crazy4reptiles]

.

[Siretsap]

A bargain is something you don't need at a price you can't resist

A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it.

A celebrity is someone who works hard all his life to become known and then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognised.

A computer beat me at chess once.
But, it was no match for me at kick boxing.

A conclusion is simply the place where you got tired of thinking.

[crazy4reptiles]

"100,000 sperm and you were the fastest?"

"Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home."

"Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder."

"Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film"

"Forget world peace. Visualize using your turn signal. "

"If you can read this, I can slam on my brakes and sue you! "

"If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments. "

"Multitasking means screwing up several things at once"

"Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark."

"The shortest distance between two points is under construction"

"There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't."

" The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a flat tire"

"Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them."

[CamHanna]

Originally posted by crazy4reptiles
"Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them."


LMFAO, it's funny 'cause it's true.

[HeatherRose]

A baby seal walks into a club...

[Matt.B]

ewwwwww lol

[andytheboa]

"the most Venomous snake is the one that bites you " (old yes, funny ???)

[BoidKeeper]

-I'll try to be nicer if you try to be smarter. Stole it from Invitus.
-Her name is Summer because she has summer teeth. Some are here and some are there.
Cheers,
Trevor

[Kimbits]

There are 10 types of people in this world; those who understand binary and those who don't.

[HeRpZ03]

"Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder."
I've been laughing at this one for almost 3 minutes straight hahahaha

[Invictus]

-- Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

Best bumper sticker EVER:

Honk if you want to see my gun!

[Artemis]

hahahahaha loving the eagles and weasels ken, and the missed carpayments one was a scream too!

These ones always make me laugh:

Horn broken, watch for finger. (as a bumpersticker moreso than a one liner)

Work Harder, millions on welfare depend on you.

Earth First, we'll screw up the other planets later.

Jesus is coming, everyone look busy.

Jesus loves you, everyone else thinks your an ***hole!


Peace out

Artemis

[Samba]

"Unlike computers, women reject 3 1/2 FLOPPYS"

THE best Bumper Sticker EVER!!! LOL This one's on my truck! =)

[Vengeance]

"Obey gravity, It's the law!"

"You know you're an engineer if you have no life & can prove it mathematically. "

"When I want your opinion, I'll beat it out of you "

"Time flies when you are sick and psychotic. "

"The ozone layer or cheese in a spray can. Dont make me choose. "

"The beatings will continue until morale improves. "

"Make it idiot-proof, and someone will make a better idiot. "

"If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat? "

"I dont know what your problem is, but I'll bet its hard to pronounce. "

"I cant be fired,slaves are sold. "

"Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defense. "

"90% of being smart is knowing what you're dumb at. "

[corr]

Originally posted by Vengeance
"If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat? "


ROFL :D I'm gonna use this on my daughter! She wants to become a vegetarian and I keep telling her we need meat! :D

[daver676]

"So many stupid people, so few meteorties."

"Nice pants. But they would look better on my floor."

"Keep honking. I'm reloading."

"My dad can beat up your Dad!"

"I bent my wooky."

"He's been feeding that potato for 2 weeks."

[TheRedDragon]

Awww... how cute, he thinks he's a people!

How can I miss you if you don't go away?

Don't piss me off, I'm running out places to hide the bodies.

I do what the voices in my head tell me to do.

In heaven, all the interesting people are missing.

Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, mortal, for thou art crunchy and taste good with ketchup. :D

What am I? Flypaper for freaks!

[Knightmare113]

"Honk if you want to see my gun" Thats awesome.

Here's a few more:

"If practice makes perfect, and Nobodys perfect, Then why pratice?"

Few more for the veggies here

"There's plenty of room for all of Gods animals. Right next to the mashed potatoes."

"VEGETERIAN: Old Indian word for poor hunter"

I,ve got that one right next to my snake viv. Always gets a chuckle for those who see it.

And for those other Americans:
"Protect the second ammendment, it's the one that protects all the rest"

[ChurleR]

Heart attacks -- Mother Nature's way of getting back at those that eat all the animals.

;)

[Chelydraman]

Here are a few my friend made up that I think are funny

"If I was the A&W Bear I would take advantage of my celebrity status to score with chicks"

"If you eat cats eat the red one's last for @#$@ sakes eat the red ones last"

"I think the car from Knight Rider stole my wallet"

"The single biggest mistake the smurfs ever made was giving me their magic flute"

"Ya know what I hate? I hate it when people come up behind me grab my a** and say "Just like Mom's" I hate that"

and that's all I got for now

[justinO]

I don't suffer from Insanity, I enjoy every minute of it..

True story: one time, just to see their reaction, i told somebody that the apocolypse was in my pants.. they replied with "just because you have a small ****, it's not the end of the world"...

[VI Reptiles]

You know your addicted to the internet when....

you kiss your gf's home page

your bookmark takes 15 mins to scroll up and down

your eyeglasses have a website burned into them

you find yourself brainstorming for new subjects to search

you refuse to go to a vacation spot with no electricity and no phone lines

you finally take the vacation, but only after buying a cellular modem and a laptop

You spend half the plane trip with your lap top on your lap..... and your child in the overead compartment

All your daydreaming is preoccupied with getting a faster connection to the net: 28.8...ISDN...cable modem...T1... T3

And even your night dreams are in HTML

you find yourself "com" after every period when using a word processor.com.

You refer as going to the bathroom as downloading - one of my favorits

Your heart races faster and beats irregularly each time you see a new WWW site adress in prin or on TV, even though youv never had heart problems before.

You step out of your room and realize your parents have moved and you dont have a clue when they left.

You turn on the intercom when leaving the room so you hear when a e-mail arrives.

Your wife drapes a blond wig over the monitor to remind you of what she looks like

all of your friends have an @ in there name.

When looking at a pagefull of somone else's likes, you notice all of them are highlighted in purple.

your dog has his/her own home page

Youv already visited all the links at yahoo and half way through lycos

you cant call your mother, she doesnt have a modem

you realize there is no sound in the house and you have no idea where your children are.

I will list more later i have 39 more jokes.......................

[JimmyDavid]

I'm not trying to make a fool out of you. You can manage that by yourself.

[michaelman25]

funny question



if someone has a split personalitly and they threaten to kill themselves is it a hostage situation?

[zero&stich]

Youth is in the eye of the beholder. At 65, your body craps out!

I love New York. It's the Damn Yankies I hate!(Best bumper ever)

[Daimon]

" PEACE " Through superior firepower!

[McCarthy Boas]

All the guy I work with must be "GAY" because every time I walk away from them I hear them say "what a a$$"

[doenoe]

"Make love, not war.............get STD's and more"

[clint545]

"I didn't come here to be insulted."
"Where do you go? I'll meet you there."

"I just got back from the beauty parlour."
"Closed, were they?"

Money is the root of all evil.
The lack of money is the root of all evil - Mark Twain

[kerri4776]

Originally posted by clint545
"I didn't come here to be insulted."
"Where do you go? I'll meet you there."




lmao

[damzookeeper]

chinese proverbs:
-verginity like bubble, one prick, all gone.
-man who run in front of car get tired.
-man who run behind car get exhausted.
-man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.
-man with one chopstick go hungry.
-man who scratch arse should not bite finger nails.
-man who eat many prunes get good run for money.
-Baseball is wrong:man with four balls can not walk.
-Panties not best thing on earth but next to best thing on earth.
-man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.
-it take many nails to build crib, but only one screw to fill it.
-man who live in glass houses should change clothes in basement.
-man who fart in church sit in own pew.

And my favorite two. lol
-War does not determine who is right. war determine who is left.
-man who stand on toilet is high on pot.

other bumper stickers, one liners and saying I love.
-Gone crazy be back soon.
-Money talks, it just never says when it's coming back.
-I have a very responsible job here, I'm responsible for everything that goes wrong!
-
THis is my motto. lol
-I'm going to live within my income even if I have to borrow money to do it!

"come on, I dare you, mother in law in trunk"

Don't laugh it's paid for!

If you can't beat them join them. If you can't join them, RAT them out!

[Phrasty]

yeah yeah yeah!! at least I'll be sober in the morning, you'll still be ugly!

Phrasty

[damzookeeper]

Originally posted by Phrasty
yeah yeah yeah!! at least I'll be sober in the morning, you'll still be ugly!

Phrasty

lol, I love that one!!

[CallDawg]

alittle late but

here are a few I enjoy

colder than a witches T***y in a cast iron bra on the shady side of an iceberg.

IF she got any dumber she'd have to be watered twice a week.

if you choke a smurf what colour does it turn?

way late I know, but thought I would share

[CallDawg]

and also

He is so cheap he could squeeze a nickle till the beaver farts

[Tim and Julie B]

If you are what you eat, I'm fast and cheap.

I'm big in Europe.

I do what my rice krispies tell me to.

I'm the Irishman your mother warned you about.

[Minnow]

All that aside Mrs. Kennedy,
How was the rest of your trip to Dallas?

[peterm15]

blah blah blah.. who gives a s@#$...

well la-de-f@#$%n-da

"im trying to see things from your point of view, but i cant stick my head that far up my a$$"

"regretibly, all the good paying jobs start before i get up"

"drink till shes cute... stop before the wedding"

"mean people suck"

"dont be a ****"

" he who laughs last thinks slowest"

"i can only please one person a day, todays not your day and tomorrows not looking good either"

"canadian chicks rock... american chicks suck" (think dirty)

"beer... helping ugly ppl have sex since 1840"

"marijauna, a proud supporter of the snack food industry"

"marijauna, at least its not crack"

thats all i can think of right now..

[Senator Gracken]

my imaginary friend thinks you have serious issues

[crazy4reptiles]

"Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks"

"Borrow money from a pessimist, they don't expect it back"

"Consciousness: That annoying time between naps"

"Duct tape is like the force, it has a light side and a dark side and it holds the universe together"

"For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain"

"Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies"

"Friends may come and go, but enemies tend to accumulate"

"I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder"

"I didn't say it was your fault. I said I was going to blame you"

"If you can't convince them, confuse them"

"Never miss a good chance to shut up"

"The more you complain, the longer God makes you live"

"When there's a will, I want to be in it"

[Ryan Pye]

A couple of my favorites

" Im fat and your ugly, but at least I can diet" - (I'm actually not fat, so no offence yo the fat or the ugly)

" If I wanted to hear from an a$$hole, I'd fart"

" If I wanted your opinion I'd give it to you"

Ryan

[Senator Gracken]

You'll never be the man your mother was!

You will be winged by an anti-aircraft battery.

Q: What's tan and black and looks great on a lawyer?
A: A doberman.

While you recently had your problems on the run, they've regrouped and
are making another attack.

You attempt things that you do not even plan because of your extreme stupidity.

Q: What's hard going in and soft and sticky coming out?
A: Chewing gum.

You will be attacked by a beast who has the body of a wolf, the tail of
a lion, and the face of Donald Duck.

[Ryan Pye]

More...

" There is no "I" in TEAM, but there's "ME" though"

"The best part of you ended up as a stain on the sheet"

Pick up line - "Do you sleep on your stomach/"
she say's - "No"
- "Can I?"

[Terri]

Why do they call it " Tourist Season"

When we are not allowed to shoot them?

[HumphreyBoagart]

"If your parents got a divorce, would they still be cousins?"

(sorry, no offence to inbreds!)

[nita]

On a bumper sticker:

Stop the inbreeding, Ban country music

From Kevin Spencer:

I can lose weight, you can't lose the stupid.

[Sunrunner]

best 1 liner ever...

"hold my beer while I kiss your girlfriend"

Best Licence plate,

WAS HIS

Best house sign,

No dog, snake ate him!
BEWARE.

[mcfreshdeli]

THis one came from when me and my dad had THE TALK This is all he said to me. I'll never forget this.

Do you know what happens when a condom breaks. (then he pointed at me)

I obviously missed the point though. now i get to reuse that line in the future.

[kpugh]

Worst pick up line ever - I actually had this one tried on me:

Your daddy must have been one heck of a farmer... 'cause you sure have nice melons!

[sturiches2000]

This is a cheesy one liner I like to use. It usually gets a good laugh from my buddies when I bust this one out.


Its more of a response to something any chick that says this to you, and I garantee that at least one chick will proclaim this of herself, you just have to remember and watch out for it.

Any chick that proclaims that she is trouble, you immediatly follow up with, "That's all right, I always liked to get 'into' trouble".

And if she's not a morron, she'll catch on.

[Slipknot]

"My tapeworm tells me what to do."

[Sunrunner]

Originally posted by Slipknot
"My tapeworm tells me what to do."

LMFAO!!!!
Nice

[mcfreshdeli]

"I like to cuddle. But there's just such a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they cant get away."

" The jesus of cool" - ( I have a hat that says that"

" I just installed a skylight. My upstairs neighbors are furious."

" I'm bulemic... You can read minds."

[Slipknot]

Originally posted by Sunrunner
LMFAO!!!!
Nice

I thought someone would like that. :)

[Dave_18]

"If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by candlelight."
AND
"Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, 'Where have I gone wrong?' Then a voice says to me, 'This is going to take more than one night.' "

[Slipknot]

Always read stuff that will make you look good if you die in the
middle of it.

It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a
warning to others.

Never buy a car you can't push.

Since it's the early worm that gets eaten by the bird, sleep late.

When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

Birthdays are good for you. The more you have, the longer you live.

Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once.

[boyblue]

if it was worth doing i would have done it already

everyone is entitled to be stupid but your abusing the privelege

trust me-yellow snow is not a new flavor

being good at stupid doesnt count

i refuse to engage in a battle of wits with an unarmed person

an optimist is a loser who doesnt know it yet

i dont discriminate, i hate everone

trust your instincts people really dont like you

2nd place is 1st loser

growing old is mandatory growing up is optional

fat people are hard to kidnap

save the trees, wipe your @$$ with an owl

do you wash your cloths with windex?
cuz i can see myself in your panties

[Boakid]

Dunno if we've had this one, but

Go play with the traffic

[nita]

A few more I like.

I'll try anything once twice if I like it. ( I used to have this on a t-shirt back in high school :) )

Dogs fine beware of wife.

I have one nerve left and your getting on it.

Lack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on mine.