Invictus
05-21-04, 03:00 PM
Welcome to Alberta. Thank you for visiting our beautiful province.Here are a few things you ought to know to make your stay more pleasant:
1. That slope-shouldered farm boy you are snickering at did more work before breakfast than you will do all week at the gym.
2. It's called a "gravel road." No matter how slow you drive, you're going to get dust on your BMW. I have a 4-wheel drive because I need it. Now drive or get it out of the way.
3. We all started hunting and fishing when we were nine-years-old. Yeah, we saw Bambi die. We got over it.
4. Any references to "grain fed" when talking about our women will get your butt kicked...by our women.
5. Pull your pants up, and turn your hat around. You look like an idiot.
6. If that cell phone rings while a bunch of mallards are making their final approach, we will shoot it. You might hope you don't have it up to your ear at the time.
7. No, there's no "Vegetarian Special" on the menu. Order steak. Order it rare. Or, you can order the Chef's Salad and pick off the two pounds of ham and turkey.
8. Yeah, we have sweetened ice tea. It comes sweetened, you don't need a glass with two packets of sugar and a long spoon.
9. You bring Coke into my house you better bring rye along, and ice.
10. So you have a sixty-thousand-dollar car. We're real impressed. We have quarter-million-dollar combines that we use two weeks a year.
11. Let's get this straight. We may have one stoplight in town, but we stop when it's red. We may even stop when it's yellow.
12. Our women hunt, fish, and drive trucks because they want to. So, you're a feminist. Isn't that cute.
13. Yeah, we eat trout, northern pike, walleye and perch, too. If you really want sushi and caviar, it's available at the bait shop.
14. They are pigs and cows. That's what they smell like. Get over it. Don't like it? Highways #1 and #16 go two ways- get on one of them. The more people that leave, the better the hunting & fishing.
15. The "Opener" refers to the first days of fishing and hunting season. They are religious holidays. No one will fix your breakfast on the Opener. You can get breakfast at the church.
16. So what if every person in every pick-up waves? It's called being friendly. Understand the concept?
17. Yeah, we have golf courses, more per person than anywhere else on earth. Don't hit into the water hazards. It spooks the damn fish. And stay out of the woods, that spooks the deer.
Please enjoy your stay.
1. That slope-shouldered farm boy you are snickering at did more work before breakfast than you will do all week at the gym.
2. It's called a "gravel road." No matter how slow you drive, you're going to get dust on your BMW. I have a 4-wheel drive because I need it. Now drive or get it out of the way.
3. We all started hunting and fishing when we were nine-years-old. Yeah, we saw Bambi die. We got over it.
4. Any references to "grain fed" when talking about our women will get your butt kicked...by our women.
5. Pull your pants up, and turn your hat around. You look like an idiot.
6. If that cell phone rings while a bunch of mallards are making their final approach, we will shoot it. You might hope you don't have it up to your ear at the time.
7. No, there's no "Vegetarian Special" on the menu. Order steak. Order it rare. Or, you can order the Chef's Salad and pick off the two pounds of ham and turkey.
8. Yeah, we have sweetened ice tea. It comes sweetened, you don't need a glass with two packets of sugar and a long spoon.
9. You bring Coke into my house you better bring rye along, and ice.
10. So you have a sixty-thousand-dollar car. We're real impressed. We have quarter-million-dollar combines that we use two weeks a year.
11. Let's get this straight. We may have one stoplight in town, but we stop when it's red. We may even stop when it's yellow.
12. Our women hunt, fish, and drive trucks because they want to. So, you're a feminist. Isn't that cute.
13. Yeah, we eat trout, northern pike, walleye and perch, too. If you really want sushi and caviar, it's available at the bait shop.
14. They are pigs and cows. That's what they smell like. Get over it. Don't like it? Highways #1 and #16 go two ways- get on one of them. The more people that leave, the better the hunting & fishing.
15. The "Opener" refers to the first days of fishing and hunting season. They are religious holidays. No one will fix your breakfast on the Opener. You can get breakfast at the church.
16. So what if every person in every pick-up waves? It's called being friendly. Understand the concept?
17. Yeah, we have golf courses, more per person than anywhere else on earth. Don't hit into the water hazards. It spooks the damn fish. And stay out of the woods, that spooks the deer.
Please enjoy your stay.