Non-creature loving significant others

[~Suntiger~]

Hey, I was just wondering: what do you do when your bf or gf hates your animals, or just doesn't see the appeal? My boyfriend is like that, I mean he doesn't outright hate them but he sure doesn't see what I see in them (especially the tarantulas!) He thinks I spend too much money on them, but they are my babies and mean the world to me. And just now, when I was all excited telling him about a few new additions that I just got (and I think you're all familiar with how great of a feeling it is to have new animals) I got hung up on! What the heck is that all about?? And what do I do?

Also, it's not like this is some guy I could care less about, I really do care about him so I'm not just going to ditch him over this, like I would if he were someone I'd just met. I'm feeling very frustrated at the moment!!!

[Katt]

Bah. I'd say ditch hiim! What do you plan to do? Get married and put up with not liking your animals? Possibly forcing you to get rid of them?

Some guy who would hang up on you when you're excited about something, is not a guy who really cares about your feelings.

[chas*e]

LOL...my wife dislikes all my snakes,"no snakes in Ireland" she always says(she's Irish)...but I have them in a separate room and she doesn't mind too much....nothing I can do about the situation so I live with it..lol....she does her thing I do mine.

[Dani33]

My husband doesn't really understand my attraction to them either. Today actually was the first time he has ever held one of my snakes. I just explained to him that it is my hobby and that there is very little he can do about me keeping them. I've explained it to people that it is just a hobby. My husband plays squash, goes the gym, take flying lessons whatever. This is mine. I am allowed to have a hobby too. He understands, just doesn't get involved. I am ok with that. I hope that your boyfriend comes to an understanding as well.

Whenever I talk about them, his eyes just glaze over. He is respectful enough to listen but, he doesn't care too much. Maybe tell him that he doesn't have to like but should try to accept it. It is definately rude to hang up on you for talking about it.

My husband has come to like it in a way. He doesn't have to go shopping for me for gifts. He just takes me to get them.

[JoeBradley]

Whenever I talk about them, his eyes just glaze over.

If I could only count the times I have seen my wife's eyes glaze over. She absolutely hates my snakes and forbids me from taking my daughter to my snake building every time I go (I take her anyway). We have come to the conclusion that we will always disagree on this issue. I never try to scare her with my reptiles and respect her view. I get the same glazed look in my eyes when she starts talking about her scrapbooking or sewing. It is a two-way road.
The hanging up the phone on you is a whole different issue. If I ever hung up on my wife I would need the phone surgically removed from..... You deserve better than that.

Joe

[Shane Tesser]

Jenn, confront the issue...ive been in your shoes and its a hard one. I think most relationships have one or two sore spots when it comes to certain likes and dislikes. He may never and probably will never fully come to understand what you see in so many of your animals. But perhaps there is a certain animal that he enjoys? Maybe focus on what he likes and perhaps purchase this animal if at all possible. When he sees the care and joy you also take in it, he may come around a bit. I remember having the old, well i love these things speech and its a hard one. Hobbies and similarities are always mountains that you have to come over. Try telling your g/f that your going to spend 20k on an engine for your car! As far as breaking up....i dont think thats a solution. This time of the year seems to bring out alot of strange behaviour in alot of ppl. Perhaps its something more bothering him thats the underlining issue? Best of luck to you! :D

[arachnomania]

I say ditch him, LOL...jk! I do however think that hanging up on you is way overboard but hey if you love him, you love him. I just think that if he really loved you that he would understand your passion especially him knowing that you work in a zoo! I mean being i a relationship is about trust and honesty but above all is to accept the other as he'she is without influencing their decisions.
Take care of YOURSELF!

[Youkai]

I'm more interested in the fact that he hung up on you. It doesn't matter if likes them or not, that was pretty disrespectful and rude. I agree wit Katt's comments...

As for me, my boyfriend (who I live with) understands why I like them, even though they do not appeal to him that much. As long as I take care of them, and they do not hurt me financially or otherwise, he doesn't care what I do regading them.

[Zoe]

From a cold, antisocial (lol) point of view: ditch him. If someone hung up on me when I was excited about a new herp, I'd say f**k 'im! It's one thing not to be interested, but another thing to hang up on you.
Like Shane said, you may want to ask him about it first, but I don't know, it doesn't even sound like he respects your hobby.

Zoe

[sapphire_moon]

Originally posted by ~Suntiger~
(and I think you're all familiar with how great of a feeling it is to have new animals) I got hung up on! What the heck is that all about
I'm feeling very frustrated at the moment!!!


I know what you mean. In the begining My partner wasn't exactly reptile oriented. I was constantly saying things like "well on the website" "well so and so said" and "I seen the cutest pic of a *insert cute rep pic!* on sSnakeSs.com You have to come and see it!" She just wasn't into it like I am.
I'm sure she got/gets frusterated *Sp* over me spending tons of my free time here and talking about herps so often. But she takes it with a grain of salt and "I lover her as she is, herps and all"attitude . Now she has her own corn snake (motley amel in my sig.) and has a list ALMOST as long as mine. :)
I can see not liking them. But just out right hanging up on you! That was rude and uncalled for.I can only imagine what he would do if you were trying to show him a brand new spiderling (I think thats what their called? I don't keep tarantulas!) I personally would not stay with someone that couldn't even tolerate me talking about it, not to mention trying to show them what I got!

Maybe sit down and talk to him about it, start listening a lot (not saying you don't!) and you will pick up on something that he always talks about. Be it food, cats, baseball, football, hockey, hair, whatever, there is something that he will always talk about it. Then when he calls and starts to talk about it, Hang up! lol JK

Just tell him how bad it hurt you and that your "animals" are more like your kids than your pets.....Goodluck!

[Stockwell]

Years pass, but still things remain the same.
This is an old problem that has confronted herpers in relationships forever.
My wife really has no use for my reptiles and doesn't even keep track of what I am working with from one year to another.
I had herps when I met her and I still have both her and herps, a quarter century later, but it's been touch and go on occasion.
She isn't really herp negative, just herp neutral, but its very much ONLY my hobby/business.
She has nothing to do with it, and wont even attend shows with me. It can be both painfull and nice.
My obsession has caused major problems in the past, as it really is an addiction and potentially quite damaging. Self Admission of the problem is the first step in correction, and seeking a balance.
I actually think it's better when an addicted herper(or other creature lover) is hooked up with someone who couldn't care less. This allows contrasts in viewpoints, which leads inturn to some serious introspection and this eventually allows a sort of balance to prevail.
Herpers that are involved with herpers frequently end up melting down, as they sometimes power each others addiction frequently to ruin, just like two gamblers or two substance abusers.
There are a very few that seem to survive, like Bill and Kathy Love and the Barkers, but the list of busted up herpers, is much longer.
Herpers and other animal obsessives traditionally are very poor at human relationships. The reason is simple. We can, at times, have little else on our minds and that doesn't leave much room for relationship building and maintenance.
If your boyfriend is hanging up on you, I suspect, he's near the end of his rope, and is probably suffering from lack of maintenance and feels
like an outsider in your world that perhaps affords too little time for him.
Have a good heart to heart with him, and see if I'm right
I've been there, and still am, as I sit her thawing mice and typing on this damn box while she's upstairs watching designer guys!

[Katt]

Roy, well said!!

I personally can't imagine what it's like being with a person who does not understand nor share my passion/addiction, but to parallel Roy, there have been times when our mutal obessesion has come between Vanan and I. As for powering each other to ruiniation. Well as I said before, Vanan is one of those rare herpers with "self restraint" and when he seems me go off the deep end he's there to knock some sense into me. Before each purchase we discuss, and each new animal, must be ok'd by the other. There have been times, when I have stopped Vanan and many when he has stopped me.

Anywho, I think the most important part here is not your b/f's lack of interest in your hobby, but his flagrant disregard for your feelings. That is the real crux of the matter.

[Invictus]

I guess Erin and I are some of the lucky ones, because we don't really fuel each others' addictions to herps, but the fact that we share the same passion for them is something that is extremely important to me. I honestly don't think I could be with someone who didn't get as excited as I do over getting a new snake. It's also nice to have someone who can take care of a snake while the other person cleans the enclosure! :D

[~Suntiger~]

It's nice to know that I'm not the only person under the sun who's ever experienced this (not that I thought that, but you know what I mean.) Thank you all for sharing your stories and advice, it has helped to keep things in perspective. I won't be seeing him until tomorrow (he's on nights) so I have a bit more than 12 hours to figure out exactly what I plan to say. Keep your fingers crossed for me, lol!

[gonesnakee]

If you are serious about your reptiles always being as part of your life you will be best off with someone that also is. One of the biggest reasons my GF moved out was because she was jealous of the snakes & the amount of time I had to spend with them this summer during breeding season. She tried to get involved lots of times for my sake, but was never really into it. It ended up being a wedge that was always being driven between us. One must find someone that shares their passions in life or get used to not being happy about things that should bring you joy. Based on him hanging up, you have already reached a point in your relationship where your herps have become a negative factor. Some couples can be opposites in hobbies, interests etc. & still make out fine, but some have seperate bedrooms & take seperate vacations etc. also too. Think about your long term happiness & what would be best for the future before becoming involved in a "losing relationship" Seriously, Mark
P.S. Herps are way easier to love, they only require the basics in life to be happy, unlike us mammals. Also they don't talk back or make fun of me when I talk to myself & laugh at my own jokes. ; )

[Dragoon]

holy smokes, what an interesting thread to find!
Significant others come and go, that is the way of things, but your hobbies sustain you. I couldn't imagine choosing to be with someone who wasn't slightly interested in my main hobby...they are living things, you can't just pack them away in the closet for a year or so to avoid arguments.
And I'd hate to have a partner that couldn't be trusted to care for them if I was sent to the hospital or something. Accidents happen, why have a partner that doesn't take care of you and yours? Isn't that why we partner up? Someone to share things with?
D.

[marisa]

HAHAHA I don't care what the conversation is about, if my BF hung up on me we would have a HUGE problem. That's the most childish rude thing.

Marisa

[nolagurl]

I'm fortunate that my fiance doesn't mind my snakes. I think he even likes them. :-) He'll never like them the way I do but I'm fine with that.

Does your boyfriend think your animals are *gross* or does he just not understand why you keep them?
My mom is scared to death of snakes. My sister didn't like them initially (mom's irrational fear rubbing off on her) but I eventually got my sister to like them. She even took pictures with my BCI draped around her shoulders!

Maybe there's a way you can *trick* him into liking them. lol

[~Suntiger~]

Nolagurl: he isn't grossed out by them, and has even admitted to liking to watch them once in awhile, but he just doesn't see them in the same light I do. He IS afraid of the tarantulas (especially the goliath!) At any rate, in his defense he's grown to have a lot more appreciation than he used to -- that's for sure! Used to scare the crap out of him to come in and find me with a snake in my hair or something, lol. He's even fed a few and held them a few times, so he's not as bad as he sounds! ;)
Actually, he's a really awesome guy and I think we're just having a rough spot and the herps are just the way he's showing his side at the moment.

[mykee]

I agree with most that him not liking the reptile thing is something that can be worked on, but the hanging up on bit is a lack of respect on his behalf. That goes far beyond his dislike fo your hobby. That needs to be discussed rather than his dislike of your interest.

[SerpentLust]

I know how you feel, not only my partner, but my friends are like that. It's hard, especially when you're excited about something you purchased, something you've learned, etc. It's like you have no one to talk to.

I got lucky though, my partner didn't actually dislike reptiles, he was deathly afraid of them. So I slowly moved him away from that fear. First I made him hold my Spotted Python's tail, then so on and so on, and eventually he came to at least tolerate them.

He's even thinking of purchasing a Male Fat Tail gecko to mate with the females I'll be getting. :) Sometimes it just takes patience. But other times, people are just plain pig headed (aka hanging up)

Jenn

[ChristinaM]

My partner is not the least bit interested in my herps. My last purchase, a BRB, is my last herp. I made that promise to him ( of course, my BRB's name is Promise) that no more. This is his house too, and I respect that he does not enjoy having herps/fish in every room of the house (they aren't, but they are in most rooms). Not to mention the financial aspect of it as well.

He would not leave me or kick me out if I brought home another, but it would cause some serious probs, and I won't jeopardise things.

Bottom line....he doesn't like my herps, but deals with them pretty well. If I was unable, he would feed and care for them.

[chas*e]

The thing that I never do is drop my passion for anyone, significant or not. If you have a balance and try to maintain a level where you are not only thinking and doing with your reptiles then you can function in a relationship. It can be hard but it is like anything else, Harleys, reptiles, hockey whatever...if it is a problem of the other being too needy well then..live your life

[djc3674]

Well..I guess I have it pretty good too. My "domestic partner" is pretty tolerant of my snakes. She even holds them for me while I clean their enclosures (well not the big boas, but the BP and Hog Island). She will even turn lights on and off for me and things like that, when I am at work. Our 5 yr old son likes them as well, and she will watch him while he holds them.
Now, all of this did come with a price (in a way). She has always wanted a Pug, so when I got my first boa, it was only fair that she got something as well. So when someone she knew had to get rid of his 10 week old Pug puppy, you know exactly where it ended up..lol Now, that I am trying to breed boas, and she realizes there will be more additions to my snake collection, so now I am getting hounded about her wanted a Yorkshire Terrier.

So come spring, I have a feeling our Pug will have a lil friend to play with. lol

Now about him hanging up on you. Well, I can't bad mouth him for it, cause I to have done it to my gf and she has to me also. Sometimes, if your mad something, its better to hang up and apologize later, then to say something out of anger that you will wind up regretting and may not be forgiven so easy.

[Gary D.]

In my case, my wife is growing in dislike for my herps as my collection and it's subsequent demand on my time has grown. And no I do not trust her to care for them, however I have good friends I would trust. To ease off I have parted with some animals in the past, but that really did not solve things, just smooth things over for a while. Recently I have spent lots of time and money insulating, heating and otherwise converting a large shed in my yard to a snake room. Now she complains about me hiding out there.

But she is quite aware that, as with my motorcycle, my reptiles are a part of who I am. They were a part of my life before we married and if it were to come to it they would be a part of it after as well.
I spend much of my life trying to make her happy and dealing with her clinical depression (which she is aware of, and refuses medication for acceptable reasons), and I do love her very dearly, but I will not sacrifice who I am for anyone. If I was not happy with myself I could not be strong nor patient enough for our marriage or our family.

Wait this is turning into my rant. Anyway, be true to yourself, because that is really the only path to happiness.

[djc3674]

Now she complains about me hiding out there.

They always find something to complain about don't they??? lol

Seriously though, women are difficult to please sometimes. Just when you think they have nothing to complain about, they FIND something. Must be that darned X chromosome..hehe j/k.

[Linds]

Eep :eek: I agree with Katt and Marisa, whether or not he likes herps is irrelevant, it is the way he treated you with such disrespect and disregard for your feelings.

My boyfriend is not in to reptiles, or most animals at all. He is pretty neutral with most animals, doesn't like large animals at all though (horses, cows, etc). He is a cat person. He couldn't care less about my reptiles, and he has gotten on my case before when I've aquired a new one for one reason or another (mostly space and money). He will help me hold one if need be, and I have caught him on occassion playing with the leopard geckos :p I like it better that way though. I view it much in the same light as Roy... if you combine two people with the same obsession, you have the great potential to spiral out of control with it. I also like having something I can call my own :) Not to mention the impact it can have if you breakup, you run in the same circles so you can never -really- have that person at a distance you wish... and if you're in it for business it can also have an impact. I don't think I would ever want to be in a relationship with another herper. I personally don't get all excited whenever he gets a new guitar or recording program... but I listen anyways because it's important to him, and he does the same for me. Because we love eachother it's our feelings that are important, not the hobbies ;)

Originally posted by djc3674

Seriously though, women are difficult to please sometimes.

Or how about... SOME women are difficult to please, not women are difficult to please sometimes ;)

[djc3674]

Or how about... SOME women are difficult to please, not women are difficult to please sometimes

hehe..I was just kidding around. I hope no offense was taken. :) Your right though..not all women..but MOST are :p

[Linds]

LOL true about the most part, that's why most of my friends are guys :p

[jim mcallister]

It's all about compromise and slow education. My fiance has been frustrated with me but we compromise on how many and what type of herps and where they are in the house etc. She's slowly coming around, although she was pissed tonight when i left some thawing mice on the counter instead of putting them somewhere she won't notice them.!! I don't push anything on her and it seems that she is slowly getting curious or starting to think that some of these animals actually arn't that bad, maybe even cute???? Anyway good luck, just follow your heart and your gut feelings...........

[Mr.Lizard]

It's funny,I never really thought that many people had the same difficulty with their partners not liking herps.
My wife thought that I was weird for being into herps and still doesn't understand or appreciate my fascination for them.
Unfortunately she seems to be a part of the majority.
I really haven't known a whole lotta people into this hobby.
And people who aren't into it generally think you're weird.
I've tried getting my wife interested in herps,we got her a baby green iguana at a show that she thought was adorable.
In less than a week it had become my responsibility...she thought it was cute but the love wasn't there,I ended up giving it away a couple weeks later.
Now she says if she ever gets another herp it'll be a cham,NO WAY! I would not put such a delicate creature in the hands of a non-herper in the hopes of converting her.
I'd rather endure the rolling eyes and bored sighs.
BTW,great advice everybody...there would definitely be a discussion if my wife ever hung up on me because she thought something I was passionate about was just plain silly.

--Kevin--

[Slannesh]

Damn, I'm luckier than I thought :)

The Leopard Geckos were HER idea and while she's not totally comfortable with the Ball Python she'll hold it if i'm watching.

And she's a gamer :)

All the Gamergeek/Herper guys on the board can throw rocks at me later. hehe...


To get back on topic, sucks that your BF isn't a big fan, I know that having anything that you're passionate about that takes up a lot of time/money that your sig other just doesn't "get" is always a source of major stress in any relationship. Hanging up on you was rude, yes, but i'd find out the why of it before going to war over it.

Hope it works out for you!

Slan

[Sunrunner]

I am lucky, the person I am with shares all my passions and I his. There is nothing we dont like about one another .... well except Music .....crappy death matal **** .... umm oh sorry :) Point is there is someone out there that is perfect for you in almost every way, and what they do not like they humor you in it because you love it so much ... None of you may agree with this and I am not saying bend your life in everyway for the other person but you shouldnt have to on most things.
Herps are a very serious thing to some ppl and has become a way of life for them not just a passing fancy, what would you all do if someone told you that they hated your 12 year old dog?? I know you would kick them :)
This is IMO only :)


Best words of advice
NEVER SETTLE BECAUSE WHEN YOU DO THE GUY/GIRL FOR YOU HAS JUST CAUGHT THE NEXT BUS AND YOU WERE TO BUSY WORRYING ABOUT THINGS TO NOTICE ;)

Have fun Life is way too short :)

[snakehunter]

hey, im almost 18, funny, outgoing, play an instrument, 3.4 GPA, 6' 4'', and i love taranchulas! WOAH, guess what im free.......REALLY hehehehehehehe j/k.........but i am free

[xdiversichicx]

my bf wasnt into them when we first started dating, but now he's warmed up to it. always willing to help me buy stuff for them and helping to build cages etc. he even feeds all seven of them in the morning for me before he leaves (he gets up first).
the only thing he doesnt like is when i get something without discussing it with him first. (our iguana). the only thing we really disagree on is how to set-up the cages. he cant quite grasp the humidity thing, but he's slowly learning.
lately he's been showing lots of interest in frogs, chameleons, and monitors.. and we've decided that the next large thing we get is gonna be a tegu. (he's constantly searching the internet for info on them.)
basically he knows i love them and he supports that, since he's been in a band for the past couple of years and even before we started dating i was at every show and practice just to show support. so now he goes to expo's and shops and stuff to support what i like.
the only thing i cant get him to like is snakes. lol. ive told him over and over that when we move out of here into a place that we can have whatever we want, i wanna branch into snakes. he told me i could deal with those by myself. lol.

[Lisa]

I wasn't big on reptiles as pets (one or two was ok but wanting to have a whole bunch to breed was a different matter) when katey moved in with me, now i love them. How ever whether i liked them or not is not the issue. The issue is that he hung up on you. Thats like he kicked you in the teeth for smiling. I feel you have more important issues to deal with this guy then his dislike of herps. I'd give him some of his own medicine. hang up on him when he's happy.

[Katt]

Sunrunner, that's exactly like how Vanan and I are!! We share everything, except for musicn (crappy death metal!), and certain religious points.

[justinO]

well said everyone. its all about finding a balance. it is hard when your siginifigant other doesnt share the same interest, let alone is against it. (been there, done that, another person, another hobby).. the other person has to just accept what is. if it is important to you, then they should at least tolerate it without rudeness.

good luck sorting this out.

Justin

[themangler]

if you get rid of that aligator you can call me!lol

[Gary D.]

if you want to get rid of the 'gator, call me! lol

[TheRedDragon]

I honestly could not be with someone that wasn't into herps. I love my herps, and I want my significant other to at least share that common interest with me.