Lisa
12-01-03, 01:13 PM
I had so many to share i decided to put them all in one post.
Two elderly vultures decided they would fly south this year for vacation, so they make reservations with an airline.
They arrived at the airport, and the clerk looked at their luggage and asked if they wanted to check in as baggage the two dead raccoons they brought with them to snack on.
"No," the vultures said. "They're carrion."
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Three old men were talking about how much their hands shook. The first old guy said, "My hands shake so bad that when I shaved his morning, I cut my face."
The second old man said, "My hands shake so bad, that when I trimmed my garden yesterday, I sliced all my flowers."
The third old man laughed and said, "That's nothing. My hands shake so bad that when I took a piss yesterday, I came three times!"
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A man and woman were talking and drinking in a bar when the subject of who enjoyed sex more came up.
The man insisted that men must enjoy sex more as they were always so desperate to get laid.
The woman had a differing opinion and explained "When you have an itch in your ear, you stick your finger in and wiggle it around. who do you think enjoys it more, your finger or your ear?"
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What a Woman Says...What a Man Hears
What a woman says:
This place is a mess! C'mon, you and I need to clean up, Your stuff is lying on the floor and you'll have no clothes to wear, if we don't do laundry right now!
What a man hears:
blah, blah, blah, blah, C'MON
blah, blah, blah, blah, YOU AND I
blah, blah, blah, blah, ON THE FLOOR
blah, blah, blah, blah, NO CLOTHES
blah, blah, blah, blah, RIGHT NOw
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Work or Prison?
IN PRISON...you spend the majority of your time in an 8x10 cell.
AT WORK...you spend most of your time in a 6x8 cubicle.
IN PRISON...you get three meals a day.
AT WORK...you only get a break for one meal and you have to pay for it.
IN PRISON...you get time off for good behavior.
AT WORK...you get rewarded for good behavior with more work.
IN PRISON...a guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
AT WORK...you must carry around a security card and unlock and open all the doors yourself.
IN PRISON...you can watch TV and play games.
AT WORK...you get fired for watching TV and playing games.
IN PRISON...you get your own toilet.
AT WORK...you have to share.
IN PRISON...they allow your family and friends to visit.
AT WORK...you cannot even speak to your family and friends.
IN PRISON...all expenses are paid by taxpayers with no work required
AT WORK...you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.
IN PRISON...you spend most of your life looking through bars
from the inside wanting to get out.
AT WORK...you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars.
IN PRISON...there are wardens who are often sadistic.
AT WORK...they are called managers.
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Ben: One of our pigs was sick so I gave him some sugar.
Dan: Sugar! What for?
Ben: Haven't you ever heard of sugar-cured ham?
Two elderly vultures decided they would fly south this year for vacation, so they make reservations with an airline.
They arrived at the airport, and the clerk looked at their luggage and asked if they wanted to check in as baggage the two dead raccoons they brought with them to snack on.
"No," the vultures said. "They're carrion."
------------------------------------------------------------------
Three old men were talking about how much their hands shook. The first old guy said, "My hands shake so bad that when I shaved his morning, I cut my face."
The second old man said, "My hands shake so bad, that when I trimmed my garden yesterday, I sliced all my flowers."
The third old man laughed and said, "That's nothing. My hands shake so bad that when I took a piss yesterday, I came three times!"
------------------------------------------------------------------
A man and woman were talking and drinking in a bar when the subject of who enjoyed sex more came up.
The man insisted that men must enjoy sex more as they were always so desperate to get laid.
The woman had a differing opinion and explained "When you have an itch in your ear, you stick your finger in and wiggle it around. who do you think enjoys it more, your finger or your ear?"
------------------------------------------------------------------
What a Woman Says...What a Man Hears
What a woman says:
This place is a mess! C'mon, you and I need to clean up, Your stuff is lying on the floor and you'll have no clothes to wear, if we don't do laundry right now!
What a man hears:
blah, blah, blah, blah, C'MON
blah, blah, blah, blah, YOU AND I
blah, blah, blah, blah, ON THE FLOOR
blah, blah, blah, blah, NO CLOTHES
blah, blah, blah, blah, RIGHT NOw
------------------------------------------------------------------
Work or Prison?
IN PRISON...you spend the majority of your time in an 8x10 cell.
AT WORK...you spend most of your time in a 6x8 cubicle.
IN PRISON...you get three meals a day.
AT WORK...you only get a break for one meal and you have to pay for it.
IN PRISON...you get time off for good behavior.
AT WORK...you get rewarded for good behavior with more work.
IN PRISON...a guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
AT WORK...you must carry around a security card and unlock and open all the doors yourself.
IN PRISON...you can watch TV and play games.
AT WORK...you get fired for watching TV and playing games.
IN PRISON...you get your own toilet.
AT WORK...you have to share.
IN PRISON...they allow your family and friends to visit.
AT WORK...you cannot even speak to your family and friends.
IN PRISON...all expenses are paid by taxpayers with no work required
AT WORK...you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.
IN PRISON...you spend most of your life looking through bars
from the inside wanting to get out.
AT WORK...you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars.
IN PRISON...there are wardens who are often sadistic.
AT WORK...they are called managers.
------------------------------------------------------------------
Ben: One of our pigs was sick so I gave him some sugar.
Dan: Sugar! What for?
Ben: Haven't you ever heard of sugar-cured ham?