View Full Version : What would you do?? (Girlfriend stuff)
Ok, I've been with my girlfriend for 2 years. For these 2 years my biggest fear has always been for her to fall in love with somebody else. I recently found out that she's starting to fall for this guy. One of the biggest problem is it seems so much like she was just using me... because she used to be sort of controlling.... like didn't like me on the computer and stuff like that, she wanted me to "be with her." But now that she's found this guy, she talks to him all day... be it on the phone, on the internet whatever. And never cares that I WANT TO BE WITH HER(I mean be with her physically, not be with her as in date her... even though I do). It's like anytime we get into an argument she doesn't care, she can just go talk to him. In addition, there have been a series of lies about her feelings towards him and stuff like that. I know it's arguable that she's not doing anything wrong when she starts to like this guy... it's her feelings, ya know? But, she doesn't take care of me about it or hold me or anything... that is her fault. Especially since she's always assured me that this would never happen. I think the worst part of this whole thing are times like these.... right now, almost everybody I know (even people in my family) have their loved ones... my dad, mom, stepmom, stepdad, brothers, friends, her.... just not me. And I just feel so trapped because I have no idea what to do. I don't feel like I can be with her (even if she does pick me over him) because of what she's already done to me. But also I'm not sure if I can live without her. So that's my rant... but I wanted to know what you all would do if you were in my situation. Sorry for the long, incoherent babble.... it's just sort of hard for me to type because I also broke my wrist yesterday(I'm going through such a GREAT time in my life). Anyway, any feedback is appreciated.
Jeremy
SerpentLust
11-03-03, 10:56 PM
Well, I've been in that situation alot on both ends. When I fall for someone else, from personal experience, there's nothing that other person can do. But on a happy note, it's usually temporary...
When the person falls for someone else and you're the boyfriend/girlfriend. It's tough. I chose to stay with him even after he cheated on me with this girl. And we worked through it and we were fine. But it was always in the back of my mind, that I tried so hard to be the perfect partner to him and it didn't matter. So that's my little 0.02$
People will do what they want to do. The best way to go about it is be honest with each other and approach it without yelling and if she honestly has feelings for him, maybe you should let her go, she may just as well come back...
Jenn
Thanks for the reply. I did sort of let her go. She asked me to give her some time. So I am but I really can't take it. I hear her on the phone with him giggling and stuff like that and I just I don't know
So, you're what, 16, 17?
You have a lot of time ahead of you. Personally, I wouldn't waste it with someone who's jerking you around. Move on. Yes, it will hurt. But it will hurt less than staying with someone who treats you the way she does.
She's spending all of her time with another guy....time for you to move on.
Thanks Youkai... yeah I'm 17. I know I sound foolish sounding so serious about her and things like that. But, thanks again.
T.O-SK8TER
11-03-03, 11:16 PM
Haha, it sucks eh? I am in the same situation man, except she doesn't like someonle else, she just wants to be alone, and I don't want her back! But hey life goes on you can't let stupid feelings like this control your life. Forget about her cause either way she will do what she wants, you have no controll over that! So go and meet some other girls and take them out and stuff, you have to move on!
I hear you t.o... only problem is for the past 2 years she's been my life. Now that she's not really my life anymore, I have no life at all... So basically I'm bored all day and just sit around and think about my life so naturally I think about that. That makes it REALLY hard to move on. Thanks for the reply.
J-Man, I'm certainly not trying to downplay your feelings based on your age. It's just that no one deserves to be treated that way, and I'm sure it would hurt more in the long run. I'd suggest getting out, doing stuff with friends, anything. Try not to dwell on it too much, even though that probably seems next to impossible.
T.O-SK8TER
11-03-03, 11:45 PM
J-Man I was with my ex girl for over 2 years aswell! Its no big deal, if you are getting board and stuff then you are the type of guy who can't be alone(without a girlfriend) so if this is the case then just go and meet some women! You may remember the feeling of meeting a girl and thinking she is hot and crap, but if not to me it is a way better feeling than being with an annoying girl who is gonna play with your heart! I have not been without a girlfriend in 5 years, so I myself choose to stay single, cause I don't want to be tied down and man it feels great!
CDN-Cresties
11-03-03, 11:54 PM
Break ups always suck. Personally i would get rid of her and find someone else.
-Steve-
Corey Woods
11-04-03, 12:32 AM
Jeremy,
Kick the skank to the curb........if she doesn't respect you and want to be with you then she doesn't deserve you. Find someone who cares about you and put all your time and effort into a healthy relationship. You are young......life goes on.....it always does!
Good luck,
Corey
Slannesh
11-04-03, 12:41 AM
Getting hurt like that doesn't matter if your 16 or 60. Betrayal hurts and it sucks.
I always used to hate hearing that "Life goes on, there are plenty of other fish in the sea" Because when you're heart is breaking the sea seems like an awfully lonely place.
It's going to suck for a while, there is little to nothing you can do to change that. I always found that throwing myself into my work or hobbies seemed to help a little. At least it's something to do that isn't sitting around thinking about your ex. Spend some time with your herps, give everyone's cage a good sterilizing. That should kill at least an afternoon or so :)
Post here when you feel like it. For the most part this seems to be a pretty understanding crowd.
Hope things move on quickly for you, we've all been there.
Slan.
Originally posted by Slannesh
Because when you're heart is breaking the sea seems like an awfully lonely place.
That's really well put. I don't mean to put down everybody else though. You're all being EXTREMELY helpful. And I really appreciate everything you're all doing for me.
I told her straight how I feel. How I feel like she's jerking me around, and it almost seems like she just wants to see how much I can take before I pop. She sort of broke down and cried and talked about how sorry she was. And how this new guy isn't all that he *pretended* to be(gee, I wonder who told her this was gonna happen from the start? :rolleyes: ) She also told me that she "chooses me". But she also said she still have SOME feelings left for him but she's virtually positive that I'm the guy she wants permanently. But I'm not sure if I'm buying. I could see this doing a complete 180 on me within a day. So I think what I'm gonna do is get back together with her but take *NO* crap from her. If this happens again, it's adios.
So, if anybody wants to give any advice on whether I'm doing the right thing or not, feel free. It's more than welcome. If not, I'm extremely grateful for what those of you have done for me already. It has really helped a lot... and even given me a good laugh or 2....
Kick the skank to the curb
Thanks again!
Jeremy
reverendsterlin
11-04-03, 01:02 AM
fall or be in love as often/long as you can. Just never forget men and women are like common corn snakes, cheap and easy to find. Everybody changes everyday, we grow close to and away from people all the time. Enjoy and remember the good, forget and forgive the bad, move on to the next stage of your life.
maiden_canada
11-04-03, 01:04 AM
Corey Woods: I second that.
Tell her to screw off, if what you say is accurate she most likely doesn't give a sh*t about you anymore. who knows, maybe in a month she will come crawling back, then your the one in charge
if_i_were_u
11-04-03, 01:18 AM
J-man r we living the same body or what dude. My and my girl for about 2.5 years are having a really rough time and you basically discrided it to the tee. I understand what you r going through and you seem to be handling it better than i am. I hope everything works out well for you because i know exactly what you are going through. Good luck,
Joe
Slannesh
11-04-03, 01:27 AM
As to whether to take her back or not, you are the only one who can answer that. One thing I have learned over the years is that even though you always intend for "forever" to mean just that it often isn't. What you go for when you're 16 is going to be much different than what attracts you when you're 25. But who knows? Some people get it right the first time and are happy till death do you part. I know I certainly wasn't one of those!
People do really ****** things to other people all the time, that's the reality. Love makes you ignore warning signs and common sense, no shame in it, we've all fallen victim to it at least once. Or at least I hope we have.
The best advice I can give you is do what makes you happy. But be prepared to live with the concequences. Sometimes it's better to sacrifice short term happiness to be better off in the long run. But you have the luxury of being young right now, you can afford to make mistakes that us old folks can't anymore ;) Keep your chin up and don't take any crap that you don't have to.
Slan
Thanks again everybody. I'm feeling a lot better.
"if i were u" - I'm sorry man... you must be taking it VERY hard if you say I seem to taking it better than you... because it was extremely hard on me. If you ever wanna talk about it or anything my aim is AmishCIA and my e-mail is Jeremy@newsmakerstv.com.
SCReptiles
11-04-03, 09:55 AM
Really nothing that any man can say that will cheer you up. Of course there are a ton of things that chicks can say that will perk you right back up. Ha ha. Time is the only thing that helps these situations. Try to focus on something else until you find a new girl, and I assure you there will be a new one soon. =) Try hitting in Jenn, she is pretty hot.
hey J-Man, First off everyone has given some great advice here. But if you feel crappy, and alone as you said you may want to go talk to a counselor. Schools have em' (i think the US does?) or you can just talk to your doctor. No sense in letting to much thinking bring you down ya know? Just stay healthy, and do whats best for #1, YOU! Good luck.
Wow V.hb, that is good advice. I also like Corey Woods, man did I laugh when I read that, but easier said than done. I hope all is going well for you Jeremy, I know how tough this stuff is.
It seems that this little community is not totally specialized in herps eh?
Josh
Yeah it is good advice V.hb... sorry I didn't see it earlier... must have not gotten the notification. I don't go to school though (college... self stufy... complicated lol) so the counselor thing is out of the question. It's a good idea though. Thanks.
Jeremy
RachelS.
11-04-03, 08:19 PM
I haven't read this whole thread so excuse me if I repeat this. I just thought I'd say it right away. First off, it sounds like she's cheating on you, majorly.
But then again, I went through something somewhat like this and I was the girlfriend...
I had being going out with this one guy for about 3 months during summer. My first TRUE feelings for a real guy. Well, I started school and we still talked every night as usual until a friend from out of town came over and I was sort of flirting with this guy at school (his worst nightmare and my biggest mistake). Since my friend was over I thought it would be rude to talk to someone on the phone, because I mean, she's the guest and all. But my big mistake was letting that one guy charm me. I ended up calling my boyfriend up, and being the honest "never tell a lie, tell alomost everything to your bf" type.. I told him about the situation. Well we had gone over this before about if he or I found another person we liked that we would go out with them, but each of us would always get upset and say "no I'd never do that to you!" So he insisted I go out with the guy and for about an hour I kept saying "no, no way... I could never hurt you" But he had the idea that he wanted me to go out with that guy and then if I ever broke up with the guy I could go back out with my boyfriend again. So I took that chance, but soon regreted it. Because well, you know, the next day I was asked out by the guy I had a crush on... I turned him down (because I wasn't ready, of course). That night I called up my former boyfriend and asked if he could take me back and that I was sorry for everything. I even cried like hell because I felt like a total moron. Sadly, he told me I would have never done that to him if I had really loved (in my case) him as I had said. I regret it all, now. It's been months since that has happened and I'm still not over it. It really hurts to lose someone you really care about, especially when it's your fault. I just want to say... don't take her stupid jokes. Talk to her, and if you really feel like she doesn't like you just end it right there and forget about her. She will realize what she lost, espcially if you gave it all to her.
Something I would like to add, though, is... I did go out with the crush guy and he ended up being a total stupid loser. He lied to me and everything, and all he wanted was sex. Mwahahaha he will NEVER score, that dumb@$$.
Anyhoo, just think about what I said. When it all comes down to it, girls are just a bunch of stupid b**ches sometimes. Good luck!
RepTylE
11-04-03, 08:35 PM
I'd say that you should move on, hard as that concept may be at this point. The best revenge is for her to see you happy with someone else. She wants you to pine away for her but if you pick yourself up and get out there, you win in more ways than one ;)
sapphire_moon
11-04-03, 09:11 PM
ok i'm skipping over replies so just ignore me if it's already been said! lol......
No matter the age 17 or 71 it is still hard as hell. You said you can hear her talking on the phone? Does she live with you and your fmaily? If so kick her out, it will do nothing but hurt you more the longer she stays there.
If she has no where else to go, then make her find a place, as cruel as that sounds. Not everyone can be friends after being together.
If she is "seeing (Dating)" this other person while she was still with you, then it is cheating. But some people define cheating in different ways....
You basicly said that now that she's gone you "have no life" that is just as hard, it's even harder when her friends are your friends and now that she's gone they don't want anything to do with you (personal experience, if thats not your case then great!) go out and find new friends, your 17, go on a weekend away with some friends...or find someone else.....
No one can really say you can't be serious at a young age..........
I was engaged when 16, but she cheated, repeatedly, and was physicaly and mentaly abusive....so I broke up with her, and kicked her out of my home (with my family).....at the time of break up I was 17.
I met a wonderful woman online while with my ex......she flew out from Mass to meet me......and we have been together now for almost 2 years (this December!) and plan on getting married (When and IF it's ever legalized)
For almost a year afterwords my ex tormented us stalked us, phoned at all times of the day and night.....
Don't discredit seriousness at a young age....
Just my 2 cents........:)
Rachel, you sound like a very nice girl. See the worst thing about this situation is she doesn't seem to care about how upset I am. She used to care about stuff like this (the "oh I could never hurt you, I love you sooo much") But, as much as it hurts, it seems that she just felt that way cause she didn't ahve anybody else. Now she's always chatting on the internet, talking to him, etc... It's so obvious she doesn't care also... I mean she'll be sitting on the computer talking to him and I'll be sitting in the same room with tears in my mother ****ing eye and she would just sit there takling and giggling. Not one word of a lie. And this is literally about 1/20th of the problem. Thanks for the reply and good luck to you.
I'm sure it hurts to lose somebody you care about... but you seem to be honestly SORRY and that's what matters I think. I don't think you should have to still be getting over it.
Thanks sapphire... that does give me some confidence. Yes she's living with me and my family. We took her in because her parents didn't treat her well (don't worry, not physically). That also hurts, that we did that for her and now she's stabbing us (me) in the back. I'm very happy for you and your current love. I'm also very happy that you're over it... assuming you are. Thanks again everybody.
Corey Woods
11-04-03, 10:03 PM
Jeremy,
Kick her out..........it sounds like she's overstaying her welcome.
Corey
I know Corey, I hate being a nice person.
I think I should be honest with you all. I DID go into her e-mail and check her sent items to see what she had sent to him. Because I didn't know anything at the time and I didn't exactly trust her... and it turned out I was right. So I dunno, if I hadn't found anything I think it would have been wrong of me. But I think the fact that I was right SORT OF justifies it.. but not totally.
HAHA What are you talking about? You break her trust because she breaks yours?
Frankly you are both in the wrong and should split ways.
Marisa
Marisa, please don't tell me you can't see the difference between these two "breakings of trust"
Of course. Doesn't mean yours was right. If someone is acting in a way that is not good for you, the way to deal with it is talk to them. Not spy on them.
Both are wrong, and a relationship would be hard to manage at this point since both of you have broken trust.
Marisa
Very true. What if after you've talked to them, you still don't trust them? And you try to talk more with them about it and they just get frustrated and OBVIOUSLY don't wanna talk about it?
Just to make it clear. I know it was wrong of me. I just think it would have been far worse if I had been wrong.
If you talk to them and they say nothing is going on, but they are still acting fishy and with othe behaviours you don't appreciate you say goodbye. That simple. You can't force anyone to love you, or even tell you the truth. You can only decide for YOU what type of behaviour and people you want to continue having around you or not.
Marisa
But then there will always be that thing in the back of my mind about whether I did the right thing... maybe there was absolutely nothing going on and she was just in a bad mood? I'm sorry I don't mean to keep you here or anything. Let's agree to disagree... though I don't think we disagree much. I know it's wrong.
Hey J Man the bottom line for you is her lack of respect for you(like corey and others have said) She is playing on your emotions and your hormones (not to mention 2 million years of evolution) She is having fun at your expense. Here is the deal she wants to dump you for the "new guy" but she wants you to break it off with her so she does not have to do it ( her biggest fear presently) I know it is tough but it is life if you wan't more info pm me and i will do what i can to help you slide through this.
Peace Bro
Hip
Thanks a lot hip... I may do that. I never though about that though... her not wanting to break it off with ME. Wow, that's really upsetting. I'm gonna go
by the way, that thanks a lot wasn't sarcastic... just realized it kinda looked like it.
NewLineReptile
11-04-03, 10:50 PM
Corey is right Kick her *** out and i will give you my wife....lol
Brandon
There are so so many other girls in the world you found one ..find another...the best way to forget is in the arms of another cutie..10cents per dozen
I agree chase... but I've been with her for so long. She USED to be my whole life and since she's gone I have none... nowhere to go and nothing to do. So it's sort of hard to go out and find people. I know, I keep using that wording.
Yeah but dude in reality the way you feel now will seem stupid to you in less than a year most likely.
You meet other people, you date other people. You will date and have relationships with maybe dozens of girls before finding the right one. Tons of people pass into your life from now until you are older and one incident is something you have to learn to live with knowing the feelings go away.
Marisa
You're 100% right. I'm sure you've been in my position before (or something similar)... so you probably know what it's like.
lordkovacs
11-05-03, 05:42 PM
wow...that's tough..
actually, i had a dream about 2 weeks ago that my finacee fell in love with some guy from our old university (McMaster) and wans't sure if she liked him more. I remember in my dream i just couldn't stand to think about it. I couldn't look her in the eyes cause I just started to cry. Forunately for me it was a dream. But it did make me think after I woke up. I decided that I was not in a position that I could share her. At least not with another guy. Of course I don't mean that she can't be friends with a guy. I empathize with your situation. I can only say that you can't sell yourself short. If you accept her not deciding, it's unfair to yourself in my opinion. Good luck Jeremy, I hope it all works out.
cheers..
MIKE
Thanks Mike... Yeah the way you described it was pretty accurate. That's how it is for me. I think I would have a problem with her even just being friends with this guy after all this... I mean she lied and told me he had a lot of childhood problems and stuff like that. And His dad has been in jail a couple of times for raping teenage girls. And His mom has been married like 8 times. So I said, "ok, if these guy needs help them I'm gonna do the right thing and let you talk to him about this and help him through it." Yeah, it was BS. There's nothing wrong with him.
Thanks again, Mike. I'm sure it will work out.
lordkovacs
11-05-03, 10:43 PM
I hope it does work out. it's a tough situation. As hard as it is to say, my gut feeling is that I couldn't be with my fiancee anymore if that indeed happened to me. At least it would take a long time to accept. It's easier to stay with her, but if she can be swung now but some loser guy (as it appears he probably is), then what happens for the rest of your lives? Can you have more than 1 soul mate? Has she found another? Are you, hers? Is she yours? These are questions to ask yourself. All the best,
MIKE
Sunrunner
11-06-03, 02:57 AM
Don't let the fact your 17 take away from the seriousness of your feelings...I was married when I was 17 and I am still with the same peson 7 years later. Make the right choice...don't let ppl tell you "ah your only 17...your still a kid don't worry about it" to me it sounds as if your the adult and your "ex-girl" is the kid playing these kinds of game. If she loved you and was worth you then she wouldn't do this and she especially wouldn't flaunt it. Be the man you sound to be and find someone worth your feelings. Your one will always be your one and you theirs. Trust me :) Good Luck!
Ok great... now she woke me up this morning telling me how much she wants to be with me and only me. Last night I told her for sure she has to go and that I Don't want somebody who's gonna treat me like that. So this morning she starts telling me she was gonna tell this guy (Rob) that she wants to be with me and that she doesn't like him anymore.... all that crap. And now I have no idea what to do. I feel horrible, I feel so close to taking her back because I miss her so much. But I don't think it's the right decision. I'm really really confused.
BoAddict
11-07-03, 12:45 PM
id still send her packing
she wants you and only you now why coz you gave her an ultimatum maybe if shed said it before you told her that you were done with her but she waited to say after you told her,
what happens next time some other guy comes along is she gonna play it out again?
just my$0.02
choriona
11-07-03, 01:46 PM
Wow, what a tough situation, compacted by the fact that you are living together. Were you friends first? Are you wanting to keep a friendship? Do you share a room too then? You sound like you helped her out in a confusing time in her life, and you seem like a really caring person. This is a curse I know too well. You get walked on by a lot of people, but then, the ones that really need you are really cared for truly and deeply. What is she to you? Sometimes what helps is to make a list of everything that pisses you off and what makes you love her. Don’t confuse love with want. Looking at the things that anger you, see if you are willing to work through that. Show her the list. Let her know exactly what you feel about her at this point. Try to discuss, and don’t yell. AND don’t involve alcohol. Don’t focus on just this one event, look at the whole relationship. Work through all the bugs in one constructive life changing moment. If you two can make it through that, than you can make it through anything. Communication is absolutely essential for equal partnership. Don’t tell her you went into her e-mail!!!!!
You may not get over the trust issue, and you may decide not to be together anymore, but al least you will know where you stand with each other.
One thing I have learned is to trust your own instincts. My whole family dislikes my boyfriend, they would like nothing better than to see him get out of my life. But they don’t seem to care how incredibly unhappy that would make me. They try to give me advice on our problems, all ending with “you should ditch that guy.” I’ve just accepted the fact that they don’t know me so well anymore. Besides, I want to spend the rest of my life with my boyfriend, and not my parents.
Well put choriona... No we don't share a room. She's sort of part of the family. She's definitely the kind of people that walks all over me. But then, she SAYS that she's the other kind of person. But I'm gonna go by what she does not what she says.
I already told her about me going into her e-mail also :/
Also, I know if I make this list it's going to be incredibley unbalanced with stuff I don't like about her. And, no, I don't think I want a friendly relationship with her after this. She's a bitch frankly and a bad person. I honestly hope for this guy's sake that he realizes that much sooner than I did... of course I'm not going to interfere with their life though(I'm not a stalker).
Thanks so much for the reply, Choriona. I'm feeling so much better now and I know it would have been 10x harder without you guys backing me up. Thanks again, everybody!
Jeremy
lordkovacs
11-07-03, 11:22 PM
why not tell her then that you need time? It sounds like you haven't made a decision yet. It seems as though you aren't sure about your feelings. So, take as much time as you need. If she's not willing to wait while things are sorted out, then you have your answer right there... take your time. no rash decisions!
cheers...
MIKE
Good point. Thing is Mike, I know exactly what I should do. It's just taking me so long to do. I just CAN'T tell her to get out... though it seems easier every day.
Amiechann
11-08-03, 12:59 AM
I know breaking up is a very hard thing to do.. Fact is though that you are young, and there are a lot of young hotties out there looking for a decent guy!
Decide if you will be happier with her or with out her. No one but you can make that decision.
I've taken two ex's back and regretted taking one back. Maybe it's a wake up sign that you can't take her for granted or let her walk all over you. stop being a rug and stand up for what you want.
Thanks Lisa... it is good to have some constructive criticism (nice way to say "put a fire under my ***") And I decided at pretty much the beginning of this whole thing that IF I did take her back it would be under extreme circumstances and that if she ****ed up like this again or treated my like **** anymore or anything like that then her *** is OUT THE DOOR, NO QUESTIONS ASKED. Because as I see it, I've already given her way more than she deserves, just by not kicking her *** out a long time ago. Anybody else I know (including her) would have exploded many many times by now.
Thanks again!
Jeremy
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